Food etiquette when hosting dinner

[OtterlyMad]

I have an old friend who regularly invites me and my husband around for dinner, and either serves us shop-bought pizzas or asks to order takeaway. AIBU to think this is weird and lazy? She’s a SAHM and the dinners are always planned weeks (or even months) in advance. My husband and I avoid takeaways because we’re trying to lose weight, plus they’re overpriced and we find the options locally to be quite uninspiring (we live in a small town so the choice is mediocre Indian vs. mediocre Chinese). When we invite people over for dinner, we make an effort to serve nice homemade food. I know they cook proper dinners for their kids, so I don’t understand why they can’t make even a spag bol for us?! Last time I actually offered to cook something and bring it with us, but my friend got awkward/defensive.

Are we being unreasonable?

It's true. I wish I'd invested in a pizza franchise earlier in life. My extended family love them and spend a fortune on them and I just puzzle over how soggy cheese on toast became so universally popular and expensive. I expect they'll be chomping right now on cold slices of the extra ones they always order for breakfast the following day. No thanks, definitely not.

I have started making things easy and stress free when we host by not getting too stressed by the food when people come over .
eg a family coming for dinner with their kids

• Supermarket pizzas plus crudities and dips

Another time when we were 12 people - I did curry - two dishes homemade , one a jar of korma sauce over chicken.

Another time I made lasagna and salad but bowls of crisps rather than a starter and ice cream for pudding .

IT takes so long to clean / tidy / set up a table for hosting when you have a family that if you keep the food simple , you can enjoy hosting and make time to see your friends. There was nice wine, lots of laughter and the friends knew they were coming for pizza .

I think you have different mindsets here. I suspect she would be upset to read your views.

you are on a adults only wavelength where the food is key and the host has plenty of time.

They are a family , time short , see a takeaway as a treat they can share with you .i presume you are not being asked to pay ?!

I actually feel you op. I'm in the same position. They have kids so we go there. They serve frozen pizza or takeaway. I'm on weightloss journey and don't want to eat either, when I've took my own she has an issue, if I say I've already eaten she gossips behind my back that I'm being unhealthy with my weightless, when I tried to explain I wanted to eat more healthier I was told I was being silly and deserve a treat- I'm going to stop going which upsets me
I don't think you're being a bitch or snob as others suggest here, just want different things

Yabu.

You're there for the company, not the food. We've been to people's houses and been given sausage, beans and chips. Pizza. Nuggets. We don't mind or care. Someone else has cooked

Maybe she can't cook or has no confidence cooking for others? I have a friend who always orders a take away when people come over. She pays. She admits it's because she lacks confidence in her cooling skills.

It sounds as though she's either not a very competent cook, doesn't enjoy cooking, or most likely both as they tend to go hand in hand.

I don't think the 'she's a SAHM so should be able to spend hours cooking' is relevant - it's up to her how she spends her time.

The deal on the table is a takeaway, so go or don't go. There are always takeaway options that are healthier if you choose carefully from the menu. You mention home-made lasagne as an example of something she could prepare in advance to serve - that's not going to be brilliant for a weight loss diet either!

Maybe they can’t cook and are embarrassed? Plus want a chilled night. If you’re not bothered then make excuses and let it fizzle out!

Maybe next time say "Great, really looking forward to seeing you. What are we having? Shall I bring a salad" and then bring a substantial salad that you can eat a slice or two of pizza with.

If you’ve told them you’re trying to lose weight, offered to bring food and they still serve you a frozen pizza then that would really piss me off and I wouldn’t bother going again.

I get the takeaway bit, and you are being very good hosts in paying for it. I can't get past the disposable plates, though 😱 I would find that very weird - give me a normal plate!

You don't want to be friends so it should be easier to be honest and say "Thanks for the invitation but we are avoiding takeaways at the moment. You are welcome to come to us" especially if they won't come.

I actually wouldn't mind a takeaway at someone's house. It's not like I eat them every day. A pizza is a bit lazy for a dinner but would be okay with some salad or something else for lunch.

If she cooked you meals would this even be an issue and the need to extract ourselves from the cough friendship cough?

*you are on a adults only wavelength where the food is key and the host has plenty of time.

They are a family , time short , see a takeaway as a treat they can share with you*

I came on to say this, too. You can go out to fancy restaurants any time and probably cooking at home is the treat for you. They are home literally all the time and can't afford either the time or money to go out, or both. For them, standing cooking in their own kitchen isn't the treat. The treat is adult company and an excuse NOT to cook.

You've realised you don't like them anyway, so that's ok. It's interesting though, this thing about different lifestyles seems to trip people up a lot on here, and probably real life too. It's always some variant of -people without children blissfully have no idea how much time and autonomy they take for granted, while people with children have no ability to flex round others and can be blinkered about how their priorities aren't as important to others.

Serving pizza or ordering a takeaway is fine as a one off/spur of the moment get together imo. If I invite people to dinner it's carefully planned, I love doing it. However if I didn't then I would be getting something from Coik or M&S dine in and cooking it. Something that looks as though I've at least made an effort. Do you pay half for the takeaway?

I actually wouldn’t mind curry out of a jar, or lasagne and salad. I’m not expecting gourmet - just a bit of effort and variety!

When we get takeaway, we pay for what we order.

Homemade lasagne is a lot of effort; pizza is low-effort – and delicious! She’s inviting you for your company, not for an episode of Come Dine With Me. Personally I’d find being a SAHM hard work, harder than working. I wouldn’t have the time, energy or inclination to make a lasagne on my days at home with DS. I’m much more likely to do so in the evening after work! Going round to hers makes financial sense; babysitters are expensive.

When you offer to bring food, she’s possibly interpreting it as “We’ll only come to your house if we like the food, because we don’t enjoy your company that much”. Do you enjoy your friendship and want to see her? Eat the damn pizza.

Disposable plates! How much time does that save?

She?

Perfect response.

Then don't mention dinner. If she wants company then invite for drinks only and then class the shop bought pizza as nibbles.

Inviting someone for dinner means making an effort and cooking.

My husband was asked to join a badminton group for retired men. Apparently as well as playing badminton they would get together at a different members house each Friday for a meal. The meal was cooked by the relevant wife of the badminton player. One of the other wives warned me that it had started to become very competitive as to who could produce the most fabulous, three course, world cuisine extravaganza. Fuck that. I don't mind cooking but I'm not interested enough in food to allow it to occupy more if my day than it has to....and also, why can't the bloody men do it.

On reflection we’re just very different - different politics, experiences, priorities, outlooks on life. We’re probably not their kind of people either, but I guess when you have kids you have fewer opportunities to socialise so you cling on to that old school friend and her husband because they’re better than nothing?

So in short, yes, I think I would have realised eventually that we’ve outgrown our friendship, but this particular mismatch in expectations has helped me get there sooner.

Maybe she's insecure about her cooking skills? We have ordered pizza at times because I get so stressed out not knowing if what I make will be to their taste. Always make a salad as entrée though so noone is forced to eat a whole pizza.

If you think this is the moment to bow out of the friendship, then do that.

If not, invite them to yours, but just do something simple - curry, lasagne etc, as you mentioned.

If she says no, because of needing a babysitter, then say you wish to 'host' aka provide food, so you will bring it over to hers. If she refuses, then yes, that's the end of the friendship.

But what I can't get over is they invite you over - and then you have to pay for your own food?! Bonkers!

But why don’t the men cook if it’s their club and them eating? I’m not from the UK, it’s line stepping back 50 yrs in time reading here.