AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

[PrincessMarma]

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

Don't send your child to Italy this summer. Simple.

In your shoes I would:
Keep DC1 at home. DH can work from home, your son can try a summer camp in the mornings, and DH can pick him up at lunchtimes and learn to pull his weight a bit as you are heavily pregnant by then.
You need to sort a reliable babysitter who you can have the confidence to call on in the middle of the night if necessary. Also an opportunity to have some nights out over Easter and days off with your son spending some time in daylight hours with a minder so they are used to each other.
Then:
Firstly, babies don't turn up like the proverbial German train. Inlaws can come and visit for a week at the end of August when hopefully the baby is safely delivered? You could book a holiday house away if funds permit so there is space for you all and you don't feel claustrophobic in a small house with a wailing newborn and in-laws on the other side of the wall.

The timing is a bit of a shame - with you on mat leave and your husband flexible you could have potentially had a few weeks in Italy once DC2 was vaccinated but DC1 will be in school by then. Might be nice to promise Easter or half term in May 26 though?

Dont know why you are getting so much stick for this post. Who the hell would want non english speaking, non helpful in laws over a few days after birth who will just sit around and expect you to run after them?

Just because they are helpful with childcare during the summer (which is also beneficial to them btw assuming the love their grandson, it's hardly a chore) doesnt mean they get to come and be annoying straight after birth.

THIS!

What is the reason your husband doesn’t do “chores” ?

YABU.

You’re having a second kid. You will not be able to work, childcare and do all the chores.

he needs to step up. You could go into labour early rather than the time you have planned. I would just keep your kid home and book a babysitter for when you give birth. A company like Sitters will be able to help.

make friends with school mums etc while you are on maternity so you have a wider circle. Also consider joining antenatal classes like NCT simply for the friendships and support.

tell your husband that if he brings his parents back that he will be in charge of feeding everyone etc.

You seem to want their child care and assistance to suit you, and only you. Is there actually room for them in your home. If they are with you they will surely be some help in looking after your firstborn who will, if you have your way miss out on his much loved time with his cousins and extended family.

OP, we were in your shoes - no (useful/helpful) family in this country, other family on the other side of the world.

You would be AMAZED what friends will step in to do if asked or even hinted at. My friends knew that we'd be flying solo with DS2 and at least three local friends (NCT, nursery) offered to take DS1 (who was four at the time) any time, day or night if we needed them.

So DS1 got picked up from nursery and spent the night his brother was born at a friend's place at DH picked him up at breakfast time.

If people think you've got it covered, they won't offer. Do think about this option.

Otherwise, I'd go with the alternative accommodation. Tell, don't ask. Your house is too small for them to stay immediately after you've had a newborn. Your DH will need to convey that you will usually try to accommodate his/their culture but immediately after giving birth, yours takes priority and they should afford it equal respect.

"You and only you"

You mean the ONLY person in this scenario who will be birthing a full human being and then having to recover from it? You really can't see why someone in that particular situation may not want to have to host people in their home?? Really??

Husband doesn’t really do chores? Well, that needs working on . I’d put them up. They may be a bigger help than he is .

Oh no are there lots of other people in this scenario who are also having a baby and need the same childcare and the op is selfishly thinking ONLY of herself?? Oh wait, she is the only one giving birth. So no shit she is thinking of what will work for her.

i am totally stuck on the op working and doing all the housework and all the childcare and her husband doing… nothing? What does he do apart from bring in a salary, he’d have a job if you didn’t exist so that’s not for you. What do you mean he won’t be doing anything? Op when you’ve given birth, he should be doing all the childcare cooking and cleaning for his parental leave. Please start insisting on that now. He has time to practice some meals. You deserve this from your partner and the baby’s father.

@PrincessMarma I have Italian in-laws too. I wouldn’t be too hung up on notions of ‘culture’: mine have always stayed in an AirBnB since our DD was born. So I would definitely look into that possibility. It’s also ‘cultural’ that Italian nonnas get stuck into things around the house & with kids! So would your MIL be of some help post-baby, even if you need to issue instructions through DH? Mine was great with cooking, washing, and a bit of helping with the baby. FIL mostly ‘supervised’ But did enjoy holding DD, and also did some jobs around the house and garden.

I would tend to agree with others that it might be easier for your DS to stay home this summer. Use summer camps & DH’s flexibility to WFH to manage things.

But if you do send DS to Italy and the in-laws bring him home, then I’d insist on the AirBnB if they want to stay more than a night or two. Remind them they’ll get way more sleep that way!

So you want to bleed in peace in your own home, recover from the birth, be bare chested if breast feeding, walk around your own home barely dressed with a newborn attached with very little sleep learning who the new human is and feeling as peaceful as you can.

