AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

No, the carer didn't even say anything. In fact he was almost laughing as though it were some kind of playing.

@SillyOldBucket well she now knows whose side of the fence you're not on!!!!

It takes hours of assessment to diagnose someone with autism.
Maybe you should look into a new career choice.

I'd have had to get physical to remove him, no way would I stand there and watch that.

But what shocks me most is the behaviour of his carer. She didn't even apologise?! Sounds like she's not cut out to be taking him to such places if this is a known behaviour of his. Completely unacceptable.

Edit, carer is male so I mean He.

It sounds like you were both in shock and froze. Perhaps on some level you registered that dd wasn’t in real danger. I’d talk to your dd about what to do if someone unwanted touching them.

Honestly though OP, if you know anything at all about autism, you'll know that what you wrote in your OP is completely unacceptable.

"If it was a normal person"

Can you imagine how anyone with autism or whose DC have autism might feel reading that?

*violence against women

Nobody has said this. Autism/ND is NOT an excuse for that behaviour, and if an ND individual hurt my child, I'd absolutely defend them.

What do you think the police would do though?
Bearing in mind this is a severely disabled man who doesn't have the capacity to know what he's done?

FFS, it's NOT normal to twist a woman's hair and pull it.

This. A minute is longer then you think.

I would have had something to say to his carer. Why weren’t they with him to stop this immediately (doubt it was the first time it had happened) and for them to not even apologise is disgusting.

It's might not be an excuse but it csn be a reason the spectrum is vast some autistic people don't have the capacity to understand their actions

Having been in a similar situation last year, I've a pretty good idea what my response would be - because I literally yelled at the top of my lungs 'stop, stop, stop!'.

I think if you actually read my reply you'll see that far from 'pontificating' I was quite sympathetic to Op about freezing. Wind your neck in.

Wrong. It would still be worth calling the police because this is a safeguarding concern - the carer is putting the young man at risk of retaliation by not being on hand to prevent this kind of behaviour. The police wouldn't take criminal action, but they would make a safeguarding referral. Or at least, they should.

Source: Work in the adult safeguarding team at my local LA.

Sorry but you were being unreasonable, non verbal with SEN or not. Your first duty is to protect your daughter.

Grasping his wrist and “no, we don’t do that do we?” may have diffused and made him let go. May not, but your daughter would have seen that you had her back.

Sorry, don’t wish to offend. Have done similar in similar circumstances.

No-one said it was?

Fine to say the behaviour is not normal.

Not fine to say someone with autism isn't normal.

I thought that was pretty clear, but maybe not?

That’s a really unacceptable response and very unprofessional of the carer. I don’t doubt that is a very difficult job but clearly they need more training - for everyone involved.

I don’t suppose you have any way of reporting/tracking now.

I think I might have had a few stern words with the carer. This cannot have been a surprise to them and they are responsible for their subject's actions. An apology would have been the least I would expect.

Then say it about the action. To write about the person in the way the OP did, is offensive imo.

Nope, not if there's severe learning disabilities involved. It's very obvious.

You could have tried talking to him, many people who are non verbal with a learning disability still do understand some basic language and basic instructions. He might have understood the word "no" for example.

I think your brain debated whether intervention would escalate the situation, not whether to help or not.

You didn't know how he would behave and were scared, which is a normal emotion.

Second time was when you were still in shock.

Lots of perfect people on here, but truth is, no one knows until in the situation.