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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let my 12 year old go into town with his friends

103 replies

WHYohwhy12 · 02/03/2025 15:16

So just that really. My son has just turned 12 and his friends keep going on at him about going into town. They went in on Saturday and were in town with no parents for five hours. They've now sent lots of negative messages about how he didn't come and being mean. I feel 12 is a bit young to be hanging around a town centre with other kids the same age. However would seem like I'm in the minority with his friends parents. I don't think it's helps that he is small for his age so looks about 10 where his friends are all really tall so look about 16. We live half an hour walk from town or a 10 minute bus ride. I just feel conflicted because I think 12 seems quite young he's also been assessed for ADHD which I think muddies my opinion

OP posts:
Teado · 02/03/2025 16:51

Ritzybitzy · 02/03/2025 16:46

Just going to add - the peer that isn’t allowed to do what their friends are doing learns to lie. That’s all that you’re going to achieve here.

I agree. The kids who weren’t allowed to do stuff always found a way.

OP - tell him yes, but that phone tracking is non-negotiable, and arrange the “code” thing suggested by a PP. Also have the chat about peer pressure and antisocial behaviour.

MissyB1 · 02/03/2025 16:52

Ritzybitzy · 02/03/2025 16:46

Just going to add - the peer that isn’t allowed to do what their friends are doing learns to lie. That’s all that you’re going to achieve here.

Sigh...not true for all kids. I have brought up 3 boys, youngest now 16. They weren't always allowed to do what all their peers were doing - or supposedly doing! I always explained my decisions and they understood. And actually they didn't necessarily want to do whatever it was anyway, sometimes it's about them having the confidence to resist peer pressure - something we all need to help our kids with.

jasminocereusbritannicus · 02/03/2025 16:54

I find this sort of thing so difficult to understand....at 12 years old I was going on a bus with my cousin (same age)from Watford to Brent Cross shopping centre and back!

My daughter used to get on the train and go from Bridlington to Beverley, with her friends, age 12+.

It didn't stop me worrying about her, of course, but there comes a point when you just have to let them go,however scary it seems; otherwise how do they ever learn independence?

WonderingWanda · 02/03/2025 16:55

5 hours is a long time and I wonder if kids might start to misbehave in a bid to entertain themselves at that age so I would worry about my 12yo dd as well. I would let her go for part of the day though. Could you not let him go but make up some reason for his mates why he can't be out all day. Or let him go but tell him to invite his mates back to yours for the afternoon?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2025 17:07

I think yabu. My dd was doing this from year 7. Just because your ds is smaller and you believe looks younger, it doesn’t mean that he should be treated younger. Developmentally they are all the same age and will be at a similar stage whatever their height. My nephew is being wrapped up in cotton wool and he is incredibly naive, more like a child 3 years younger. It doesn’t do kids any good. They need to learn to look after themselves. They are future adults after all.

Extraenergyneeded · 02/03/2025 19:17

I think it depends quite a bit on which town it is.

GroovyChick87 · 02/03/2025 19:19

I would let him but give him a time to be home by and he has to keep in touch. And give him a talk about being sensible if he's easily led.

kierenthecommunity · 02/03/2025 19:42

pinkroses79 · 02/03/2025 16:51

Just to add, I was actually delighted when my sons said they were going into town as it meant a day not playing Xbox so I would have happily pushed them out the door and hoped they would stay out for several hours.

100% this. I wish my DS saved a bit of pocket money and went into town with his pals, rather than spend it all on Robucks 🙄

He's been a couple of times, and he’s a young Y8. I think the first time was late in Y6 or maybe in the holiday after that so he would have been 11. He went with his friend who is a year older. I think DH prepaid for a bus ticket for him. His friend is reasonably sensible which helped.

I’d be astonished if those DC had really been in town for five hours (unless they’d gone to the cinema or bowling or something) My DS and his pal went to Greggs, went to look in Cex, had a look round the market and came home by the sound of it.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 02/03/2025 19:43

I have the opposite problem. DS will be 12 this year, ASD, no friends to go out with locally as he had to change schools in primary due to EBSA and now he's in secondary he's in a specialist autism base. I'm very keen to promote independence but would be happier if he could start locally, then the nearest town which is walkable or there are buses, and then go from there.

Would probably say no to nearest city as he struggles to cope there when he's with me and DH.

RachelLikesTea · 02/03/2025 19:46

Dotjones · 02/03/2025 15:21

He's too young to go into town without parental supervision, especially if they are just loitering or engaging in anti-social behaviour. (Obviously they won't admit to that, but "going into town" isn't a legitimate reason to go into town. You go there to do something.)

Just because other parents don't care about supervising their children doesn't mean you shouldn't. Better be the strict parent and have some other parent's child getting mixed up in knife crime or country lines drug rings.

I definitely went into town with a friend when I was 12. No drugs or knife crime, just Chelsea Girl and Port Maid. My dc did, too. The bonus nowadays is mobile phones.

FairBrickBiscuit · 02/03/2025 19:49

Mine were going to town with friends from year 7, but only for specific activities and knowing where they would be (for example cinema then Starbucks), not just loitering.

