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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No RSVP = No Food

429 replies

itsmeits · 26/02/2025 20:44

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

OP posts:
sugarrosepetal · 27/02/2025 11:01

This can't be solved now but next time, don't put the party details on the invites, only pass on the details to those who have rsvp to the time, date and rough indication of locality. That way stragglers can't just turn up.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 27/02/2025 11:03

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 26/02/2025 21:29

Yes, they should reply, and yes they should only attend if they said yes, but here's my catering tips for dealing with annoying guests:

  • provide food for 1.5x the number of RSVPs
  • order about 50% fresh and 50% sealed/reusable food types (e.g. fruit and cheese Vs packets of crackers)
  • if you can, order food that's part of your main/lunchbox diet anyway
  • keep back about 50-75% of the sealed stuff and 25% of the fresh stuff to top up as needed

This approach means you can feed everyone if needed, and not lose out if not.

I hate waste and I can't change other's bad manners, so this is how I do it.

I can't believe you listed all that and then finished with "I hate waste" 😂 If no one extra shows up and you've got one or two no shows that's an excessive amount you've bought for no reason. 50%! Your poor family must be eating that for every meal for days after.

Wexone · 27/02/2025 11:06

Member869894 · 26/02/2025 22:04

Poor kids. I think that was reallymean of you

Not of the OP its mean of the parents - Don't blame the Op for the fault of the kids parents bad parenting

CarrieOnComplaining · 27/02/2025 11:42

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 26/02/2025 21:29

Yes, they should reply, and yes they should only attend if they said yes, but here's my catering tips for dealing with annoying guests:

  • provide food for 1.5x the number of RSVPs
  • order about 50% fresh and 50% sealed/reusable food types (e.g. fruit and cheese Vs packets of crackers)
  • if you can, order food that's part of your main/lunchbox diet anyway
  • keep back about 50-75% of the sealed stuff and 25% of the fresh stuff to top up as needed

This approach means you can feed everyone if needed, and not lose out if not.

I hate waste and I can't change other's bad manners, so this is how I do it.

Top strategy!

mrschocolatte · 27/02/2025 12:02

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 09:39

The disingenuousness I’m referring to is the ‘How could I possibly make up spare food boxes without knowing whether those children had allergies, were gluten-intolerant, vegetarian, halal etc?’

Show quote history

I would agree with you if this actually happened. But it didn’t. The OP was very clear and there was no ambiguity. No rsvp = no food.

Dancingatthepinkponyclub · 27/02/2025 12:06

They should have replied but I’d have made a few spare boxes… vegetarian just to be sure. If they happen to be gluten free well that isn’t your fault! Or maybe may then veggie and gluten free?!

AllGonePeteTonged · 27/02/2025 12:08

If you do another one then just take a bag of fruit with you.

If parents don't respond then that's their problem, but you will have given the children something to eat.

If it's not needed on the day it won't go to waste as you can eat it when you get home!

RobinEllacotStrike · 27/02/2025 12:14

Biscuitsnotcookies · 27/02/2025 08:29

They were warned repeatedly.

Show quote history

the parents were warned repeatedly yes. The children weren't responsible though.

The OP chose to host children who she did not have food for. She really could have very easily made up a couple of extra boxes with a sandwich, crisps, drink etc. for these kids. Instead they went hungry while all their friends had food.

Its mean, stingy, unthoughful behaviour towards these children & was completely unnecessary.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/02/2025 12:32

RobinEllacotStrike · 27/02/2025 12:14

the parents were warned repeatedly yes. The children weren't responsible though.

The OP chose to host children who she did not have food for. She really could have very easily made up a couple of extra boxes with a sandwich, crisps, drink etc. for these kids. Instead they went hungry while all their friends had food.

Its mean, stingy, unthoughful behaviour towards these children & was completely unnecessary.

Show quote history

The parents dumped these children on OP without even showing their face and saying hi. OP didn't have much of a choice.

OP isn't the one who is mean and unthoughtful towards the children, it's their own parents.

Having a bit of a late lunch isn't exactly starvation anyway.

Yerblues · 27/02/2025 13:09

It is the kids who suffer though. They can't help having thoughtless parents. I would have definitely done a couple of extra boxes.

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 27/02/2025 13:34

The OP chose to host children who she did not have food for.

No, she offered to host children, but her offer wasn't accepted. The offer was clearly conditional until the RSVP deadline that was clearly stayed at the same time.

Say you applied for a job and they offered it to you - to start in a month's time - asking you to confirm to them if you want to accept it by the end of the week... would you expect to go completely silent and not communicate with them at all - ignoring any of their attempts to follow it up with you - then turn up in a month's time expecting to join the new starters... then be surprised and angry at them if you found that they'd filled their vacancies and there was no longer a job for you?

Yes, it's sad for the children; but once their parents get a reputation for never replying but turning up anyway, the problem will be 'solved' by those children just not being invited to parties anymore. Parents can make endless poor and selfish choices that mean their children miss out; and tragic though it is, it really isn't the fault of another random child's parent at all.

