To think a 13 and 11 year old can be left alone for a short period?

[PlaygroundSusie]

Was meant to be catching up with three friends for coffee this weekend. One of my friends has now messaged the group, saying she may be unable to attend, as her husband has unexpectedly been called into work this weekend, and she has no one to mind the kids.

For context, her kids are aged 13 (turning 14 next week) and 11. They are both sensible, well-behaved kids, with no disabilities or special needs which might result in their needing extra supervision or care. My friend and her family live in a quiet neighbourhood, and our city is very safe. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop a short distance from my friend's house, and she would have probably only been away for 90 minutes or so at most, during daylight hours.

I'm slightly put out, as it's taken us literally weeks to organise this catch-up (we all have busy lives). Between the four of us, we're not available to meet again until late April at the earliest.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything to my friend - her parenting dynamic is none of my business! But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period. AIBU?

My point is, at 11 & 14 neither should be "in charge" of the other.

They should be completely equal to each other. Each responsible for themselves.

If the 11yo is too young to be left alone they definitely shouldn't be left with the 14yo "in charge".
A 14yo sibling asking the 11yo to do ANYTHING will be seen by the 11yo as BOSSING.

Super odd that you cancelled if it was more than 2 people. No way to judge if she's being unreasonable with this info - some kids are ready to stay home, some aren't and there's no way of knowing the whole thing. My kids are 12/8 and have plenty of friends the same age and it's all over the place with all sorts of parenting decisions. My daughter (12) can be left alone during the day for a couple hours, but I always check before leaving her home with a friend as I'm not entirely sure if all her friends are allowed to do this yet. We haven't left the kids home together as they fight 'a lot' and I am not convinced they're both ready for this yet.

This is a very odd way to think and not at all safe. Why have babysitters at all in that case? If you left an adult in charge of your 11 y o would you expect that your 11 y o wouldn’t have to do what the adult asked?

How on earth otherwise do you expect your 14 yo to learn responsibility for others, and your 11 yo to learn how to do what others request, especially in an emergency? Do they do what you ask? Do they have issues with other forms of “authority” figure, eg at school? Not expecting an 11 y old to accept instructions or others’ authority is babying them.

Sounds more like your 11 y o is not yet able to behave sensibly without an adult supervising, if you can’t expect them to do what an older sibling in charge reasonably asks. As I said, that’s exactly the kind of situation where it wouldn’t be possible for a 14 y o to be left supervising an 11 y old - it isn’t a safe arrangement if the older child isn’t able to be left responsibly in charge in case of any emergency, because the younger one isn’t mature enough to do what they are told if needed.

That’s what supervision and being in charge is. If a fire starts or someone is injured, but the 11 y o can’t be trusted to follow basic instructions given by an older sibling left in charge, you shouldn’t be leaving them alone together. If your 11 y o can only be reliably trusted to follow yours or an adult’s instructions, then you shouldn’t be leaving him/her alone at all.

It's possible that either there are parent taxi requirements or the sibling dynamic doesn't work alone - ie either one could be left but together they'd be either egging each other on to be stupid or fighting...

Your missing my point.

The 11yo should know what to do in event of a fire, get the heck out of the building and phone 999 from outside, if they need to be told they shouldn't be left, esp not with a 14yo.

11 & 14 yo siblings are likely to have sibling rivalry and are likely to fight with each other. Putting one "in charge" of the other isn't going to be a good thing.

I'd actually think most 11yos would be fine to be home alone for a bit. The issue is always going to be the dynamics between them and the 14yo.

Wouldn't bother me with my kids for a few hours.

But I have a friend with a 14yo DD and 11yo DS and she cannot leave them alone as they fight like cat and dog and the last time she left them as she popped to the shop quickly her 14yo gave the 11yo a black eye.

So every family is different.

Once they get a phone at 11 then we start leaving them for an hour at a time (walking the dog, popping to the shops etc), always stay local though. But at 12, will leave for longer, and by 13 easily leave for the day whilst we go out somewhere. We are always home for dinner though. I’d say 15 for an evening though and 16 for overnight

Of course it's fine, sounds like an excuse because she doesn't want to go to me! I leave my almost 13 year old for an hour or so all the time while I go food shopping or to hairdressers.

I could leave my 14yr old, no issues.

But my 10.5yr old doesn't like being left for too long so I only do if I really need to. Usually I'll get a call from him asking when I'm coming home. I have started to leave him short periods like popping to the post office or Tesco, but we're still in the process of making him feel comfortable with it. 90mins to a coffee shop in town is probably a stretch.

It's actually worse to leave him and his brother together as they will just wind each other up. I'm hoping this changes in the next year or two.

My friend left her 14 and 10yr old for a night out at the theatre, in the city 45mins away! So all children are different.