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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with him if he stays?

88 replies

Byefeliciabyebye · 01/03/2025 05:22

I’m away with my partner in Dubai. It’s been grossly romantic and today is our last day.

i have kids and a full time job at home. He works remotely and has adult kids.

We were just both joking about how lovely it’d be to stay when he said “well I might stay another week”.

Obviously I cannot stay another week as I’m due back at work and to get the kids back from their dad.

I would be devastated if he did this. I can’t really articulate why but certainly in part because it shows our lives aren’t compatible.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 01/03/2025 05:31

You are at different life stages and that’s a reality. I think it would be a bit off if he stayed, because you went together and then you’d be going home alone.

But you can’t get away from the fact that you have a lot of responsibilities to tie you down and he doesn’t. I dated a single dad a couple of years ago, he has young kids and full custody, whereas mine are grown up (youngest 17). So I have a lot of time on my hands, he doesn’t.

It sounds like you get time away from your kids though (this guy didn’t so was hard to see him) so it might not be a problem. But hopefully you don’t resent him having holidays etc (when he’s not going to leave you to make your own way home) as he can, as his kids have grown up.

Original poster
Byefeliciabyebye · 01/03/2025 05:32

Zanatdy · 01/03/2025 05:31

You are at different life stages and that’s a reality. I think it would be a bit off if he stayed, because you went together and then you’d be going home alone.

But you can’t get away from the fact that you have a lot of responsibilities to tie you down and he doesn’t. I dated a single dad a couple of years ago, he has young kids and full custody, whereas mine are grown up (youngest 17). So I have a lot of time on my hands, he doesn’t.

It sounds like you get time away from your kids though (this guy didn’t so was hard to see him) so it might not be a problem. But hopefully you don’t resent him having holidays etc (when he’s not going to leave you to make your own way home) as he can, as his kids have grown up.

I definitely don’t resent it and strangely I end up with more free time than him due to the nature of his business, so we do travel separately. I wouldn’t leave him to travel home alone at the last minute on a joint holiday though! Imagine how shit that flight home would be for the person who had to leave!

Different if you’d planned it that way in advance of course.

OP posts:
MumsGoneToIceland · 01/03/2025 05:41

I wouldn’t say incompatible, just different. You’re at a different stage of your life with kids which will change over time. The remote working vs not obviously may not change. I do agree though that there is a difference between it being planned in advance and just leaving you to go home alone unexpected but could be worked out through a conversation hopefully sharing how you’d feel about it without a need to break up. Assume you dont live together?

Icanttakethisanymore · 01/03/2025 05:47

I dunno - this sounds a bit odd to me tbh. Did you feel like your lives were unacceptably incompatible before his comment? Are you sure you’re just not jealous that he is able to do things that are unavailable to you?

Adamante · 01/03/2025 05:53

I think you may get many posts telling you UABU, but I don’t think you are, but it’s hard to articulate why. I think I would find it quite hurtful that we’d had such a wonderful time together but he didn’t want to finish it together - returning to the UK and having post holiday blues, but at least together.

Mothership4two · 01/03/2025 06:06

Personally wouldn't have a problem with it.

You might not like it, but it seems quite the overreaction to break up over it - maybe you aren't as commited to him as you thought?

pennykate · 01/03/2025 06:10

Byefeliciabyebye · 01/03/2025 05:32

I definitely don’t resent it and strangely I end up with more free time than him due to the nature of his business, so we do travel separately. I wouldn’t leave him to travel home alone at the last minute on a joint holiday though! Imagine how shit that flight home would be for the person who had to leave!

Different if you’d planned it that way in advance of course.

Edited
Show quote history

It's a direct flight and not even a particularly long one. What's the big deal?

AgentJohnson · 01/03/2025 06:12

I would be devastated if he did this. I can’t really articulate why but certainly in part because it shows our lives aren’t compatible.

So you’d be ok with him flying back and several hours later getting on another flight straight back? As already posted up thread, your situations are different and his allows him to be spontaneous and yours doesn’t. If your expectation is that he has to forgo opportunities just to placate you because you can’t, then yes, your lives aren’t compatible.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 01/03/2025 06:16

I get it OP.

It would be a sign of you not really being a couple.

It would feel off to me too.

Penguinmouse · 01/03/2025 06:22

Really don’t get your issue - you’ve already said you travel separately, the flight home is not long, presumably he would pay for himself. You just sound jealous tbh that he can have an extra week of holiday. Fine if you want to tank a relationship over it but seems a really petty reason.

Your children are not his responsibility at this time but that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

Ilovelurchers · 01/03/2025 06:26

I'm really surprised you are getting so much support and understanding here.

