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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 13 and 11 year old can be left alone for a short period?

85 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 01/03/2025 06:04

Was meant to be catching up with three friends for coffee this weekend. One of my friends has now messaged the group, saying she may be unable to attend, as her husband has unexpectedly been called into work this weekend, and she has no one to mind the kids.

For context, her kids are aged 13 (turning 14 next week) and 11. They are both sensible, well-behaved kids, with no disabilities or special needs which might result in their needing extra supervision or care. My friend and her family live in a quiet neighbourhood, and our city is very safe. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop a short distance from my friend's house, and she would have probably only been away for 90 minutes or so at most, during daylight hours.

I'm slightly put out, as it's taken us literally weeks to organise this catch-up (we all have busy lives). Between the four of us, we're not available to meet again until late April at the earliest.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything to my friend - her parenting dynamic is none of my business! But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period. AIBU?

OP posts:
BeethovenNinth · 01/03/2025 06:07

YANBU. Agree.

but my friends wildly differ here. One won’t leave her teen alone even whilst she walks the dog. I was criticised the other day for letting my sensitive ten year old pick up a friends six year old son and walk him home (mother of child was happy and has asked her to - it was other friends that criticised)

us kids of the eighties brought ourselves up!

Octavia64 · 01/03/2025 06:08

At 14 I was babysitting other kids.

When my kids were 14 I didn't go quite that far but they were certainly safe to be left.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/03/2025 06:08

Would have been normal when I was this age.

NewtonsCradle · 01/03/2025 06:10

I think she just doesn't want to go. But yes, at 11+ kids are usually pretty capable of being left for a couple of hours.

MinnieMountain · 01/03/2025 06:10

Agreed. But what’s wrong with “Never mind, shall we bring cake to your house instead?”

OMGInShock · 01/03/2025 06:20

But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period.
This. And this:
Never mind, shall we bring cake to your house instead?

FlipFlopsSpots · 01/03/2025 06:21

I know it sounds weird, but maybe she just wasn't thinking. When my plans change I sometimes come up with daft solutions because I get a bit thrown! Could you say something like 'oh that's a shame, we'd love to see you and were looking forward to it. Do you think the kids would be ok for an hour on their own if you came, but left a bit early?'

In my case, I never mind someone asking a question. And actually in my case I'd probably think 'of course they can, what was I thinking!!' and I'd not need to change my plans.

I do wonder though, if maybe she doesn't want to go and this is a convenient excuse. Sometimes if I don't want to do something and a nice little excuse pops up for me, I'm right on it! :)

BatsInSpring · 01/03/2025 06:27

Maybe she's asked the kids and they don't want to be left parentless that morning. Maybe they need to feel prioritised this weekend, maybe she's feeling guilty,.maybe one of the kids is going through something she doesn't want to discuss.
Generally, yes, I agree, they are old enough, but anything could be going on, your friend might not want to fully disclose her reasons.
For that I put YABU. Just be supportive.

TickingAlongNicely · 01/03/2025 06:28

I know quite a few of my Yr7 (11/22yo) DDs peers aren't left alone yet. I know one of Yr9,m who isn't allowed to walk home from school alone (but mother is relaxing a bit more with friends now).

At least one of the Yr7s I agree with... Nice kid, just a bit dopey.
If the 11yo is Primary age, its even more common.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 01/03/2025 06:31

I know people with siblings this age who absolutely hate each others guts.

They can't be left alone because they fight and argue constantly

Mumdiva99 · 01/03/2025 06:32

Or maybe the kids have commitments too which dad would have sorted but now he's not there she has to do.
Saturday in our house is football and music morning. My eldest is not self sufficient and take himself, but when he was 10 we lived further away and I had to take and collect from music. Football can be anywhere with anytime kick off....so we are finished anytime from 11 to 1.....

