To not go to the funeral

[LoveFridaynight]

It's my mum's funeral on Thursday. I don't want to go. Together with my siblings we've done everything but I don't want to go.
I love my mum was incredibly close to her all through my life. but I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye. DH says it's up to me but he thinks I'll regret it if I don't go. My eldest is reading a poem so I would like to support her but at the same time my selfish side says stay home.
AIBU to want to skip it? Do you think I'll regret it if I don't go?

I didn’t want to go to dad’s funeral. I even wrote the eulogy and arranged for one of his friends to read it.

I went. I wished I’d read the eulogy because the friend messed it up a bit. But most of all it was lovely to see everyone and hear the immense love and respect for my dad. I actually really enjoyed the wake, if enjoy is the right term.

We had a cremation and the moment the coffin goes through the curtain is unpleasant; the finality of it. I knew it would be and I was worried about becoming a mess, but I was glad to be surrounded by family at that point.

It’s your choice ultimately. Could you miss the service and go to the wake as a halfway measure?

Break it up into small pieces. Just go to the church and you can decide at that point if you want to skip the service or stay. You can sit at the side so you can slip out if it's too much. You can go straight to lunch and skip the burial, or straight to the crematorium and skip the condolences after the ceremony. You can go for one tea after or skip the after but all together. When you're breastfeeding they say just look as far as the next feed, you don't have to decide if you want to keep going forever or quit forever but just the next feed.

Oh bless you @LoveFridaynight

I really do feel for you. I was absolutely dreading my mum's funeral. Still don't know how I managed to get through it. But I did and I'm glad I did. It had to be done.

It was a day I never wanted to arrive, something I didn't want to do and if it had been an option not to go, I'd have taken it. But I had to go. I'd have regretted it forever otherwise.

It ranks up there as one of the most difficult days I've ever had but there was a huge sense of relief afterwards (although there was a huge sense of nothingness too as funeral planning is a major distraction after the passing of a parent and once its over you are left in a kind of suspended animation for a bit!)

I feel its just one of those things you have to grit your teeth and push through but I empathise so much. It's very, very hard.

YANBU - it hurts so much, it will be the second hardest day of your life (the first being the day she died). But you must go OP. So sorry for your loss.

My mum had a requiem mass ( aa she was Catholic) and was cremated they were the hardest bits ,the after do was nice catching up with old friends and family lots of tears and laughter.

I felt like that about my Dad’s funeral. Turns out it was everything I needed at the time. It provided an enormous amount of peace and comfort

Sorry for your loss...but you really should go to the funeral.

If you don’t want to go then don’t go.

Often we only do things to appease other people but it’s ok to do what you want to do in this situation.

I think you will have regrets either way.

I guess if you do regret not going, how will you feel?
Are you the type to be kind to yourself or will it eat you up?

Some people say if you go, you can always leave.

As long as DD has her dad for support she will be ok, so just focus on what you want.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I don't think there is any 'should' or 'must' about it, I don't see it like that at all. But given what you have said about how close you are to your mum, I think that if you don't go, you will probably regret it.

@Livelaughlurgy gives very good advice about breaking it up into small chunks and deciding at the time exactly which parts you want to/are able to do.

I don't think anyone looks forward to their parents funeral, my mum died and I dreaded it, mil died and dreaded it and now my fil just died and I dread it but actually once you are there it's nice listening to the eulogy about their lives especially if there is funny stuff added in, it's lovely to see how many people turn up to show their respect and it feels like a huge weight off your shoulders once it's over.

I think it's even more important to go if your child is doing a reading to support them, it won't be easier for them either. It will be something you can't undo if you don't go.

I'm sorry for your loss ❤️

My mother died young-ish. It wasn’t unexpected but I think at the funeral I was just bewildered. It was so hard but I couldn’t have not gone. Do what’s right for you. X

You should go and support your DD if she is reading something. I think it would be pretty unforgiveable not to. Do you think sitting at home alone will be better for you?

Sorry for your loss. It’s incredibly hard but I think you should go. My dad’s funeral was a nice opportunity to meet people who knew him from all walks of life and a chance for me to tell people more about him. It really did help us all.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Mum three years ago. I was dreading the funeral. It was such a nice service and just reinforced how incredible my Mum was. It was heartbreaking but so was the day she died. It did give me a bit of peace/closure to start the everlasting grieving.
💐

My close friend is dying and has requested a direct cremation, I know I will find that hard not having that finality of a funeral. I will arrange something with our mutual friend to remember her by when the time comes (sadly any day)

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I found the service incredibly hard, but I know that it was harder for my lovely dad.
The wake afterwards was strangely therapeutic - seeing so many people who had loved my mum come together and share stories from different parts of her life is not something that I'll ever forget.

I didn’t go to my grandfather’s funeral and I’ve always regretted it. I think you might regret this too. I wouldn’t take the risk, you should go.

Please go OP. You'll regret it if you don't, and it's not something you can put "right" after the event. I'm not explaining it very well, but I honestly think it will be a massive regret if you don't go. Sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry for your loss
I've lost both my mum and my dad and yes, they're incredibly upsetting but I couldn't imagine not going and it was strangely comforting to see the people that had made an effort to come and say their goodbyes. I think you'd regret it if you didn't.
Just get pissed afterwards like we all did! (My mum and dad liked a drink!)

I get it, it feels too final, however.. Your mum would likely be devastated that you’re not part of her last goodbye and there to be comforted by everyone showing their last respects and love for her. A funeral feels final, however, it’s a momentous occasion of love and support, that’s why they’re so important culturally for most.

You will have everyone around you that day, rather than no one. It’s going to happen, think about when the day comes and what you will do if you don’t go, how you will feel etc.

You don’t have to conform to the norms; wear black, go to the actual ceremony (you could just go to the wake), go in the car with loved ones (make your own way there).

Grief does funny things to folk, but put yourself in the position; it’s Thursday and you don’t go, knowing everyone is there to show so much love to your lovely mum, you and your family and you missed it and all the support people are offering, how would you feel?

My sincere condolences

There is a reason that people across the world and throughout history have funerals. They help with closure and with celebrating the person who died. The ritual does help people move on. It's OK to be sad, to cry, to not want to ever have to do that day; everyone will understand. Avoiding the funeral would not make the loss easier. And, most importantly, your daughter needs you there to support her, and to model how to handle these things.
Thinking of you - what a big loss to bear. The people attending your mum's funeral are putting aside time to think of her. I hope that witnessing them doing this might help you too.

Go and leave early if it's too much.

I suspect you're more likely to regret what you didn't do. Going doesnt mean you can't control anything - you can choose when to arrive, to avoid others, when to leave etc.

To me a funeral does work as a way of processing grief and loss, though I'll admit I've never been overwhelmed with grief. When my mother died, she'd had dementia for years and I had adjusted to her loss, bit by bit, over the years, seeing her lose all her personality and understanding of who she was. The funeral was lovely in so far as it could be, and talking afterwards with many people who knew her was comforting.

But only you know what is right for you. 😪

Your feelings are not at all uncommon in my experience. When my mum died I felt like this and had sleepless nights in the build up to the funeral. I even secretly wished for a dose of covid so I could be excused. I loved her so much and was with her when she died but the thought of the funeral ceremony was too much to take. I did of course go and it did give me greater peace. I'm sorry for you loss. Xxx