To think a 13 and 11 year old can be left alone for a short period?

[PlaygroundSusie]

Was meant to be catching up with three friends for coffee this weekend. One of my friends has now messaged the group, saying she may be unable to attend, as her husband has unexpectedly been called into work this weekend, and she has no one to mind the kids.

For context, her kids are aged 13 (turning 14 next week) and 11. They are both sensible, well-behaved kids, with no disabilities or special needs which might result in their needing extra supervision or care. My friend and her family live in a quiet neighbourhood, and our city is very safe. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop a short distance from my friend's house, and she would have probably only been away for 90 minutes or so at most, during daylight hours.

I'm slightly put out, as it's taken us literally weeks to organise this catch-up (we all have busy lives). Between the four of us, we're not available to meet again until late April at the earliest.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything to my friend - her parenting dynamic is none of my business! But privately, I can't help but feel like her kids would most likely be ok, left alone at home for a short period. AIBU?

My 11yo stays at home for 2 hours after school with no issues. She knows she can contact us or grandparents. She’s been doing it since she started high school
only rules are that she locks herself in and doesn’t do any cooking
oh and feeds the cats…

They should be fine for a couple of hours, but if they haven't been left before then probably not.

Dd's are the same age. Dp works evenings (shifts on a rota basis) and I work three days a week, once or twice a week our shifts clash. Dd's let themselves in from school, we have a key safe and get on with some homework. Dd1 even switches the oven on sometimes, with a pre prepared meal. Once they have done homework they are allowed to go on devices, until I get in from work, they are at home by themselves for no more than two hours. We did have to build them up to this.

Dd1 likes staying at home alone anyway and often does during dd2's activity on a Saturday morning. Dd2 is less keen on being home alone as she likes company, however we try to at any opportunity for an hour or so to get her more comfortable with it, this isn't that often.

We have two rules for when they are home alone. Don't answer the phone and no headphones.

Of course kids that age are perfectly fine left alone for a couple of hours.

But there could be umpteen reasons why your friend has cancelled, ranging from "doesn't actually want to go, and/or is feeling a bit under the weather" to "there's something fairly serious going on at home that needs my attention more."

And everyone parents differently. I've got a friend who is very "helicopter-y" over her two DDs. One's well into secondary school, and the other is at the top end of primary, yet my friend seems to schedule every single waking minute with her girls. She lurches them from activity to activity, with not a single moment for them to go and slob in their rooms for a bit, or otherwise entertain themselves.

My children (13 and 11) would be mortified by this suggestion.

Thanks all. I actually did think about suggesting my friend bring her kids along to the coffee shop. But as lovely as they are, having a couple of adolescents there would've definitely inhibited our conversation.

Meeting at my friend's house instead isn't a bad idea - although it's extremely rare for us all to meet at someone's house without partners and kids included. Normally if it's 'just us ladies', we meet at a cafe instead. And the fact that my friend never suggested this as an option indicates she may not have been keen to host us, for whatever reason?

Also, her kids didn't have any activities scheduled that she needed to ferry them to - they just would have been at home.

At any rate, we've agreed to postpone, and try and meet up in a couple of months. (I do feel that the politer option would have been for my friend to say: "Why don't the rest of you go ahead and still meet tomorrow, and I'll see you all next time". But she didn't, so we're rescheduling!).

You don’t sound much like a group of friends.

This would get on my nerves and I'd probably let the friendship subtly go. I'd do what pp's says and say shall we all come to yours, or better still just go ahead and say oh well maybe you can make it next time, and thus deliberately let her know that you others aren't going to pander to her, her overprotectiveness of her dc.

I do feel that the politer option would have been for my friend to say: "Why don't the rest of you go ahead and still meet tomorrow, and I'll see you all next time". But she didn't, so we're rescheduling!).

This is so weird. You don't need her permission to go for coffee. The arrangement was made, if someone pulls out then they are simply not there but the plans continue.

Why are you all so wet that you needed her to tell you to go ahead?

Yeah, I don't understand that. Is she the glue in the group or something? Strange.

I'm another that absolutely doesn't understand why the whole thing was cancelled instead of just saying "ah we'll miss having you with us. Next time, though." Why was it on her to decide what the rest of you were going to do?

I understand rescheduling to accomodate one person if you could all just push the time a bit or reschedule for a few days later. But multiple months? That's not on unless there's some practical reason you can't get together without her.

The not meeting multiple months because of one person's crap excuse makes me think "you're all just not that into each other" for want of a better phrase.

You can think they would be fine and you are likely to be right, but you aren't their mum so your opinion is irrelevant.

It depends on the children. It may be one child left on their own for a couple of hours, would be perfectly fine. However, perhaps both left together on their own for a couple of hours, means there will be arguments. She may have visions of her phone ringing with each child calling to tell tales on the other! 11 and 13 years old, are the perfect ages to find each other irritating, pick fights and argue! Yes, in theory of course they can be left on their own but the fact the friend isn't keen, suggests she may know her children better, than the perception you have of them!!

Does it really matter? Just meet up with the other two as per arrangement. She's missing this meet but hopefully will make the next.

This - I’d think 14 and 11 would be fine, but maybe the 11 y o is difficult or boisterous or especially young for their age or liable not to do what the 14 y o says — in which case it might not be as safe as it sounds.

I was babysitting other people’s toddlers and small children at 14; but I was a very serious oldest child, and a bit overly mature for my age, if anything. However, my own siblings were liable to run off and not comply when I was babysitting them!

Personally, mine were fine to be left at home for 90 mins or so at that age. Everyone is different though. DD2 (now 14) has a friend whose parents are particularly strict about where she goes and who with.

In my friendship group though, if one friend can't make it, we usually still go out and catch up with them the next time. It is hard enough co-ordinating everyone without postponing every time life gets in the way.

I wouldn’t have rescheduled, personally. A shame she can’t attend but that’s the choice she’s made.

Why not just say oh that’s a shame Jane, see you next time.

I’d have left the 13 year old but I’m not sure of leaving them responsible for an 11 year old - depends on the dynamic. If the oldest was a bit older I’d be happier. But then I wouldn’t let an 11 year old walk to school on their own either so I’m prob in the minority.

You should have met up with the others / gone to her house instead

Er, I voted you as unreasonable not because your view is daft but because it seems you're missing the point: surely she just doesn't want to go, and so is coming up with a (not very good) excuse...?

That's exactly what I was thinking. Individually they might be fine but together without a referee.....maybe not!

Honestly, I'd just assume that she didn't want to meet for coffee in this scenario. The kids would be completely fine on their own for an hour or two. She was probably just looking for an excuse.

Liable not to do what the 14 yo says

The 14yo shouldn't need to ask the 11yo to do anything. 14yo bossing the 11yo is what would set of WW3 in my house.

At those ages they need to be responsible for themselves not the 14yo looking after or bossing the other around

Who said anything about “bossing”? The point is that if you leave an older child in charge, they are responsible for being in charge. That’s very different from “bossing around”. It’s their responsibility to manage the situation if, for example, something unexpected happens or something goes wrong: that’s what leaving a 14 y o in charge means. If there’s a fire or a problem or someone is hurt you need to rely on the fact that the younger child will do what the older child says. Otherwise, the older child might as well not be there at all.

If your younger child can’t manage that without fighting or arguing, or your older child can’t manage being responsible without “bossing”, then, I’m sorry, neither of them are old enough to be left alone together without your care.