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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 13 and 11 year old can be left alone for a short period?

85 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 01/03/2025 06:04

Was meant to be catching up with three friends for coffee this weekend. One of my friends has now messaged the group, saying she may be unable to attend, as her husband has unexpectedly been called into work this weekend, and she has no one to mind the kids.

For context, her kids are aged 13 (turning 14 next week) and 11. They are both sensible, well-behaved kids, with no disabilities or special needs which might result in their needing extra supervision or care. My friend and her family live in a quiet neighbourhood, and our city is very safe. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop a short distance from my friend's house, and she would have probably only been away for 90 minutes or so at most, during daylight hours.

I'm slightly put out, as it's taken us literally weeks to organise this catch-up (we all have busy lives). Between the four of us, we're not available to meet again until late April at the earliest.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything to my friend - her parenting dynamic is none of my business! But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 01/03/2025 07:31

Mine were coming home alone on the bus at 11, so I think she is daft saying they need to be minded. But all kids are different

TheaBrandt1 · 01/03/2025 07:42

Unless there were SEN it’s rather an indictment on your parenting that your teen and older child can’t be left unsupervised for 90 minutes in the day.

FindusMakesPancakes · 01/03/2025 08:02

Maybe the kids were meant to be doing something at that same time, that her husband was taking them to and now can't?

But in principle, I agree, kids those ages can be left.

richardosmanstrousers · 01/03/2025 08:04

I think it's fine for parents to make the call of if/when/why they leave their DC alone tbh. So what if the vast majority would leave theirs? It makes no difference to this woman's choice not to go out for coffee and leave her DC. I think it's fine to choose to be around for whatever reason and people don't need to be deciding what other parents should do.

Purpleturtle43 · 01/03/2025 08:21

PlaygroundSusie · 01/03/2025 06:04

Was meant to be catching up with three friends for coffee this weekend. One of my friends has now messaged the group, saying she may be unable to attend, as her husband has unexpectedly been called into work this weekend, and she has no one to mind the kids.

For context, her kids are aged 13 (turning 14 next week) and 11. They are both sensible, well-behaved kids, with no disabilities or special needs which might result in their needing extra supervision or care. My friend and her family live in a quiet neighbourhood, and our city is very safe. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop a short distance from my friend's house, and she would have probably only been away for 90 minutes or so at most, during daylight hours.

I'm slightly put out, as it's taken us literally weeks to organise this catch-up (we all have busy lives). Between the four of us, we're not available to meet again until late April at the earliest.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything to my friend - her parenting dynamic is none of my business! But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period. AIBU?

I have an 11 and 13 year old. I would leave the 11 year old for up to about 90 mins however he is absolutely fine with it and very trustworthy. I can understand why some 11 year olds wouldn't be able to be left alone. I also wouldn't leave 2 of them if they didn't get along well. It's annoying but obviously her decision as a parent.

rosegoldsequin · 01/03/2025 08:23

ColinOfficeTrolley · 01/03/2025 06:31

I know people with siblings this age who absolutely hate each others guts.

They can't be left alone because they fight and argue constantly

This - lots of siblings fight! They might be sensible when you’re around them but left alone could be very different!

PumpkinPie2016 · 01/03/2025 08:46

YANBU- at those ages, sensible kids should be fine for an hour or two.

As kids, me and my sister were alone for longer at those ages.

My son is 11 and in Y6 still- he is completely fine on his own for an hour or so (he likes it!). He has his phone so can contact us, a neighbour he can go to if needed (never been necessary) and knows not to open the door or use the oven.

Unless the kids need dropping off/picking up from somewhere, it seems odd.

RancidRuby · 01/03/2025 08:50

I have kids the same age. My eldest I would be happy to leave at home, and more importantly she would also be happy to be left (either on her own or with her younger sibling). My youngest I would also be happy to leave at home as he is sensible but he wouldn't necessarily want me to, even with his older sibling. Personally I'm more child led on these sort of situations, maybe her kids don't feel comfortable being left alone. I'm all for allowing my kids age appropriate levels of independence, but at their own individual pace. A lot of kids at these ages would be fine to be left at home alone for short periods of time, but not all.

ExplodingCarrots · 01/03/2025 08:51

I can leave my 11 year old DD on her own for a couple of hours quite happily. She's very sensible . We had to go out yesterday shopping for new bathroom stuff and she would have preferred to put pins her eyes than come along so we left her sat on her bed with her headphones on . When we returned 2 hours later she was in the exact same place with the cat . Some of her friends though it's a completely different story . Some are still picked up directly from school gate because they're scared to walk or parents don't want them to .

