Food etiquette when hosting dinner

[OtterlyMad]

I have an old friend who regularly invites me and my husband around for dinner, and either serves us shop-bought pizzas or asks to order takeaway. AIBU to think this is weird and lazy? She’s a SAHM and the dinners are always planned weeks (or even months) in advance. My husband and I avoid takeaways because we’re trying to lose weight, plus they’re overpriced and we find the options locally to be quite uninspiring (we live in a small town so the choice is mediocre Indian vs. mediocre Chinese). When we invite people over for dinner, we make an effort to serve nice homemade food. I know they cook proper dinners for their kids, so I don’t understand why they can’t make even a spag bol for us?! Last time I actually offered to cook something and bring it with us, but my friend got awkward/defensive.

Are we being unreasonable?

Quality of food has very little correlation with class imho. Some of the worst food I have ever eaten has been served by very high born folk who I used to work for. Their hospitality was spot on though because they made me feel very welcome,

Personally I like to make a reasonable effort because I enjoy cooking but even then hosting dinner properly is a big effort and expensive nowadays, and my dc have left home.

But maybe this family offers frozen pizza because they are challenged in the budget department or are simply not interested in food. Or their house or kitchen is not set up for elaborate cooking . Once an invitation has been accepted; it’s up to us to be appreciative if you ask me!

We don’t prioritise food over time/company, but this thread has helped me realise we no longer have much in common with these people so we’re enjoying their company less as time goes by, which is probably why the lack of effort with the food has come to bother me.

The issue is this friend doesn’t invite us over on specific days, she literally messages “Please can you guys come over for dinner again soon? Name a date!” It’s much harder to decline or side step invites when they’re so open, I can’t exactly say “sorry we’re unavailable forever”… any suggestion how to respond in the least hurtful way possible?

Just say you'd rather go out, or that it's your turn to host and they're welcome to bring the children?

"Thanks so much, Sarah. We've got a lot on at the moment so can't really commit. Hope you're all enjoying spring. Take care."

"That's kind of you but our schedules are fairly unpredictable these days with work and some ongoing family matters"

"Thanks for the invite but I am swamped at work & hours are less predictable these days."

Then taper off and don't respond to each text.

Possibly they are shit cooks, live off processed food and are embarrassed. I know many people like this.

If you like them either suck it up or go for evening drinks and nibbles after you’ve had dinner at home.

I’m too old to be insecure thanks 😄

You said they were different, yes, but you conveniently missed out the bit where you wrote,

“but I guess when you have kids you have fewer opportunities to socialise so you cling on to that old school friend and her husband because they’re better than nothing?”

which come across very much as if you think they are desperate for your friendship because they have no means or ability to meet other people? And that is quite a judgemental and condescending pov imho.

I’m past all of that now, but when I had school age dc, some of the most dynamic, sociable and interesting people I knew were sahms who led very interesting lives.

What mainly comes across though is that you don’t seem to like or respect your friend tbh, so probably best for their sake to call it a day.

Exactly, I'm the same. I don't want to be pressured or bullied into eating something I know will make me feel awful just to please someone else. It's hurt me that they won't be a bit more understanding or mindful and as I said, I'm 100% willing, like you, to take my own food. I just don't get it. Well done on your weightloss. Ive done 5 stone in the last year, I'm not going to jeopardise that for an Aldi frozen pizza or a domino's that I won't even enjoy.

I agree. Isn’t the evening more about catching up with friends than critiquing the food?

What mainly comes across though is that you don’t seem to like or respect your friend tbh, so probably best for their sake to call it a day.

Exactly this. If I were OP's friends, I'd be pretty hurt that she'd gone to all this effort to write a mean-spirited thread about my poor food and hosting skills.

YABU - and very superior and ungrateful!

A polite way to get around the “name your date” invitation is to say something like, “thanks so much for lovely invitation but I am going to have to decline for the foreseeable future as much of my spare time is being eaten up by family, work and other social commitments, but dh and I wish you all the best”.

I think that is a fairly clear and polite way of saying you don’t wish to socialise with her further.

That's not remotely polite!

But OP is expected to pay for her own food at their house! That’s really weird, why not just invite them round for a drink, then you can supply a few crisps and peanuts. OP would probably bring a bottle anyway….

Lots of virtue signalling on this thread about how everyone doesn’t care what they eat, values the conversation above the food, etc etc, ignoring that OP has offered TO BRING the food to ensure it’s edible. I don’t believe for a minute that they would all be perfectly content to pay for their own food, especially if they dislike it ( as most people would).

This. You need to be proactive in your answers to her. Keep refusing her invitations in general terms and don't answer if she tries to be specific by giving you dates.

She'll get that the friendship has run its course eventually.

Paying for your own takeaway is very normal in my social circles - I've never once paid for anyone else's and they've never paid for mine. We all pay for what we order.

As for bringing your own food, personally I would find that a bit weird (allergies aside). Though maybe OP's friends just don't like her cooking, lol.

YANBU. It would be understandable if it was impromptu, but to invite someone for dinner and serve a shop bought pizza or expect the guests to pay for the food? I wouldn’t go there for dinner again and perhaps would suggest to meet for a coffee or in a park with the kids.

Quite frankly I would hang my head in shame if I’d invited friends for ‘dinner’ and served shop bought pizza for them 😅 but I also appreciate that everyone is different. I would suggest that as a compromise it’s ok to instead see it as spending time with friends and order in…but if the food choices aren’t great then this wouldn’t tickle my pickle for every visit. I think the only way around it would be to say something along the lines of ‘to be honest, I don’t really fancy pizza or takeaway, we’re slimming at the moment. I feel bad that it’s always you hosting and cooking, let us prepare something to bring’ but that does depend how good your friendship is

It depends on your pov. It’s certainly direct but I think being honest and clear has some merit. So if you really don’t want to continue a friendship, sending a message like this is better than ghosting or dissembling.

Edited: obviously having a face to face conversation would be better.

I wouldn't like that either and would prefer to just eat at home and then go round there for the evening. I'm not a big take away fan. No it wouldn't kill me to eat a take away but I would prefer not to. Yes I would do it in the sake of friendship but if it's a regular occurrence I would prefer to just all eat at home and then meet up for drinks/ nibbles in the evening.

What part of @Shepherdscrookish335 comment 'reeks of insecurity'? The fact you've actually put that compounds my thought that you do feel superior and that you are doing this couple a favour being friends with them! Step away, why be friends given your dislike of them, their way of life and how they host!

It's definitely honest and direct but I just don't think a message that basically says "we don't want to spend time with you anymore, see ya" is in any way polite, lol.

Saying that though, there's probably no way of having that conversation that isn't going to be hurtful and/or upsetting.

I'd love it if a mate offered to buy me a takeaway at their house! I wish I could do that more often but it's too expensive. Also I do actually really enjoy cooking. Not that I often have guests nowadays.
If you really want spag bol, make a Ragu sauce and tell her it's lovely and can you bring it round and heat it, if she's not got pasta in you'll pick some up on the way? It's not like you can force her to cook!
Surely you are more interested in the company than aiming to go round there for a Michelin style gourmet meal?

Um, they’re not offering to buy the takeaway… we pay for ourselves!
I’m aghast that anyone would consider spag bol out of a jar as “Michelin style gourmet food”.

@BobbyBiscuits Didn't suggest Ragu out of a jar was Michelin star dining

A proper ragu is a very nice treat.