To not go to the funeral

[LoveFridaynight]

It's my mum's funeral on Thursday. I don't want to go. Together with my siblings we've done everything but I don't want to go.
I love my mum was incredibly close to her all through my life. but I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye. DH says it's up to me but he thinks I'll regret it if I don't go. My eldest is reading a poem so I would like to support her but at the same time my selfish side says stay home.
AIBU to want to skip it? Do you think I'll regret it if I don't go?

I think people need to remember that grief is individual. I hope the people posting that the OP should go don't try and pressure loved ones if they choose not to attend a funeral.

The OP may benefit from the funeral, or she may not. People stating she needs to go as fact are not being helpful.

OP doesn’t want to say goodbye to her DM. Whatever happens, her DM very sadly isn’t coming back and so the OP has no choice.

At some point, she will be out of her initial grief and may wish she had actually said goodbye.

I’ve never known anyone with a good relationship with their parents be grateful they didn’t go to the funeral.

And this is why our family don’t have funerals.

Do what suits you @LoveFridaynight .

A funeral is surely meant to help the grieving. If you don’t want to go, don’t. Have a moment to yourself to think of her in your own way if you choose

I've lost both parents and I've no idea where that inner strength came from on the day. It was just there

You know your own mind best.

Personally, I will not be going to another funeral again in my life.

Direct cremation is my choice no service, no type of anything.

Don’t let people sway your mindset honour your Mum how you want to that is what counts not what others think you should do.

Could you choose to view the funeral as just an event in the process, like registering the death, or choosing the flowers, and actually plan and pick another way of saying goodbye? That way this isn't the final goodbye. You could go to funeral (especially to support DD) and then say goodbye when you're ready?

I really would expect that you'll find comfort in being around your Mum's friends and acquaintances who'll be able to share their fond of her memories with you. It's not so much saying goodbye, but more of a 'last little bit of'. A bit more of your Mum you wouldn't get chance to have if you don't go.

Is there some support you can put in place that might make it easier for you to face going? eg a close friend you could confide in about how you feel, perhaps someone not so close to your mum but who would be happy to support you? I would do this for a friend if they asked me to.

Or anything else that might make it easier for you - something you take with you or something you plan for afterwards for example. I think it would be kind of you can make it to support your DD doing a reading.

There is no obligation on anyone to go to any funeral. It's your decision and your choice, OP, so do whatever you want.

But if she does go, and loathes every minute, she can't undo that either! It's nobody's decision/opinion, except the OPs.

I don’t think many (mentally healthy) people want to a funeral, and the nearer and more loved the deceased is the stronger the disinclination.

My mother’s funeral had my hawkish aunts critiquing my inappropriate, in their view, conduct. I didn’t cry. I was caring for my very vulnerable nephew and frail father, and was keeping it together for my teenage children.

Did I want to go? Hell no! Did I have a choice? It didn’t feel as though I did. I fell apart, v messily, in the evening, in a safe space.

Maybe lean on your husband, support your daughter. Allow yourself to show that this is very, very hard for you. I suspect your husband is correct about regrets.

And you may find comfort sharing memories and seeing the regard she was held in

All best whatever you decide. Tough times

I think you should go, t think you will regret it later down the line if you don’t go- your family & friends of your mum will help get you through the funeral.
The funeral is all part of the grieving process.
I hope she gets a nice send off. Sorry for your loss 🫂

Funerals are for the living.

If it won't help you to go, then absolutely don't.

Anyone that truly loves you, will want you to do what is best for you. These are going to be the last memories you have with your mum. So if it will comfort you to remember the day of the funeral then that is valid, but do is doing something privately at home to honour her.

I would rather be binned or turned into dog food, frankly, because I'll be dead so it won't matter one bit. The thought of anyone "paying respects" to me is both hilarious and completely unnecessary.

I think you should go.

I found the love and support from others who came to the funeral for my dad really lovely.

It wasn't as horrific as I thought. My siblings and I had a real moment of bonding.

It was terribly sad but also some laughs, alot of love and kindness.

In the kindest possible way, I do think you should go OP.

I really didn't want to go to my mum's funeral. I was dreading it and just wanted it over and done with. It felt all rather embarrassing and uncomfortable. I had a difficult relationship with her but there was no question of me not going.

And I'm so glad I did. It was beautiful. All the people I loved were there; lots of people I hadn't seen for years.

I heard stories about mum that I'd never heard before (lovely ones) and it made me think of her in a deeper, different way. I saw her as others saw her - a friend, sister, colleague and it gave me a sense of who she was rather than just 'my mum.'

I then spent the evening getting uproariously drunk with my dad which we both needed...

I'm sorry you lost your mum OP

Well they are not a joyous occasion, people are usually upset and crying for their loved ones
The Op did ask for opnion, s having just been to myvown mothers funeral a few days ago I found it very hard obviously but I'm glad I went and saw how much she was loved
When it's my time I want a direct cremation
But I know my mum would have been happy (if that's the right word,,) with the funeral she had.

Can you take something for your nerves just for one day? Definitely sit at the back so you can leave. No obligation to go to the wake, just thank people on their way out of the church.

If you can’t face it, don’t go and don’t feel guilty op, you just need to get through this the best way you can. I have never found closure at one. I find them so unbearable, so I understand op.

I think it's fine to do what you want to OP. You will know what's right for you, and if that is to not attend the funeral then I would go with that.

You can always visit the grave/scatter the ashes if you want to or choose to remember your mum in the way that is right for you

Slightly different, but my MIL didn't go to her daughter's funeral (DH's sister). She couldn't face it.

DH has never really come to terms with it as he feels she wasn't honouring her daughter/his sister, plus was being attention seeking.

Bloody hell 'attention seeking'? Her daughter died. She has every right to grieve how she wants.

Of course you aren’t BU wanting to skip it grief is hard and difficult and I am so sorry for your loss

that said I do think you will regret not trying

That is awful her daughter died and she could not face the funeral - I think your DH may need some counselling is that is what he thinks

I think you will regret not going, not being there to support your siblings, not saying a goodbye to your mum.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. I felt the same as you when my Dad died and I was really dreading the funeral. I felt like I needed to go to support other family members. I don’t think I had the same relief or closure as some others have said - although it wasn’t as horrendous as I feared. The whole thing mostly felt completely surreal to me. I’d probably do the same again - as in my circumstances other family members would have been really upset if I’d not gone - and that would have only added to all of our grief at a horrible time. Only you can judge whether on balance you feel like you need to go or not.