LegallyBlende · 01/03/2025 08:51

Can you not just go ahead without her, and meet up again in April with her?

Mine would normally be OK at that age but there still can be reasons. E.g. dc recently had a bad asthma flare up for a few days and I wouldn't have them then

Gogogo12345 · 01/03/2025 09:14

Yellowcircle90 · 01/03/2025 07:25

It’s a bit excessive but why aren’t you all just going to her house instead?

Maybe they do t want kids butting in their conversation

TSMWEL · 01/03/2025 09:31

I'd hazard a guess that there are clubs/sports that the kids need drop off and pick up from rather than her not wanting to leave them on their own.

RachelLikesTea · 01/03/2025 09:39

She has her reasons, whatever they are. She may feel that she won’t be able to relax and enjoy the get together properly worrying about her dc at home. She may not have left them home alone before.

I would just go ahead and meet with the others, anyway.

biscuitsandbooks · 01/03/2025 09:41

Of course they can be left.

I would just say "oh, that's a shame" and meet up without her 🤷‍♀️

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/03/2025 09:41

We are all different but if she’s just going to be down the road it sounds ok to me.

the 3 of you should all definitely still meet anyway.

OMGitsnotgood · 01/03/2025 09:43

At the end of the day, it's her decision as to whether to leave the children alone or not. But given that she lives near to where you were supposed to be meeting yet hasn't invited you to hers instead suggests there might be more to this than a childcare issue.

CorsicaDreaming · 01/03/2025 09:44

My brother's kids fought like cat and dog at that age, he wouldn't leave them alone without an umpire! They've grown out of it now.

Can't you just all go to her house instead and you offer to take some cakes etc?

ABigBarofChocolate · 01/03/2025 09:46

I leave my 14 & 11 year old to go shopping every week. We're away for a few hours. They're pretty sensible but my sister does live nearby if there are any issues.

CruCru · 01/03/2025 09:49

Meet the others without her. Whether or not she is happy to leave her children by themselves is her problem.

pinkroses79 · 01/03/2025 09:51

I would probably just ask her if they could stay at home on their own. I left mine alone every day for about that amount of time after school in Y7. Also had to leave youngest for 4.5 hours once a week at age 11 because of a weekend work shift. The beauty of phones meant that it wasn't much of a worry.

cestlavielife · 01/03/2025 09:54

"Bring them along with their ipads and headphones we ll set them up at nearby table"

honeylulu · 01/03/2025 09:57

Don't cancel, the three of you should go ahead.
Suggest that she could join you for a short time if the kids are ok with that.
Or that you can bring takeaway coffees back to hers if that would work.

All kids are different but generally they ought to be ok to be left by those ages, if no SEN or anxieties and if they won't wind each other up. But maybe it's her that's anxious. One of my son's friends got walked to school by his mum until he was about 13 and she wouldn't let him go out if it was raining.

Also if she WFH leaving them probably feels a bit alien. When my eldest went to secondary school it was pre covid and we worked in the office pretty much full time, so he had to get used to being on his own in the house for a couple of hours after school and then in the hols, though we managed to eke out our annual leave so he was 12 before he was being left for full days. I started leaving him for short spells from about age 9 (i.e. 15-20 mins while I nipped to the shop or walked the baby round the block to get her to sleep). But my nearly 11 year old is used to one of us WFH and less keen to be left, we've only just started leaving her for an hour or so. I admit I did feel more anxious about her as she has been a bit "babied".

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 01/03/2025 10:01

CruCru · 01/03/2025 09:49

Meet the others without her. Whether or not she is happy to leave her children by themselves is her problem.

Yeah, I wouldn't cancel.

Chillilounger · 01/03/2025 10:06

I don't understand why this means everyone else has to miss out. You are all adults. She has chosen not to come for whatever reason. That's up to her. Yes she's probably using the kids as an excuse because she's tired/ has something going on/ CBA but that's her prerogative. You are not her keeper. Just crack on and enjoy your catch up. Attendance isn't compulsory. I am sure she'll make the next one.

CasperGutman · 01/03/2025 10:07

YANBU. My kids are 12 and 9 and I leave them for 15-20 minutes while I pop to a local shop. The 12 year old is fine to walk 20 minutes to school, run a local errand or go into town on the bus with friends. I would hope that by the time the youngest is 11 I'll be happy to trust them alone for an hour or two.