Aibu to not let my 12 year old go into town with his friends

[WHYohwhy12]

So just that really. My son has just turned 12 and his friends keep going on at him about going into town. They went in on Saturday and were in town with no parents for five hours. They've now sent lots of negative messages about how he didn't come and being mean. I feel 12 is a bit young to be hanging around a town centre with other kids the same age. However would seem like I'm in the minority with his friends parents. I don't think it's helps that he is small for his age so looks about 10 where his friends are all really tall so look about 16. We live half an hour walk from town or a 10 minute bus ride. I just feel conflicted because I think 12 seems quite young he's also been assessed for ADHD which I think muddies my opinion

What school year is he? We agreed Year 8 was fine for ours to go into town with friends so 12/13.

What age seems appropriate though? At that age I was out in town with my friends every weekend. We’d wander the shops, spend our pocket money and be home for teatime.

Mine were allowed to go from year 7

He is in secondary school, presumably he travels there by himself? I think you are being unreasonable. By this age, I personally think kids should be spreading their wings, making independent journeys and spending time with their friends. Me and most of my friends had Saturday shop jobs by 13! There must be an underlying reason why you are being so over-protective?

YABU. How is he meant to learn and gain independence if you control him like this? DD started going into town alone with her friends after school when she was 12 - yes of course the first few times I was worried but as a parent you have to manage these feelings in order to allow them to grow.

He's too young to go into town without parental supervision, especially if they are just loitering or engaging in anti-social behaviour. (Obviously they won't admit to that, but "going into town" isn't a legitimate reason to go into town. You go there to do something.)

Just because other parents don't care about supervising their children doesn't mean you shouldn't. Better be the strict parent and have some other parent's child getting mixed up in knife crime or country lines drug rings.

By couldn’t you meet him in the middle and arrange to be in town yourself for a few hours and let him go off with his friends and then when he is done he can meet you to go home? That’s what I do with my 11 yr old dd.

My 11 year old was in "town" capital city by himself last month for a few hours whilst I was at work. He had a great time going to the shopping centre, buying some Lego and building it in Starbucks. You need to let go of the apron strings.

Yeah I said about that to him I think it's the fact that none of the other kids have that with their parents. Last Saturday two turned up at our house and told us they'd been out all day for hours and they were hungry and wanted some food 😐

He started high school in September so he is year seven

I have no doubt that you will have secretive children sneaking behind your back in the future due to your overly strict parenting. Enjoy!

I (in the early 2000s) was catching buses to the local town with my friends at 10-11 years old. I have a few tales of getting the wrong bus (and once seeing a homeless person be stabbed, which doesn’t make for a huge advocate for the story) but I’m now an independent and resilient adult and I think that being allowed reasonable early independence was part of that.

I would trust him to go to town if he was sensible and could get hold of you if he needed to

My yr 7 DD with ASD goes into town at weekends. I can see on her phone where she is, if she uses her card it pops up on my phone what she spent and where. She usually gets the bus home but knows I'll pick her up if she needs me to.

At this age they definitely need to start being more independent. I was doing exactly the same at that age but with no mobile phones.

YABU

Depends on the town, depends on the child.

If they've never been to town on their own, then five hours is a lot to suddenly agree to.

Our kids gradually extended what they did, from making their way to and from the local high street to shopping in the local city between the ages of, probably, 10-15.

What are you letting him do at 12?

At 12 my DS would be allowed to "hang out" in town, but certainly not for 5 hours unless it was something specific. They usually go and play tennis or football then go round to one of their houses to do gaming.

It’s a normal age for hanging around in town. Hanging around and doing nothing is quite important developmentally. Do you have any reason to think that they are involved in county lines and knife crime rather than talking nonsense and eating chips? Adults meet friends all the time but it’s not called anti-social - it’s called socialising.

Good grief.

A group of 12-year-olds can and do wander round the shops and go in McDonald’s without being supervised or getting groomed by knife-wielding drug dealers. Jeez. They’re at secondary school. They must be capable of travelling and being out of sight of their parents with their mates by then.

I'd start off small and build to up to it. You will have to let go a bit eventually.

As for the poster mentioning county lines and knife crime, unless you have specific reasons to have those concerns then I think that's quite dramatic. Mine was in Sephora and Starbucks at that age!

You will get loads of posters telling you he should be allowed to roam around town for hours with the rest of them, but listen to your gut. I'm a believer in mother's instinct, you will know yourself when he's ready.

In year 7, I would take my boys into town then let them meet up with friends for an hour (whilst I did my own stuff), then they met up with me to go home. Youngest ds is 16 now and travels to London on his own (2 hours on two trains), so it didn't hold him back!

What are these lads doing for 5 hours?!

A massive leap from hanging about town which most normal kids do to suddenly being involved in knife crime and drug rings!

I think you're being unreasonable OP. At this age they need to start to be allowed independence and I know from experience it can be very isolating growing up if you're the only one out a group of friends who isn't allowed to do something. I can't imagine it's doing wonders for his self esteem either and just results in them being left behind from friends.

At 12, I lived a half hour bus ride from town and was allowed to go in with friends at a weekend. If he's a 10 minute bus ride away, I can't see anything wrong with it.

I'm slightly torn.

On one hand yes, they need some freedom and independence.

Otoh I have seen groups of young teens hanging around town causing a lot of trouble and I doubt that their parents realise what they are getting up to.

Where we live most kids aren't and have never been allowed into the main town until they're older. 14-15 because it's dodgy as hell.

But we have an indoor mall in a safer area that most of the younger teens go to.

I think this is about the age to start trusting him, but it's fine to set limits and build up gradually. DS is year 8 and nearly 13 and goes into town occasionally with friends.

Before he was allowed we spent a bit of time 'practising', for example us going in together then giving him an hour to himself then meeting me at a set place, then gradually allowing more time.

He has pretty strict limits on where in town he can go (only town centre, no need to wander away from the main shopping area), what time I expect him back and I asked him to check in with me after a couple of hours. He has life 360 enabled just in case.

I'm not a particularly helicopter type parent and trust my son and his friends, but have no control over who else is around so he's happy with these limits.

I remember the dread of letting my eldest do it but you have to let them do it at some point, they are with their friends, they can call you if the need to. In the unlikely event it doesn't go well you can say they cant do it again until they are a bit older. But realistically what do you think is going to happen that's so bad?

It’s normal to worry OP but it’s our job to try and manage that and allow them some freedom and independence.