Food etiquette when hosting dinner

[OtterlyMad]

I have an old friend who regularly invites me and my husband around for dinner, and either serves us shop-bought pizzas or asks to order takeaway. AIBU to think this is weird and lazy? She’s a SAHM and the dinners are always planned weeks (or even months) in advance. My husband and I avoid takeaways because we’re trying to lose weight, plus they’re overpriced and we find the options locally to be quite uninspiring (we live in a small town so the choice is mediocre Indian vs. mediocre Chinese). When we invite people over for dinner, we make an effort to serve nice homemade food. I know they cook proper dinners for their kids, so I don’t understand why they can’t make even a spag bol for us?! Last time I actually offered to cook something and bring it with us, but my friend got awkward/defensive.

Are we being unreasonable?

She sound like she is relaxed and comfortable in herself, not tying herself in knots trying to host the perfect dinner party. After being with the children all day, cooking endless meals for them, she probably just wants a night off with adult company and no stress.

If one of my friends did this. I’d honestly be so happy she was relaxed and care free around me and just wanted my company. It’s a bit different for you as you feel you’re at different life stages and the friendship is waning. I think the latter is really the issue, not the food.

What if it was home made pizza? With home made sauce cooked in a wood fired Ooni or similar? Would people still have issues as, let me tell you it is actually quite hard getting everything spot on..the simplicity is the challenge.

I digress as I'm taking the pee a bit but just wanted to make a point to the pizza haters......there's pizza....then there's pizza!

I cook simple but nice home made meals when I have friends over as I don't want to spend ages cooking. Once we had a takeout but that was because it was a new home cooked enterprise of someone doing Thai.

Maybe meals with friends that she doesn’t have to cook are a real treat for her.

Thanks. I’ve not responded to the people who have been patronising (I’ve lost 4 stone, I don’t need to be lectured on weight loss strategies!) or said we should just skip lunch (I’m not going to starve myself all day just so I can ‘treat myself’ to a mediocre takeaway). We go to their house because we understand their childcare predicament; I really don’t think it’s too much for them to return the courtesy by serving their guests a simple pasta bake or chicken salad…

YANBU.

Very low effort and lazy of them.

I wouldn’t be impressed either.

I mean we do have other friends who are really into making their own pizza; sometimes that’s what they serve at dinner parties and it’s lovely. I’m not anti pizza - it’s the lack of effort that bothers me. But according to many people in this thread, I should be grateful if they serve potato waffles and baked beans on a paper plate!

This is a very good point actually! Glad you have seen this.

i suppose I wouldn’t mind a low effort cooking meal, but depending on who it is - I would be unhappy to go to someone else’s house then have to pay for takeaway that likely wouldn’t be what I would want to eat anyway.

If you do decide to go again, or if any other friends do this, I’d definitely suggest saying something about having had a big lunch or something and you will just come over for a drink.

I thought this. It's one thing to cook for family, I'd be much more nervouse cooking for friends.

Eat before you go and just nibble on the pizza.

One day their kids will be old enough for them to leave for a few hours and you can have your turn to host.

I don't think it would bother you if you actually liked her. I think you no longer like her, and I detect you may look down on her.
Me and DH are foodies. We go to town when we host. We also make a real effort when we're only cooking for us!
However, I also realise that a) not everyone can cook and b) a lot of people lack confidence in cooking.
One of my oldest friends invited me for dinner and cooked me beans on toast. I knew this was because she simply doesn't know how to cook. She was raised on freezer food/take aways and this is what she eats. I would never have expected anything more from her, to be honest. My other friend always orders Domino's when we go there. She told me she just has no confidence in her cooking and feels far too nervous to cook for us.
I don't judge these two friends. They're useless cooks! But our friendship isn't based on what food they give me. I really like them and value our friendships. Couldn't care less about getting beans on toast.

This is where I think you are being rude, here you are saying she is basically lazy by not hosting a proper dinner party. I think you need to just cut this friendship as you clearly want different things.

I am with your friend and would love to be invited round to someone's house and have a relaxing evening of takeaway and chat. But I also have children so maybe this is the difference.

I can't imagine being offended because someone served me a frozen pizza.

You clearly don't like them so why bother?

I would imagine it's because 2 of the wives are from the ' I always cook from scratch/ oh I just threw it together( 3 days planning, 1 days prep, 1 day cooking and doing presentation) " brigade so others feel obliged to / bullied into doing the same. Women judge other women . This thread is a prime example of that .

Oh and the women all know each other and join the Friday night social thing. They just don't play badminton .

Wow op. You really do come across as thinking yourself superior in every way.

Poor little sahm, with no opportunities to make friends and apparently no intellectual resources either.

Maybe she invites you because she likes you and your dh? And it’s as simple as that? Maybe she is assuming, incorrectly, that you like them just for themselves too?

Maybe she doesn’t cook because she is fed up of cooking for her dc and fancies a night off.

An invitation is just that. You are not obligated to accept. Personally I’m delighted when anyone takes the trouble to invite and host me and I am there for their friendship not the meal.

It’s the height of bad manners to
accept hospitality and then complain about it, so I’m glad you have worked that out during the course of this thread.

Women judge other women . This thread is a prime example of that

I know. Notice how nobody is judging the DH for not cooking a slap up meal for the guests?

No you’ve completely distorted what I said. I mentioned other people had served us homemade pizza before. I’m not expecting this friend and her husband to put on a proper dinner party or make pizza from scratch. It would just be nice for them to put in a little more thought/effort, seen as we make the effort to travel to their home, pay for a taxi, etc.

You're focusing on the food because you don't like them - if they were proper friends, you wouldn't care what they served you.

I think offering decent hospitality demands some effort. Treating adult guests to the type of food a teenager might make for an afternoon snack is pretty lazy and low class.

Personally I enjoy time with friends where it is low effort. You do come across as having high expectations and sounds like you should stick to 'other people' who put on a show. And as others have said, if you liked the friend none of this would really matter.

I don't give two hoots what I'm served when I visit friends - I'm there to socialise and spend time with them. The food is very much secondary to that.

I said we’re DIFFERENT - that doesn’t mean “superior” or “better than”. Of course we have different experiences and priorities when she’s got children and we haven’t! And I think it’s very normal for people to socialise less when they have kids. Your comment reeks of insecurity.

she’s the one constantly asking to meet up

It seems your wants from the friendship differ greatly. You'd do them a service stepping away, they seem to emphasise the time and company whereas you put more emphasis on the quality of the food.

Ah we cant make it, we are out that weekend.

Oh no we have plans that Saturday.

oh no Bob's working that evening. Next time, for sure...

You've many ways to side step out of the invite aside from agreeing to go to their house if it no longer brings you what you want from the relationship.

@biscuitsandbooks

Some people enjoy higher level aesthetics, ambience and food. It's not morally superior to have low standards.

I didn't say it was

But I just can't imagine getting offended by a frozen pizza - I go to my friends to socialise with them, not to worry about the aesthetic and ambience