AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

[PrincessMarma]

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

Thank you for all the responses, I didn't expect to get so much negativeity and judgement though!

I will try and answer the general themes throughout.

60's - I wasn't being ageist - I know his parents, so know what they are like, active-wise.

No, he doesn't stay at their house, they go to the beach, and stay in a large shared house with 3 x aunty's, uncles, husbands, brother, sons, cousins etc... We contribute financially towards this. He would be 'without' us for a week at any given time (my husband can work from anywhere so he stays as long as possible).

Our house is 2.5 bedroom, with a small living room and bathroom and so can be very crowded if anyone comes to stay.

I am not trying to keep them away for 'months' just would like a bit of privacy and not have to host as soon as I have given birth! Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.

Also, they don't speak english and as much as I have tried (evening classes, GCSE, AS level), I don't speaak Italian, so we can only communicate through husband and even then he only says things that won't rock the boat. When they have visited us and they stay it's fine, crowded and a little awkward due to the language barrier, but fine.

I am grateful for them especially because I have no family, so we have noone else, so if child no 1 didn't go to Italy at the end of the school term, then we would have nowhere for him to go. But I am also my own person, I do everything for my family and myself. I keep the house and am the one that will change my work schedule if child no 1 has school clubs, or illness etc. wouldn't have it any other way, so find it difficult when people want to help. I just want to do what is best for everyone and I guess ultimately, it won't be what is best for me!

It would be my worst nightmare. Put your foot down @PrincessMarma .

I agree with the other posters suggesting that you keep your older child at home with you this summer then you won't have the difficulty of your in-laws travelling to bring him back and staying for the week straight after you have given birth.

So you want your in laws to provide free child care for a few weeks, travel internationally to bring him back so your husband doesn’t have to do it, but they should take themselves off quickly because you don’t want them in the way. It’s not a culture problem, it’s a you problem as a far as I can see.
firstly I wouldn’t send my child away when you’re having another - it’s a time of upheaval for them so a bit of maternal support and connection would be appropriate. Secondly if your in-laws provide free child care suck it up and offer them a bed and cup of tea.

This ^

Could you and dh afford to pay for accommodation nearby? Not fair to expect them to drop eldest off and go straight home. Equally not fair for you to have hosting duties so soon after birth.

If possible I would make Italy trip happen for your son if he is keen to go as that is his usual routine. I would want him back soon after birth though.

60s is not old

At 60 I was regularly picking up my granddaughter and flying back home with her. If timetabling possible I would fly out in the morning and back home with her in the evening. Dd and her husband worked for an American company with minimal holidays and they lived in a country which had long holidays where nurseries were also shut. Sixty year olds are generally capable. I couldn’t do it now at 80.

I wouldn't send my eldest away to come back to a new baby. Just say plans have changed this summer and he'll be staying with you.

Firstly, as stated above, they do not provide free childcare for a few weeks. He is usually there without wither of us for 5-7 days MAX and we pay towards his bed and board whilst he is there and I would actually prefer my husband to do it. I would want and prefer my older child to stay with me so they can bond, but the ONLY reason he would be going in the first place is because we do not have any childcare in this country.

Secondly, I never once said it was a culture problem - if I had any family alive I would not want them to be in our house just after birth either...

Lastly, they don't drink tea - maybe it's the culture ;)

@Stanislas @Iloveeverycat

I never said 60 was old in the slightest, I just know his parents and their level of activeness. I did not mean any disrespect.

! Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.
no fucking way. I’d invite friends for dinner this weekend and tell dh he is cleaning and cooking because hell will freeze over before I have a newborn and am doing all the hosting for his parents, so he has 3 options- 1. take son for a few days / week and return with him. 2. Son doesn’t go this summer 3. Dh does everything around the house for the next month to demonstrate he’s capable because you are not hosting. Everything. There is no 4thh option.

I have suggested that I can pay for their accomodation - it's just one little load off my shoulders, you know.

@boulevardofbrokendreamss @Codlingmoths

The only reason for him going this year is for childcare purposes whilst I am giving birth, other than that I can look after him as i will be on maternity leave during the school holidays this year.

Right, so you are dependant on them for some pretty crucial childcare this summer then?

What spare rooms do you have in the house? I'd probably suggest they stayed with you for a weekend, but if they want to stay any longer, suggest an Airbnb or hotel,

Yes, sure. But I guess worst case my husband can come to the hospital with child no 1 once I've given birth.

They could sleep on the floor of our sons room or the living room - one could go on the sofa... It's not that I mind them staying parse, it's just as soon as I have given birth? I don't ask for much or expect anything from anyone, I don't go out or anything, I work full time, do the childcare, house chores, shopping, organise the birthdays etc. I always pay our way, like let me bleed in peace for a minute?

Think this has been totally blown out of proportion.

Your husband not doing chores needs dealing with TODAY.

Your in laws are Italian.
They largely do this.
Based on said matter, my husband would never be Italian.
Good luck.

Yes, sure. But I guess worst case my husband can come to the hospital with child no 1 once I've given birth.

Are you suggesting your in laws don't come at all and you give birth without your husband, so he can look after your eldest?

Get the husband sorted first, not doing any chores is wild! How can you have any respect for a man that would expect you to host days after giving birth?

Secondly, can you not seriously look into some sort of babysitting service nearby that would look after your son whilst your give birth? Or any close friends? You have time to let a babysitter and your son get to know each other.

I dont know why you are being given a hard time about his parents age, some people in there 60s might as well be in there 90s. People are so touchy about things like this on MN. Ignore those idiots.

Dont know why you are getting so much stick for this post. Who the hell would want non english speaking, non helpful in laws over a few days after birth who will just sit around and expect you to run after them?

Just because they are helpful with childcare during the summer (which is also beneficial to them btw assuming the love their grandson, it's hardly a chore) doesnt mean they get to come and be annoying straight after birth.

How very rude. Just because he is in Italy does not mean they look after him all summer and we don't. There will be a maximum of 5-6 days this year where neither of us would be there, and hubbys brother & wife are there as well as 4 x aunties and uncles,as well as all husbands grown up cousins.. Regardless, my husband is there most of the time as he is allowed to work anywhere and I am there for 2.5 weeks out of the 4 he is actually in Italy for. Last year he was without either of us for 3 days, the year before he was with us the whole time.
Of course I miss him EVERY second he is gone and if I could work and keep him at home I would, but unfortunately I need to work in order to provide.

Do / have you ever go out and leave your children? Go on dates, have a day / night out / attend a work event? Go to the toilet? Gym, sports? Anything? Well, I do NOTHING throughout the whole year and these few days are what I get. I am allowed time for my mental health. Sorry for that.

Thank you, that has calmed my anxiety somewhat.

@PrincessMarma

In your opening post you said that your child spends the whole summer holidays in Italy with your husbands family, and stated ‘we join them for 2/3 weeks’. If I remember correctly, school summer holidays are 6 or 7 weeks, so I wonder why you said in later posts that your child is only without you there for a few days or a week?

The numbers don't add up.

I agree . This is a big part of the problem. He should be hosting his parents and caring for DS while you recover. No way should all this work be on your shoulders especially now.

School holidays aren't 7 weeks ! 'All summer' perhaps an exaggeration, I mean 4 weeks does feel like a whole summer!