Jade520 · 02/03/2025 19:51

Going to town and doing a bit of shopping/cinema and going to a coffee shop fine. Going to town and just hanging around for 5 hours with nothing to do, definitely not.
It is definitely not developmentally necessary to hang around a park/city centre for five hours! Even in my day the kids that did that ended up getting up to no good smoking/drinking/boys/stealing lip sticks or the like. IMO kids hanging around with nothing to do are the very worst thing.

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 02/03/2025 19:54

I think my dds were y6 when they started to go to town with friends. I’d drop them in initially but by 12 they would be taking themselves in.

that said. They were sensible and I trusted them. You know your son best and so your decisions for your child may be different because you don’t think they’re ready. That’s ok.

natalieplusone · 02/03/2025 19:55

I think it depends on the child.

mitogoshigg · 02/03/2025 20:02

Mine went from 11, initially i would drive them in and go shopping separately myself, then by 12 they would take the bus in, girls not boys though

Lovelynames123 · 02/03/2025 20:05

My dd, almost 13, has been going to the metrocentre (,massive intu shopping centre) with her friends for about a year. Dd11 just had her first solo trip, but I was also there just not with them, for a couple of hours.

Town (,a busy northern city) will be more like 14, but you do need to give them freedom, and trust

Azdcgbjml · 02/03/2025 20:07

Everyone is answering based on their own experiences and what their town is like and what their children and their friends are like.

The answer depends on several things, not least the kind of friends he has. What are they doing for 5 hours? A 45 min lunch break is enough for kids to get into trouble, never mind 5 hours of hanging around. What is the town like? What other people are likely to be hanging around in the town? What do they do?

Here, the kids that hang around town or the shopping centre are categorically not the ones I want mine to get mixed up with and county lines and knives would be a very real concern (because of things I actually know about not just some general concern). Fortunately, it hasn't really come up with my kids who would not consider "hanging around" in town a fun occupation. Eldest has gone into town specifically for shopping with friends or a meal with friends. Youngest has gone into town to get an ice cream sometimes when waiting for me to collect after an event. They can get around independently and use public transport. It is possible to do all that without "hanging around" in town with no specific purpose.

OP only you know the children and location involved so, unless your prone to being overly anxious and over protective, I would trust your gut.

MuggleMe · 02/03/2025 20:15

Hmm depends what his friends are like I think. If they're polite and sensible and likely to go in a couple of shops, buy a drink and go to the park and play sensibly, fair enough. Vape, drink, get in the way and generally be a noisy nuisance, no.

Could you agree on a couple of hours and track his phone to see where he's going?

Sunnydays25 · 02/03/2025 20:19

I think it's too young to just hang around in town - what are they doing? If his friends were hungry when they got to yours they must not have had any money, so what do they do for 5 hours?

At 12 my DS would hang out in friends houses or the park, not in a town centre. He would have been 14/15 before he went into the city centre with friends, but generally to do something, even if just to look at trainers.

He's not tied to my apron strings, 22 and finishing uni this year.

I think your son needs something to fill his time at the weekends - youth group, Scouts or a sport maybe.

CatrionaBalfour · 02/03/2025 20:22

I let my son go into town to meet his friends from yr6. He would catch a bus, meet up to go round the shops, catch the bus home after a couple of hours. All fine. We wanted him to get independent before secondary school.

TeenLifeMum · 02/03/2025 20:23

That’s the age it starts. At that age, initially I requested a plan -which shops are you visiting and which cafe. I didn’t want them just hanging around. Lots of conversations about good choices and being safe. You have to trust them to try but be at the end of the phone if they need you and be able toto pick them up. One mum went into town and hung out in a cafe. I get it but felt that was ott. Our town is very safe, especially in the day.

liveforsummer · 02/03/2025 20:26

Dd is still in primary school. Has been going in to town since being 11 with friends but probably from 10 with her big sister. They don't hang about, they look round the shops, get bubble tea and McDonalds. Pretty safe as far as pre teen activities go. We are a similar distance to you

liveforsummer · 02/03/2025 20:28

sanityisamyth · 02/03/2025 15:22

My 11 year old was in "town" capital city by himself last month for a few hours whilst I was at work. He had a great time going to the shopping centre, buying some Lego and building it in Starbucks. You need to let go of the apron strings.

We live in a capital city too. City centre is 'town' 😆

Haveyouanyjam · 02/03/2025 20:29

I think ‘hanging out’ covers many things. I would have said the same but we always went bowling, to the cinema or for food and to the shopping centre. We were pretending to be 10 to get a kids Pizza Hut buffet and sneaking into the occasional 15 movie but that was as bad as it got…as long as their friends are sensible I actually think it’s better to give the freedom early. Then it doesn’t go to their heads when they are a couple of years older and people start smoking/drinking. At 14 I hated hanging out in the park when friends were drinking as I always just took care of the sick ones. My parents trusted me and I didn’t feel the need to rebel and only started getting drunk with friends when we were at house parties and I felt safe. My friends with over protective parents tended to be the ones in a drunken mess in the park at 14.

HeyDoodie · 02/03/2025 20:34

My 12 year old goes into town with a small group, catches the bus in, eats in the food mall, pops into the world food shop, looks through CEX and buses it home.

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