Food etiquette when hosting dinner

[OtterlyMad]

I have an old friend who regularly invites me and my husband around for dinner, and either serves us shop-bought pizzas or asks to order takeaway. AIBU to think this is weird and lazy? She’s a SAHM and the dinners are always planned weeks (or even months) in advance. My husband and I avoid takeaways because we’re trying to lose weight, plus they’re overpriced and we find the options locally to be quite uninspiring (we live in a small town so the choice is mediocre Indian vs. mediocre Chinese). When we invite people over for dinner, we make an effort to serve nice homemade food. I know they cook proper dinners for their kids, so I don’t understand why they can’t make even a spag bol for us?! Last time I actually offered to cook something and bring it with us, but my friend got awkward/defensive.

Are we being unreasonable?

It’s just a fact that they rarely go out and their circle of friends has shrunk since they started a family (we know this because they’ve told us so!) A lot of their other mates live too far away to meet for evening dinner/drinks, so yes I do think they’re desperate to keep us as friends, simply because we’re local to them. That doesn’t mean that SAHMs can’t be “dynamic, sociable and interesting”. Really do feel like you’re reaching to be offended by things I haven’t even said!

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be thrilled at being regularly invited to dinner and then discovering it consisted of a takeaway that I was expected to pay for and wouldn't have eaten by choice. Would probably suck up the pizza because I understand that it's easy when you have kids although I don't understand why, for the same reasons, they don't just accept your offer to bring something nicer/healthier round especially when they are aware that you are on a weight loss journey.

Why don't you suggest going out to eat with them at the local pub?

I understant not cooking for guests; I choose never to do that as it stresses me out.
Christmas for family, with family and cooking food for big family picnics I manage. Cooking for one or two kids or grandchildren - fine, but I don't ever wish to be a dinner party host again.
We go out with friends and we all really enjoy not cooking.

Ooh brutal!

Maybe they don't like OP's cooking and are too polite to say

@Cattery ah, out of a jar. Ok, even less reason to be annoyed then? A takeaway is nicer than that. And my idea of bringing something round still stands I think. I didn't mean the Michelin thing literally, I was trying to be funny. Failing again, sorry! X

I’m honestly not trying to be offended.

I approach things in a different way. Your posts do come across a bit like you are doing them a favour by being friends with them!

I would be thinking of many different scenarios, such as, maybe they were having financial difficulties, or were having a hard time with one of their children and didn’t have the headspace to cook, or sleep difficulties, or were suffering poor mh themselves, or were making a point of inviting you precisely because they didn’t want the usual split between friends with dc and people who don’t have dc, to occur.

Surely you owe friends the benefit of the doubt, at the very least?

To be friends with someone, I think you need to meet them where they are at, and not as you would like them to be.

Your literal words were,
“I guess when you have kids, you have fewer opportunities to socialise”
you didn’t say that they told you this!
But no matter!

The real problem here isn’t the food. It’s the fact that you perceive them to be very keen on being friends with you whereas you have realised that you no longer wish to be friends with them. And that’s fine as long as you let them know in a respectful way. And as a pp has pointed out, there isn’t really a way of doing this that isn’t hurtful, but at least you can be honest.

Really? I don’t see that as brutal at all but I’m
quite old so maybe there’s a generational difference at play?

Personally I would appreciate honesty from a former friend rather than polite lies.

How do you break up a friendship in a way that isn’t hurtful to the one who wants to remain friends? Imho, the only way to do this with integrity is to tell them the truth couched in as kind words as you can.

I know people prefer ghosting now or refusing so many times that people get the hint, but I think that’s almost worse!

I CBA with this at all, pointless going out for food and for it to be so awful, would prefer just a post food drink and chat. Totally agree with you and am amazed at the split in the vote. I think splitting the cost of the takeaway is the lesser of the two evils.

The reason they host is because they have young children they can’t/don’t want to get a babysitter for, so going to the pub doesn’t solve the problem unfortunately.

Just stick to going in the summer / spring and encourage barbecues where you can then take some meat to cook and sides / salad . Be upfront and tell her you are trying to eat more healthily so don’t want take aways so will come later just for drinks .

Not unreasonable at all, shop bought pizzas are the sluttiest ready meals, imo. You make effort, she doesn’t. Totally understand your annoyance. Just give them pizza next time you host? Easy.

I'd ask what we were having. If it was frozen super market pizza I'd tell her we will just have drinks and eat before arriving. Life's too short for crap food.

I think Yanbu.
The takeaways thing would be ok for me if it was delicious and healthy, though it's off to insist on hosting and then split the cost. as a host with the meal lined up in advance, I would pay.
But if these are long time friends, and it comes up often, could you just have an actual conversation about it? Maybe that doesn't matter if what you know you want is to drop the friendship anyway. But on the other hand what's to lose? Worst case she is so terribly offended that they stop inviting you...

Low Class?????

You’re everything that’s wrong with Mumsnet. Judgey, classist, snobby women who LOVE to look down on others that they deem inferior.

Shameful. Utterly shameful.

What an embarrassing thread.