Your partner has the opportunity to spend an enjoyable and relaxing week. Him doing so won't effect you at all apart from you having to travel back alone (which one assumes as a grown woman you are capable of?)

Yet you will leave him, because you aren't able to have the same experience?

I've rarely heard anything so selfish to be honest. Really struggling to see why others find this attitude so acceptable.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2025 06:35

The freedom to extend a holiday is a luxury few people have and I’d be annoyed if someone I’d gone on holiday with did that. I’d be envious of their freedom and resentful it had been rubbed in my face. But I doubt I’d say anything because envy and resentment aren’t good looks.

I’m trying to think of another situation where I wouldn’t want someone to enjoy something just because I couldn’t and I can’t. So, although your feelings are understandable I think it would be unreasonable to make some kind of stand about him extending his holiday.

LBFseBrom · 01/03/2025 06:51

If he can afford another week, why not? He doesn't have your commitments at home. It sounds OK to me, you are not joined at the hip and doesn't mean you are incompatible.

You've had a good time, you can't stay any longer, fact, he can.

Creu · 01/03/2025 06:58

I think it depends on the relationship you have and the people you are.

If my partner did that it would be completely out of character and I would feel uncomfortable by the sudden personality shift and change in our relationship more than anything.

Is youe partner is quite spontaneous/a free spirit who appreciates travelling alone?

Rafting2022 · 01/03/2025 07:05

Be careful he’s not the one breaking up with you depending on how you choose to react if he does stay on an extra week.

Wobblemonster · 01/03/2025 07:06

Breaking up with him if he stays seems extreme. Why does it bother you so much? Are you envious of his freedom?

GravyBoatWars · 01/03/2025 07:08

This wouldn't have bothered me while DH and I were dating and it wouldn't bother me now, but then I find that the romantic part of trips pretty much ends on arrival at the airport. And while I love traveling with DH I can absolutely see myself wanting to take advantage of a gap in my schedule and already being there to have a week away by myself, and I wouldn't appreciate a partner who begruged me that only because they couldn't join.

You say your lives aren't compatible, but how? Is he often not available for you or difficult about fitting into your less flexible schedule? Do you worry about him not wanting to re-start family life with you and your DC?

TemporaryPosition · 01/03/2025 07:14

Curious what grossly romantic means..

Forthelovagod · 01/03/2025 07:18

Id be miffed about it too. Travelling home alone after all the romamce would leave me cold.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 01/03/2025 07:20

Devastated??!!!!!!
Hyperbole for breakfast.
Devastated is for death, serious unplanned events, the destruction of your life and that os all you know due to war, Act of God or a mistake you've made that impacts badly on others.
Your DP spending an extra week in Dubai after a 'grossly romantic' (whayever that means) time together is just , meh

Never2many · 01/03/2025 07:25

Did he mean it? It’s the kind of thing I might say, having had a lovely holiday “yeah, think I’ll stay here a bit longer.”

Either way your reaction is OTT. It’s perfectly understandable that you ought be a bit miffed about it, but to actually break up with him or to threaten to is quite manipulative. Also, if you’re going to break up with him over something like this you clearly weren’t very committed to him in the first place and should probably end the relationship anyway.

LucyMonth · 01/03/2025 07:26

Reverse this…

”I have the opportunity to stay in Dubai for an extra week but my partner says he’ll break up with me if I stay”.

People would say controlling, manipulative, selfish.

I think it’s fine to (internally) pout and feel jealous, but that’s it.

pictoosh · 01/03/2025 07:27

Ilovelurchers · 01/03/2025 06:26

I'm really surprised you are getting so much support and understanding here.

Your partner has the opportunity to spend an enjoyable and relaxing week. Him doing so won't effect you at all apart from you having to travel back alone (which one assumes as a grown woman you are capable of?)

Yet you will leave him, because you aren't able to have the same experience?

I've rarely heard anything so selfish to be honest. Really struggling to see why others find this attitude so acceptable.

Think I agree with this.

Sounds quite oppressive on your part OP.

ArmyBarbie · 01/03/2025 07:28

Ilovelurchers · 01/03/2025 06:26

I'm really surprised you are getting so much support and understanding here.

Your partner has the opportunity to spend an enjoyable and relaxing week. Him doing so won't effect you at all apart from you having to travel back alone (which one assumes as a grown woman you are capable of?)

Yet you will leave him, because you aren't able to have the same experience?

I've rarely heard anything so selfish to be honest. Really struggling to see why others find this attitude so acceptable.

This

pictoosh · 01/03/2025 07:29

I agree with @LucyMonth as well.

I can imagine feeling jealous...but not strongly enough to put my foot down and make a scene about it.
How selfy.