AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

[PrincessMarma]

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

Having a baby is stressful and you are bound to dwell on things. I understand your worry.
What I don’t understand is why you have posted on here. You have called people, negative, rude and judgemental when really they were not, they merely offered what you asked for, a fresh outlook.
I feel as though you perhaps expected everyone to say your husband is wrong so that you could show him the comments? Sadly this has back fired and you have become very defensive adding in/changing information from your initial post. Surely it would be less stressful for you to discuss this with your oh and in laws? They are clearly kind , reliable people or you would not let them have your child for two to three weeks or even the 1 week you later changed it to. And no, I did not get a break from my three children to go to the loo, go out for the evening and certainly not for a whole week, I think that comment to a poster shows your own lack of insight into how little support many mums get and how much your in laws are doing for you.

Agree

To PPs who are incredulous that OP’s DH does not do chores:

In no way am I defending this, but Italian men generally believe that indoor housework is for women. Within the household, traditional gender roles are fairly rigid. (Yet married Italian couples report relatively high rates of sex. Make of that what you will)

This isn’t to excuse OP’s DH, only to say he is being true to form. Hopefully OP knew what he was like and finds his compensations worthwhile.

@poetryandwine are there studies about that division of labour? As it certainly doesn’t describe my Italian DH, nor most of his male friends that are in heterosexual relationships. They’re in their 30s. Maybe it’s more true of an older generation.

@poetryandwine are there studies about that division of labour? As it certainly doesn’t describe my Italian DH, nor most of his male friends that are in heterosexual relationships. They’re in their 30s. Maybe it’s more true of an older generation.

its okay to ask them to get a hotel. Anybody who’s had a baby knows how difficult post birth recovery can be. If you’re breastfeeding it’s just easier being uncovered, you don’t want FIL around for that at all times. Also day 4 when the hormones kick in, every woman deserves her privacy!

Hi, @FlySwimmer

Apologies for the delay.

Firstly, I think things are changing for the better over time, something to celebrate.

Secondly, I wanted to find a good source for you. The one I think best is a bit old, from Oxford University. It shows both the gender disparity and the trend. The very loosely approximate title is something like ‘Forty Year Study Pinpoints the Disparity … ‘ (although ‘Fifty’ sticks in my mind, it makes no sense in what I am about to say). I am sure the word ‘pinpoint’ is in the title, also Italy or Italian.

The study says that in the 1980’s Italian women were spending 4 hours per day more than Italian men on housework, and by the 2010’s the disparity had shrunk to around 3 hours per day.

One hardly knows whether that is something to celebrate or not.

If you search on ‘Italian men housework’ there is a lot to suggest that they aren’t, overall, doing a great deal. But the publications are mostly rather casual, so it’s hard to say what is really measured.

Amen to this.

Hello
Just wanted to say you are definitely not being unreasonable.
One week post partum is an incredibly emotional and physical hard time you will be recovering from birth, establishing feeding and bonding with your baby. If you think any of that will be more challenging with your in laws in your house then no you ar3 not being unreasonable at all. It is about you and your baby. Obviously this is different if you think it will be helpful but if you are unsure and just want your husband and other child then please please go with that.
Post partum is a difficult.time and we can develop post natal mental health issues so you do not want any more stress at all.
They can come.when the baby is bigger or stay else where if you want them.to come.
Could your child not go to.italy this summer
Your husband should understand

I had my in laws stay and two.other family members for 3 weeks post partum..it was 8 weeks though but took its toll and I found it so intense. They made it all about them and their bond with the baby which I get but also impacted my well being so much. One week post partum is too soon !! Please look after yourself sorry for rant
You only get that time once.

No the husband wants this of his parents.

And op if dh won't do chores when you are post partum then he hires cleaners and people to do the laundry etc

I don't get how many young people seem to think that people in their 60s or 70s are 'old', meaning physically incapable of very much.

My FIL is nearing 80 and frequently goes on walks of several miles with his friends.

Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. All over 60 - yeah they're really decrepit 🤔

Anyway, they are doing you a huge favour each year, so personally I'd be more lenient, especially as you know what you're doing. Not like with a first baby when you're totally green and discovering what works for you all.

I am.saying this in the context that your child does not go to Italy before so they can come at a time later thar works for you all and you don't feel obligated

Truly, only English people act like having family stay after you give birth is the absolute end of the world. It's so weird.

OP even with all your updates I think you should let them stay a week. It is not your first child and it is ONE week. Buy some buffet food so it's easy for them to make themselves breakfast and lunch, spend a lot of time breastfeeding in your room, and don't alienate and disrespect your son's beloved grandparents.

I hate people staying but even I would suck this up for everything they give back. What a lovely lifestyle for your children!