AIBU not wanting in laws staying at our house as soon as baby is born

[PrincessMarma]

Hello. (please bare with)

My husband is italian and we are lucky in the fact that my child (age 5) summers in Italy for the summer holidays with his parents (my inlaws) his cousins, and wider family, we join for 2/3 weeks during the summer. He has the best time.

I am due beginning of August this year and my husband will probably take our child to Italy at the end of July (20 or so), at the end of the school holidays and then return home. He told me yesterday that his parents would be returning our child once the baby was born, like within the week. His reasoning was that it would be better than him going to pick up child no 1.

It then transpired that I could either leave child in Italy for the full summer, so wouldn't meet sibling for a few weeks, or he could return home with his parents and his parents would stay for at least a week. AIBU to think that neither of those options are really ideal?

I do understand that his parents are 60's and cannot just jump back on a return flight but do they have to stay at our house? I don't like to be crowded in our space at the best of times, but just after birth?! I would prefer noone was around!?!

I think I just need to hear some opinions on the situation / a fresh outlook on the outcome?! AIBU??

Thank you!

Do you have the space?
I’d say given the amount they’re doing for you with your eldest son you can’t just send them straight back again; if there’s no room could they be set up in an AirBnB or something like that close by?

Also, I assume they won’t arrive the day baby is born so you should be able to get a few early days leeway! I know what you mean though, it’s tough. My in laws arrived on Day 5 (also live abroad) - but they did stay in a local hotel.

Do you stay with them for the 2/3 weeks each summer?

This is a cultural thing and there is no easy answer.
Would they stay in a hotel?

I think you may insult them if they have to stay in a hotel. It’s a week, I’d suck it up

If they are the useful type, it may be good.

If they aren’t the useful type, think about what you want and say to Dh “this is what’s happening this time “.

Maybe it would be best to delay your oldest going to see them until after the baby is born?

Realistically, either way, this summer might be difficult because the oldest is going to feel pushed out by the baby, particularly if he gets off to Italy pretty much just before or after it's born.

I know this is very typical culturally but do you not think you’ll miss DC1 when DC2 is born? Just from my personal experience, I really wanted to get back to DC1 after only a night in hospital with DC2.

Do you think better to keep DC1 at home at start of holidays, let them meet DC2 with not much delay, then after a couple weeks as a family your DH could take DC1 out to Italy, or your parents in law could come for quick visit before taking DC1 back with them?

Stop the ageist “they are 60” so can’t travel. Of course we can if we have kept our fitness just like 30 year olds. Honestly you make us all sound like we should be in a care home.

I would not be letting the elder child go to Italy on this occasion. Too close to your due date and will cause a lot of extra stress. Your husband should not be flying abroad within the last couple of weeks of your pregnancy either.

This is def a cultural thing.

I think Italians would find it odd not to be staying with you, unless it is incredibly crowded (and perhaps even then).

I do understand your feelings, but it sounds like you very much appreciate the summer arrangements, and (from what you have said about the cousins) the possibility of including your new child in them, in time.

It can’t all be one way. Given DS loves the summer house party, might he enjoy the extra time in Italy as an alternative? I know that sounds weird at first, but it gives you more time to devote to the baby and I don’t think it will affect DS’ bond with his sibling.

Otherwise I think it would be prudent to suck it up. Sorry about that.

I'd just keep your DS with you, rather than going abroad to stay with them this summer, so he can get to know the new baby.

This is a great idea except I thought that perhaps the Italian grandparents would have other DGC with them?

I would keep your child with you around the birth of their sibling so they feel included and are also given time to prepare for their sibling arriving and bond with them, especially as they may feel a little more clingy to you when baby comes. Being away from you during that time might be really difficult for your child during such a big transition in their immediate family. Plus, I wouldn't want your dh traveling with them so close to your due date incase baby came early. I'd have the in laws come to you but stay in an air bnb nearby so they can take your child out and spend time with them and also visit you regularly without having to impose or be hosted. Obviously this is an ongoing arrangement you have which everyone seems to feel really good about and I'd be inclined to change it for this year and resume to normal plan for next year .

I was about to say this. I'm nearly 60 and still travel as much as I did in my 30s.

This! Good suggestion and easier all round.

I would keep son with you until baby is here for sure.

When exactly are holidays. You say end of July is end of holidays?

How long does he usually go for.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with them, talk it out.

What's the space like? You might be better with help initially when the first few days are crazy.

If DS1 is excited to go to Italy for his usual summer holiday I would never keep him from it for a baby who won't be the slightest bit interesting or fun. It's a sure way to build resentment from day 1. I think you'll massively insult them if you ask them to stay in a hotel if you stay with them in their home every year. I'd let them stay. They sound like they really love your son and will adore the baby. That's a gift so many people don't get.

I’m very close to dd. However when her dc1 was born we booked an air bnb nearby and I told dd I would text every morning to chk if she needed anything or whether or not she wanted us.
We wouldn’t have dreamed of being in their home for a full week.

If you can afford it book the inlaws a few days in an air bnb nearby.

Tbh I think this is just the corollary of being lucky enough to have family childcare for the birth of your second child, but not close by. Family have to stay over.

My parents, who live a few hours drive away, stayed to look after DC1 when I had DC2 and so were there when I came home from hospital (and stayed until the next day as there were potential complications with DC2 so DH wanted to be able to be at the hospital). My mother was actually still working then (retired shortly afterwards) and only had a couple of days off so if DC2 hadn't arrived promptly, DH wouldn't have been able to be at the birth unless it happened within school hours.

With the second one, I find you don't get much privacy anyway and it's quite useful to have people around to look after the older one and take them out.

DC 1 being away when your second child is born is a bad idea. He's likely going to come home and feel left out of this huge family event and bonding. He should be included throughout. Plus, your husband travelling so close to your due date, do you have someone in house who can get you to the hospital if you go into labour before your due date? How would he feel about missing the birth and how would you feel about that?

I would cancel this summer's visit. In laws can come when you feel up to visitors.

My husband was Italian and we were living in a tiny NYC walkup with no room to spare and the inlaws were cool with getting a hotel when I had had time to recover.

I’d ask your in-laws to bring back DS a couple of weeks after the birth, and stay for a week. They do so much for you and will be so close to DS that they deserve special treatment.

So the DS misses out on an enjoyable summer with his cousins etc to be stuck at home with Mum and a new baby. Sounds crazy to me

It's not age-related but I wouldn't have wanted to fly somewhere and then go straight back even at 30. However I would be quite happy to stay in an Air BnB for a week. Couldn't you float this? Wouldn't your DH support you? I do think some of the people who say ILs can't see the new baby for months are a bit bonkers but it's surely ok not to have them staying immediately post partum. I know there are cultural differences but why should his culture trump yours. You are the one that's just given birth after all!

I think if your pils have been having your dc for weeks in the Summer then you can have them for a week post birth.

When did these holidays in Italy without his parents start out of interest as he is only 5?

They care for your eldest all summer ,and most probably this new baby too
And you can't put them up for a few days ..
That's a lot your asking of them ,and very little they are asking in return.
I know you will of just given birth ,and we all like our space at that time ..but I don't know anyone who gets that amount of childcare provided,so really ,as uncomfortable as it makes you feel ,I think you'd look very unfair saying no .
Besides,don't you miss your 5 year old
All summer is a very long time
How many years have they been going all summer for