To think nurseries seem depressing? Please help me narrow down

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Posting for traffic and help regarding nurseries.

I’ve viewed 8 now and I don’t feel comfortable really leaving my child in any of them. They all seem a bit depressing! However, given I want my child to interact with other children I’ll overlook my concerns as this is my priority. I will also need it likely only 2-3 days a week.

This first nursery has a lot going for it. It has an "Outstanding" Ofsted rating and is owned by an ex-headteacher. It celebrates different cultural events, which is important to me, with events like Chinese New Year and Ramadan. They also have parent Saturdays and family days, which is a nice touch. I haven't seen this level of inclusivity at other nurseries and my child being mixed race in an overwhelming white area, these inclusions even if only on a small level, are somewhat important to me. They seem to offer a tailored childcare approach with twice-daily outdoor time and onsite cook and encourage light risk play which I think is important.

However, I do have a couple of concerns. Firstly, there's no dedicated sleep area, and I saw a child sleeping on their front. This worries me a bit, although the child did seem older (over 1 years old), unlike another nursery I viewed which had a supervised child at 8 months on their front which immediately put me off (I don’t know if I’m being silly!) Secondly, the nursery felt a bit cold and clinical.

The second nursery has a "Good" Ofsted rating. The children seemed happy and there was a generally good vibe. However, there was a smell at the entrance, mold in the baby room, a staff member I wasn't sure about (he appeared quite dopey and all of the staff seemed very young and inexperienced), and an overflowing skip outside. The Ofsted report also mentioned they need to improve consistency of support and encourage independence.

The third nursery has a bright and airy environment, focuses on learning, and has an onsite cook. It seems like there would be lots of interaction for older children and it did seem lively for older children. It had the most inviting and clean atmosphere and the staff seemed switched on and mature. However, there's a long waitlist which is also a good sign I guess - my child would be 1.5 years old before being able to go which is longer than I hoped, and the location is slightly more inconvenient. They haven’t had an Ofsted visit since 2019.

Which nursery would you choose and why?

Have you had any experiences with nurseries like these that you can share?

Any advice appreciated.

Your child doesn't need to attend a nursery in order to socialise with other children. How old is s/he?

Looked at nurseries for DC1 and was similarly not happy with any of them. Lucky to have been recommended a fab childminder (saw some shit ones too).
Birth to to three development is all about security/safety and self/other relationships and attentive caregivers that can scaffold ... It's not about diversity or fine motor skills (well a bit towards the end)...A positive developing sense of security which comes from having your needs met and an adult care giver who is available and attuned is soon imp.
Honestly check out some childminders...

Because OP said it’s (celebrating cultures) important to her. She mentioned she’s of mixed heritage. Some of us want children exposed to “culture” others don’t care about it. Same way some prefer forest schools and some would rather have their kids inside for half the time. Whilst some want their kids to learn their alphabet by age 2 and most of us know that they will pick it up eventually.

Anyway. We’ve just put our in nursery. I went through this with my daughter 10 years ago and I remember visiting a few nurseries. There were some that felt stale and the staff were a little off. I think what’s important for me is

• how they update you on their day - my dds nursery gave us slips at the end of everyday with a comment on what she got up to and her nappy changes etc. you can tell that they were thoughtful and we kept a few of those slips in a memory box which we open up and read a decade later! My younger one who is one - his nursery does it all digitally via an app and they send pictures, observations, books, songs etc they are signing, what he had and how much etc - they also encourage us to send small updates.
• The look of the place and activities they are exposed to. All they want to do is play and explore at that age anyways. They shared stories about other children and showed me the different play stations and how they use play. Baby has had a few outfit changes from water activities and painting.
• Values - ours is non religious but they do teach manners, no hitting, no biting.

When they then start nursery, you can observe how your child reacts. For me it’s so hard when they are non verbal. I’m doing 3 days a week and that feels long! But I have to work and we don’t have much choice sadly.

Diversity is important if you are a “minority” - you don’t want to be the only person that looks like you. I say this as a mum that had to answer surprisingly deep questions from my 3 year old about identity.

Apparently fine motor skills are on the decline anyway … im sure they pick it up but there is no harm in letting a baby explore.

Our child absolutely did need to do this. We had no friends or relatives within 40 miles with a child of similar age, and DC was not interested in interacting with anyone except me or DH when we took them to playgroups or soft play. It's just their personality. DH and I are both very happy in our own individual company too, so it wasn't surprising, but also not ideal. So when they were 2 we enrolled them in a nursery with very small groups, a gentle homely atmosphere and a lovely garden. But for just 2 days a week, and they loved it. They are in Y2 at primary now, and still remember the lovely lady who ran their room at nursery.

The logic isn't quite here with this.