Pancakeflipper · 27/02/2025 13:41

Yerblues · 27/02/2025 13:09

It is the kids who suffer though. They can't help having thoughtless parents. I would have definitely done a couple of extra boxes.

And that teaches children and parents that it's OK to not respond to invites and do as you want. The OP has drawn a firm line to say it's not ok, their party, their rules.

It's not fair on the children, it's not fair on the host. It's not the most arduous thing to achieve to say yes or no to an invite.

It is polite and it obviously is something that needs to be taught (having read responses on this thread).

The OP did not damage any children, they may have been a tad hungry, they got to play and particpate and they got a cupcake.

Skandar · 27/02/2025 13:46

Flossflower · 27/02/2025 06:22

We recently had an invite to an adult birthday lunch in May. The invites asked for yes or no answers a week after the invite as they had to confirm numbers. Fair enough. Why don’t people do this for children’s birthdays then you could just chase up the ones who haven’t replied.

That's exactly what 'RSVP' means though - say yes or no to confirm numbers?! And OP did then chase up the ones who hadn't replied, still got no reply, and then they showed up anyway.

RobinEllacotStrike · 27/02/2025 14:07

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/02/2025 12:32

The parents dumped these children on OP without even showing their face and saying hi. OP didn't have much of a choice.

OP isn't the one who is mean and unthoughtful towards the children, it's their own parents.

Having a bit of a late lunch isn't exactly starvation anyway.

Show quote history

I could never host children at a childrens party and not feed them.

You are happy to do so.

Big difference between us.

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 27/02/2025 14:19

RobinEllacotStrike · 27/02/2025 14:07

I could never host children at a childrens party and not feed them.

You are happy to do so.

Big difference between us.

Show quote history

But how is it hosting if somebody randomly turns up?

Who has assigned you the role of hosting when you offered conditionally but your offer was not accepted and has now expired?

The concept of hosting is that it's a choice you make; not just something that random people assign to you with no notice, and you're simply not allowed any say in it.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:26

Drkarev · 26/02/2025 21:32

They’re children and they’ve been singled out compared to the other children and must have felt so unwelcome. I think this is awful behaviour and I felt so sad for those kids reading this, it’s not their fault it’s the parents. Shame on you to make a child feel like shit to prove a point.

Shame on their lazy, entitled parents. Perhaps they will respond promptly now that they have experienced consequences.

OP did nothing wrong.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:28

Member869894 · 26/02/2025 22:04

Poor kids. I think that was reallymean of you

Mean!!?

Did you read the first post detailing the follow-up effort she put in???

Hosts are allowed to set boundaries.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/02/2025 14:29

RobinEllacotStrike · 27/02/2025 14:07

I could never host children at a childrens party and not feed them.

You are happy to do so.

Big difference between us.

Show quote history

She didn’t host them, she had them dumped on her without any RSPV or any communication at all.

cheseandme · 27/02/2025 14:35

Yerblues · 27/02/2025 13:09

It is the kids who suffer though. They can't help having thoughtless parents. I would have definitely done a couple of extra boxes.

Well maybe in future the parents will have the manners to reply on time .

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:46

The kids aren't "suffering."

People who don't experience consequences will never change their ways.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2025 15:11

Yerblues · 27/02/2025 13:09

It is the kids who suffer though. They can't help having thoughtless parents. I would have definitely done a couple of extra boxes.

What suffering?

They still went to a party and had a cupcake!

<wonders if they brought a present>

Original poster
itsmeits · 27/02/2025 15:22

@Nanny0gg nope no present, or card, just an attempted mouthful from the mother when she collected late 😳

OP posts:
ChristmasPudd1990 · 27/02/2025 15:37

itsmeits · 27/02/2025 15:22

@Nanny0gg nope no present, or card, just an attempted mouthful from the mother when she collected late 😳

The cheek of her. What did she do?

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2025 15:39

itsmeits · 27/02/2025 15:22

@Nanny0gg nope no present, or card, just an attempted mouthful from the mother when she collected late 😳

Surprised not surprised

What did you say to her when she tried the mouthful?

OneEdgyScroller · 27/02/2025 15:40

Bravo, OP. So tired of the rude and entitled behavior of adults being rewarded with multiple concessions. And lets stop the pearl clutching. The food at parties are for the adults to feel like they have been good hosts, The kids just want to play with their friends. OP gave the parents multiple opportunities to RSVP, and they ignored them and showed up anyway, unannounced, and unexpected. These lazy parent should be glad OP kept an eye on their kids at all. If a parent just randomly dropped their kids off at a play place, unmonitored, and went shopping for a few hours, would you be OK with that? Because that is basically what these parents did. The kids didnt go to bed hungry for Gods sake. The rude parents took their kids home and fed them, as they would on ANY OTHER DAY.