MrsMurphyIWish · 01/03/2025 06:45

My DC are 13 and 11. Before half term they both had an inset day so we left them alone. They would have been alone for around 8 hours. I’ve left DD alone for that time before but never with her being in charge of her (ASD) brother. She was to message me every hour to give me an update. They both survived 😂 I was very proud of them so I would say yes, at that age they can be left alone.

Ellie1015 · 01/03/2025 06:48

If my dh was called to work last minute then I would have drop offs and picks ups at their sports to do. Could it be something like that?

sunshineandshowers40 · 01/03/2025 06:53

I agree with you OP but it may be that the 11 and 13 year old aren't comfortable being left alone rather then your friend not wanting to leave them.

Cookingtea · 01/03/2025 07:11

Could they have activities to attend. I can’t go to something similar this morning as I am in sole care of my DC of similar age but I have to get them to an activity they do. Also we have a busy rest of day so I need to make sure they’ve had a good lunch etc. others have mentioned that they might not want the parent to leave them. I wouldn’t leave my DC if they didn’t want me too. I tend to leave mine alone more than together as they can wind each other up.

Ferrazzuoli · 01/03/2025 07:15

Personally I'd go ahead with the coffee date for the other three of you. I'm sure she won't be offended in the circumstances. If I was her I'd be telling you to carry on without me.

Bertielong3 · 01/03/2025 07:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

metellaestinatrio · 01/03/2025 07:18

On the face of it, YA absolutely NBU. I have recently started to leave my 9 year old alone for very short periods (15 mins while collecting a sibling) so I would imagine by almost 14 he would be fine for a couple of hours. As others have said, perhaps the dynamic between the siblings is such that she doesn’t feel able to leave them together?

TheaBrandt1 · 01/03/2025 07:18

Unless there are extenuating circumstances that’s really weird. From 11 they get themselves to secondary school!

The rest of you definitely meet up anyway with a breezy “would be great to see you Claire if you can slip away”. I would be pissed off if my plans trashed because someone was a neurotic helicopter parent.

Glittertwins · 01/03/2025 07:21

It's a couple of hours in the day time, she's being a bit strange. I agree with @TheaBrandt1 on this.

Yellowcircle90 · 01/03/2025 07:25

It’s a bit excessive but why aren’t you all just going to her house instead?

Princesspollyyy · 01/03/2025 07:26

Im not sure why some people are replying saying they left their similar aged kids alone and they were fine.... that's you and your family, every family is different.

I agree with a previous poster, that you don't know the reasoning behind it, could be anything and it's simply not your place to judge.

GravyBoatWars · 01/03/2025 07:27

YANBU to think most 11 and 13 year-olds would be fine to stay at home for 90 minutes if they didn't have places they need transport to/from.

But YABU to be put out about this. When kids are ready to be left home alone is not a one-sized-fits-all thing and there are too many potential variables you're not aware of (those sensible kids you know might be on a run of some out-of-character tween decisions, they may have places to be, one may not be comfortable staying home, they may be fine separately but fight when left alone together and big sibling gets bossy, or maybe your friend is just anxious about this and hasn't decided the time is right). And her not being able to make it doesn't mean you or the other two can't or shouldn't get together still, so it's not like this forces you to cancel.

At the end of the day this is just part of trying to plan things with multiple busy adults with families. I've found you'll see your friends far more if you stop waiting for the whole group's schedules to line up and just plan more frequent things that work for most in the group. If someone can't make it on one occasion then just try to make sure the next time works for their schedule.

lavenderlou · 01/03/2025 07:30

I would (and have) left my DC alone at that age but there seems to be a wild variance in what different parents permit. I think parents who wfh, for example, and are always there when their DC get home from school aren't used to leaving them.

If you're meeting at a coffee shop and she won't leave then could she bring them and sit them at a different table with phones or a book? My DC would be happy to sit there for an hour or so if there was hot chocolate and cake involved.

BreakfastClubBlues · 01/03/2025 07:31

It could be anything. Rather than being irritated I would just ask my friend, "Won't they be okay on their own for an hour or so?", and see what the response is.

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