Aibu to not let my 12 year old go into town with his friends

[WHYohwhy12]

So just that really. My son has just turned 12 and his friends keep going on at him about going into town. They went in on Saturday and were in town with no parents for five hours. They've now sent lots of negative messages about how he didn't come and being mean. I feel 12 is a bit young to be hanging around a town centre with other kids the same age. However would seem like I'm in the minority with his friends parents. I don't think it's helps that he is small for his age so looks about 10 where his friends are all really tall so look about 16. We live half an hour walk from town or a 10 minute bus ride. I just feel conflicted because I think 12 seems quite young he's also been assessed for ADHD which I think muddies my opinion

My son goes to school in the city 4 miles away on the bus. The city centre is 10 mins away from his school. He's 12 in August and yesterday he went on the bus to the city and had a great time. Went to the castle, cafe, shops, McDonald's then back home.

He had his phone on him, we kept in contact.

He's been to the local town 3 miles away on the bus, cycle rides with his friends. His friends are well behaved and nice kids.

I started getting the bus into town (a small city) aged 11 onwards. 12 should be fine i would say.

Why don’t you trust your kids?

At this age they need to do things without adults it's important for their development.

My 10 year old is autistic and I let her do this with her brother snd responsible friend. Checked in a couple of times and they got a bus home.

She is mega nervous but loved it and yes they probably were gone a few hours meandering about shops etc

I was allowed to catch the bus into town from Year 8 onwards, but that was an hour's bus journey covering 15 miles and required a 4 mile cycle to get to the bus stop.

So if it's only a half hour walk, I reckon that seems okay from year 7? I was allowed off on my bike on my own into the village/the woods (so up to about 2 miles away) from year 6 onwards. It involved crossing a fast A road so not just residential streets.

I remember it as well, it was scary. . But you have to let him do it OP. You’ve taught him right from wrong and how to do things and now is the time for him to test it out.

Give him a code word to use in case he needs to get out of anything dodgy with peer pressure etc! (We used to use ‘mum, I need more data’) if my kids sent me this I knew I had to message them back and say we had a family emergency and I had to collect them now! Never needed it though).

Maybe start off with letting him go for a couple of hours and build up?

I was travelling quite far and wide by public transport, both solo and with friends, at the age of 12. Nothing bad ever happened, and I never got into any trouble.

Yabu. Let him go and get the life 360 app.
Parents who hold their kids back, like my own mother did, are awful.

YABU. As your OP shows, you're actually making his life harder by babying him.
(Sorry if that sounds harsh - I know it's not easy ).

I let my 12 yr old DD go into town with her friends.

Absolutely no way would my 12 year old be allowed into the city center alone.

We've barely been as a family. There's nothing there we can't get locally and it's now a proper shit hole, lots of homeless begging, groups of older teens causing trouble, people drunk in the day and very busy.

He would have no idea where he was going or where anything is.

I was given too much freedom at 12/13 and got into all sorts of trouble. I'm lucky I've not been seriously hurt as a kid.

He does however go into our local small town center occasionally with his friends. Mainly out and about at the local parks though.

Depends on the town and the kids.

Dts went in y7 to the shopping centre but there was always a parent having a coffee or doing their own shopping.

Halfway through y8 they started going on their own.

From start of secondary school is typical I think.
we got dropped of and then bus home that was mid 80’s. Same for dc with a couple of stops on the train.
Important to develop independence

YABU.

I have three teens and I think 11/12 is the normal age to let them start going into town on their own. Although "town" in our case is a nice town with a relatively low crime rate, and my kids are pretty sensible, so that has an impact on my answer.

I think I would have Life 360 put on his phone so you can track what he's up to.

I'd say yes to town but only for 2 hours because you've got something to do after that as a family (insert 'something to do' every single time he goes to town with these kids until he's older).

I would also get him involved in clubs like cadets or something to keep him busy.

I wouldn't be happy with him hanging around town for 5 hours every weekend. Like PP's have said, kids that age with nothing to do for 5 hours can get up to mischief and can be very annoying like being silly in shops. These kids sound like they don't have the same parental boundaries and I'd be encouraging a wider group of friends.

I would also be having a chat with him about peer.preasure and how some kids steal from shops and that is something never to do, even if his friends do it. Same with catching a train without buying a ticket. These are the general conversations I've had with my kids when these kinds of situations crop up.

It feels like if he can't go he won't be able to hang out with his mates as much. At that age playing at your pals house with adult supervision probably feels a bit restrictive.
I think secondary school age, kids should be responsible enough to hang around town centres/parks/shopping malls in groups of a similar age, during the day.
There isn't really much unstructured free activity for young teens in most places. So I'd let him go. Give him a chance to prove he can be responsible.

DC is in year 7 and has started recently. It's a 15 minute drive or 30 minutes on the bus, they get the bus. They mooch about, get a McDonald's and catch up with their friends. I was doing the same at their age, 20 years ago.

I have life life 360 on their phone and I also downloaded the local bus app and showed them how to use it. They have their own bank card too.

No harm will come from you waiting another year though

My mum was super strict with me but I was still definitely allowed into town with my friends at the age of 11-12. I was the youngest in my year and yes, ADHD as well (though not officially diagnosed until later in life).

You think you’re protecting him but instead, I think it might adversely affect his resilience, self-determination and confidence instead. The first few times, why not just grab a coffee in town yourself without telling him, so you’re close by if you’re needed, until you feel a bit more confident yourself?

We did it long before the days of mobile phones. Freedom allows them to learn how to assess risk while in the company of their friends. You need to trust your kids and let them take the lead. When mine felt ready it was because they were ready, all at different ages from 11/12 up..

I would meet my friends in town from age 11 without parental supervision.

Just going to add - the peer that isn’t allowed to do what their friends are doing learns to lie. That’s all that you’re going to achieve here.

Why don't you want him to hang around in town at 12? Mine were allowed to do that, they seemed to spend most of their time eating food and having a look round their favourite shops. Sometimes they went to the cinema as well. It seems like a perfectly ok way to spend the weekend.
When I was that age we got the train to another city on our own.

You're not doing him any favours wrapping him up in cotton wool. I think you could let him go. 5 hours is a bit much to hang around in one place. I expect they going around and about?. Mine would go to the park, mooch round some shops, have a greggs, call on each others houses.

Just to add, I was actually delighted when my sons said they were going into town as it meant a day not playing Xbox so I would have happily pushed them out the door and hoped they would stay out for several hours.