AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

And then you would be arrested for actual bodily harm well done you
Whst does that teach your child?

My comment still stands. I don't understand how what you asked me is relevant to what I said. They can't be allowed to be a danger to others.

I'm a support worker and am surprised he was one to one tbh.

I absolutely agree. Autism does not automatically mean hurting others, being intellectually impaired and having learning disabilities. There are other conditions, syndromes, impairments and disabilities out there in the world. Not everything is autism.

I think your daughter should have said loudly ouch that hurts. Hopefully he might have understood that. The carer should have been watching better and apologised. I would have been keen to note who they were working for. If the carer is finding their service user tricky, that is not good for either of them. I guess social services could potentially be a point of contact but really you need more details on the carer.

So it's ok for the OP to post this absolutely fantasy but not to call out the ableism.

Plus ça change!

I'm not suggesting they should be but there is a huge difference between somone who has the capacity to understand whst they are doing and someone who doesn't, in the latter it's the carers responsibility to ensure they try and keep everyone safe

What would be the point?

Nice victim blaming there. 🙄

This is what comes of reading MN and constantly being told “what if they were ND”. You lose your boundaries and instincts.

I couldn’t give a shit if he was autistic. Not one tiny shit.

If any man one autistic or not assaulted my children I would instantly retaliate with a swift kick to the balls.
My husband on the other hand would of laid him out.
Autism is not an excuse to physically attack people.

It really doesn't matter though, you can defend without attacking, I'm pretty sure most people would have been prompted to do something immediately. Knowing how I respond to things my first thought would be to grab the had that was in her hair to stop him pulling it, I'd definitely shout out if I thought he was with someone to alert them, I'd like to think I'd calmly tell him to let go.

The fact that you assessed the situation but decided to do nothing for a full minute instead of defend your daughter is really quite shocking to be honest.

Didn't you hear about the boy who was thrown off the balcony of the tate modern a few years ago by the autistic boy/man (18 at the time), autism isn't a reason not to defend yourself or the people you love.

I couldn’t give a shit if he was autistic. Not one tiny shit.

Well, you should. Because learning how best to deal with things if you are in that situation could save yourself a whole lot of bother.

I used to work with a man with profound autism and other disabilities and this was something he did. I worked in a group care home, I was 17/19 and this was in the 90s. During my time in that career the trust closed the home and moved all the services users into the community.

I ended up working as a one to one carer to this man and the hair pulling was the reason I left. He was a tiny man, couldn’t walk or talk but could move around on crossed legs and if he got close enough to you to grab a fistful of hair he would. And he would NOT let go. He was insanely, scarily strong. When we were in the home and it happened it would take two male carers to release his grip. When it was one to one the protocol was to stay still and quiet and wait for him to let go.

It was an appalling situation to work in as a young teenager on my own. He was completely institutionalised (as were all the service users really), these were adults in their 30s and up who had been brought up in care homes in the 60s/70s etc. I saw and experienced some awful things.

Anyway; rambling a bit, but I’m not sure there’s anything you could have done other than freeze. And I wonder if some of these posters here have no idea what severe autism is, you absolutely can see it a glance!

Agree. I’m so tired of women and girls being expected to take on the burden of kindness to threatening males. A 20 year old can be dangerous, learning disability or not. If he cannot control his urges to assault people, then surely that’s an argument for him not to be in places where he puts the public at risk. I notice he managed not to assault any adult men, it disturbs me the enabling that occurs in the name of ‘be kind’.

So many clueless people on this thread.

Agsin it's a huge spectrum and whilst it's not an excuse to attack people if the person with autism has the mind of a toddler than they don't the capacity to understand their actions ,the young man need ,s stricter boundaries
2/1"erc
If your husband physically assaulted a severely disabled person he would then be the perpetrator and could well find himself in a ton of trouble.

Being ND doesn't excuse violence towards others. It might explain it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't react in whatever way you can to prevent it just as you would if a NT person was doing it. We can't just stand by and say oh dear he doesn't mean it or understand what he's doing.

I don't think it's helpful to have decided the young man was autistic. As others have said, it sounds like he clearly had a learning disability, but I don't think it's possible to diagnose him as being autistic from a short encounter.
People can have a learning disability without being autistic and be autistic without a learning disability.

I'd've reacted by shouting and to prize his hands free of her hair. No way would I tolerate that, regardless of what i assumed about someone. You or your DD should also report to the police.

The carer was bloody rude as well, in not showing any kind of concern.

And they can also be severely autistic with severe learning disabilities, regardless he does have complex disabilities.

To ascertain why the carer wasn’t doing their job properly

I’d need to be there to see exactly what, but there are self defence ways to get someone to loosen a grip .

I have defended my child on public transport and myself-
Someone having their hair pulled also has options-
This is an adult male assaulting a female, so needs must to keep the woman safe.

I do wish you would all stop using “autistic” and other diagnosis of specific conditions like this. This young man may have had any number of difficulties there is nothing in the description that means he was a “non verbal autistic”. It’s crass at best.

OP your daughter was assaulted and you froze. It’s an odd reaction but probably a result of your own direct experience of attack rather than being particularly aware of disability and accommodating it.

I agree, that's why I said the carer was at fault. Not able to handle the situation.