If your child wasn't interested in other children yet (quite normal at 2), they wouldn't have played with other children at nursery either ergo absolutely no need to be there.

As they got older and aged into social playing (usually closer to age three) they'd have started to play with other kids at playgroup/softplay just as they did at nursery.

It's just normal development (mixed with, as you rightly say, their natural character).

Sounds like a lovely nursery and that they had a wonderful time (but the claim they 'needed' it for social development is erroneous).

Rather judgmental, aren't you? My brother and I had a massive falling out on this very issue when he said, pompously, 'No child of mine is going to be a nursery child.' Mine was a nursery child, as was the child of his sister-in-law. His were at home, because his wife gave up her career so he could have his. There are now four young adult cousins, all thriving. Parents make choices depending on their preferences and circumstances, as they have every right to do. Some of us choose nursery.

Yes. At soft play, with parents present, they preferred to play with parents or alone, and had no interest in playing with strangers, just because those strangers were also children.
At nursery, in regular proximity to the same other five children in their group, shared activities organised by the staff, and no option of choosing to play with a parent instead, they gradually got to feel comfortable with the other children and start to play with them.
Now aged six, they still don't play with other children at soft play, and for their birthday treat asked to go to one where they bounce around happily on their own for a whole two hour session. So your assertion that they would have started to interact with other children at soft play by age three is way off.
Maybe give people credit for knowing their own individual children's needs?

8 month olds can roll. Really don't see an issue.

It's only only nurseries that sell the idea that babies need to be socialised. Babies do better with 1-2-1 care. I would look into childminder options more carefully if you are not comfortable with nursery options.

Some nurseries are very depressing and it probably depends on the child’s age too. Over 2 and able to let themselves known - probably an easier decision as you know they can speak up. Also you’d want one with free flow inside /outside rather than two set times to be out in a day.
as a PP mentioned, school nurseries tend to be “better” as have more / higher qualified staff but then the drawback of that is that they’re not open all year round and have school holidays.
I’d go with your gut instinct on it really and if you’ve not seen one you’re comfortable with then keep looking.

I promise your child would have developed the social skills to play with other kids regardless of whether they went to nursery or not.

As someone who has worked in a nursery, kids like yours, in the absence of a parent, gravitate towards playing with the staff or play alone. As they grow and develop some level of social play with other kids sets in. For some this is loads, for others like your DD, they'll always be kids who like their own company. But nursery doesn't teach them this or cause this, they'd have got there in time anyway. No child is socially stunted because they didn't attend nursery as a baby or toddler.

The one exception of course is children who, for whatever reason, are not leaving their house other than to attend nursery - for these children it is a lifeline (usually in more ways than just socially).

Older babies are capable of moving into whatever position they are most comfortable for napping. So long as the baby is old enough to be mobile then that’s probably why they were tummy sleeping.

The most benefit to children interacting with other children is from three. This is when they start social play. Personally I wouldn’t send a child under three if I had a choice. They do settle and do well in the right nursery but they usually do better at home and having every days experiences with mum until then. Don’t feel you have to send a baby into a nursery to socialise just because lots of people now have to send babies in for work.

Yes, I don't particularly care what other parents do tbh - but for me I'd never use a nursery. All the research shows that kids under 2 need a consistent 1-2-1 caregiver, not a rotation of carers that they get in a nursery. As a child, I know what I'd prefer too - nanny or childminder - so that's what I base my choice on.

But I don't care what other people do with their kids, so no judgement from me, do what you want

One of the most sensible posts I’ve read in my many years of mumsnet on this debate (which seems ago pop up weekly)! Bravo.

Looked round our local nursery and decided to be a Sahm.

DT’s nursery was 1:2 for the babies - same as they would get at home. As twins (or anyone with a sibling), they wouldn’t get 1:2:1. Same key workers all the time.

I wish I could do this as I’m not happy with any option but it just doesn’t seem financially safe to do this given the ever rising cost of living :-(

How many nurseries did you visit - we went to about 10 when I was newly pregnant and got our names on the waiting list asap as the one we wanted was very popular.

One. You do you but I wasn’t for me.

@Parker231 im so glad your nursery was just so so perfect but it isn’t for everyone. And that’s up to an individual.

This.

Totally up to an individual but nurseries aren’t bad or a negative experience. There is zero wrong in using a nursery (or nanny/childminder) for your DC’s.

If I hadn’t been a sahm for pre school years from what I observed a good nanny or childminder is optimal. Some of the nannys I met were awesome.

Really surprised to read this thread! My 15 month old seems to love nursery, is really excited to see his key worker every day (and also excited to see me at the end of the day so I don’t think it’s just that he wants to get away from me).

The staff also tell me he has a lovely time with other kids but I guess I can’t really know that. I have observed him with his cousins and friends kids though and he seems to laugh a lot so I think he gets something out of socialising.