Yup sounds super reasonable. Your lovely in laws sleeping on the floor and you feeling a burden of having to "host" is not what you need at that moment in time. I think a lovely close AirBnB is the way forward for everyone. So nice to have the summer childcare from your in-laws and extended family - aunts uncles. You sound entirely reasonable and people are clearly not reading the post correctly. You know it's the right course of action. You also don't need the stress of thinking about it for the next five months. Please feel empowered, protect that gorgeous baby bubble.

God so because grandparents spend time with grandchildren which what my mum always said was a privilege, a new mum should have them to stay just as she gives birth in a small house? I’ve seen loads of threads when grandparents stay a few hours away and everyone always advises ops to set boundaries and put herself first. It shouldn’t be tit for tat, presumably grandparents enjoy their time with grandchildren and it doesn’t come with strings attached and being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home

I’m sorry op, you’re getting these responses because people are bitter that you get weeks of childcare during summer. God forbid.

Your husband is the main issue here though. He needs to speak to them and say then staying would be stressful but that they can stay in an air b&b and you’ll pay and they can come and visit. He also needs to start contributing to his household.

I don't think you can say 'thanks for all the help with childcare, now go off to a hotel or fly straight back thx bye'

I think you either keep DS1 home over the summer and find another approach with childcare around the birth - agree with @JassyRadlett that people can be very kind if they realise you're on your own. I have been back up childcare for loads of nursery parents with their second and I was always very happy to do it

Or just ask have them to stay for a few days to meet their grandchild.

I wouldn't accept the husband doing no chores

I think what people are trying to say is, they do a lot for you every year ( them and their children and their children are a massive support network for you), so it would be kind to also treat them with as much warmth.
maybe a good compromise would be to ask them to come not one week post birth but a little later? Maybe week 2 or 3 instead? If they are the helpful sort of grandparents you might be happy for the help too

I do think yabu but I can understand why, there is no ideal option for everyone. You can’t really send your in-laws to a hotel if they’re going to be bringing your DS back. So you’re options are not to send your DS at all and DH looks after him, send him and he stays until DH picks him up, or in-laws bring him back and they stay with you.

Why can't they go to a hotel or an AirBnB?

A 2.5 bedroom house is probably too small for four adults and two children at the best of times, and the best of times are not when one person is recovering from giving birth and another person is a newborn.

We have a larger house than OP but my parents always stay in a short term rental when they visit (from much further away.) They get to be more comfortable and less cramped, no one's on a sofa or air mattress, they're just round the corner and can retreat if they need some space/a break from the chaos of our place.

Maybe that's one that can be put to the grandparents. The red line is that staying at the house won't work this time because in a situation where there is no ideal solution for everyone, the person who just gave birth gets priority this one time. So it's their choice - they can have DS as usual and bring him back, and they can have a rental nearby, or DS stays home this year.

But cakeism isn't on the menu.

(The OP's DH being an absolute chocolate teapot is a whole other issue.)

Husband doesn't really do chores, and wouldn't expect guests to, so this would fall on me.

Wtf have I just read?

He never does chores? Why? You both work full time.

He would invite guests to stay then he, and they would let you clear up around them?

These are not the kind of guests you need.

My suggestion is your son doesn't go this year. Find someone to have your son while you give birth. Visit Italy together when you're ready.

The issue is your husband and inlaws won't do chores.
I too come from a community where parents visit for long periods and wont stay in a hotel, but they do chores.

I wondered this too @PrincessMarma

I don’t think there’s a perfect solution for anyone. I do find it odd though that you feel they’re incapable of travelling back soon because of their age and yet they’re fine to sleep on the floor? Do they normally stay on the floor when they come?
plenty of larger families live in houses this small because they’re set up to do so either a sofabed or child on an airbed elsewhere for a few nights.
I also feel that in laws get such a poor deal in that because they’re not blood relatives the same hospitality is not extended as your own family (not referring to this instance as that isn’t the case but generally from the comments, people are happy if it’s their own mum but not an in law).
I agree with a previous poster in that reaching out to friends seems to be the most sensible here and have in laws visit a couple of weeks later.
id also give my right and left arm for a family support network like that even if it is in Italy and I’m not really sure you truly appreciate that. Whether you’re with your son or not the fact you have an option not to be is incredibly lucky.
Of course you are allowed time for you but it’s a privilege denied to many but so would definitely be getting your husband to step up!

I don’t think it’s the grandparents dictating that they just have DS, from OPs posts it’s OP who wants DS to go so they have childcare for when she’s in hospital.

I'm amazed that you can be parted from your older child for that long.