No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

OP, I would personally have made up a few extra “standard” food boxes in this situation just in case, just because I’d hate to see kids feeling excluded through no fault of their own.

I’ve been through some very stressful times when my child was young amid domestic abuse and divorce and the aftermath and severe work stress etc. When I’ve been super disorganised because of everything going on and poor mental health (I have bipolar disorder). Plus my child has ADHD and would forget to tell me about people chasing him up at school with a crumpled invitation somewhere in the schoolbag he forgot to give me that I found last minute. And so I have sometimes been the annoying parent that hasn’t RSVPed until the last minute though not sure we ever just turned up at a party without RSVPing at all (partly as in my culture an RSVP is a “nice to have” not a “absolutely necessary” thing, though that more applies to big parties in a hall not a paid for activity where I would RSVP or not go).

Having said that, you did make it super clear on the invitations that food being provided depended on the RSVP. So I don’t think it was necessarily unreasonable of you, but more I personally would have done it differently. I do remember arriving at at least one party where food hadn’t been ordered for my child because of my being last minute with RSVPing. In those situations I ordered and paid for food at the venue myself so my child wouldn’t miss out through my disorganisation (luckily it was usually being provided by the venue not brought from home by the mum but if it was I would have nipped out and got something myself). I totally understood in those situations this was 100 percent on me and wouldn’t blame the mum at all for it. I can’t believe someone wanted to moan at you about it. And I wouldn’t never show up late for collection in addition to being last minute guests. And no way would I send my child without a card and present. That is actually in my mind much more unreasonable than not providing food for a guest that hasn’t RSVPed.

Which is the fault of the parent who dropped the child off knowing there wouldn't be food for them.

OP was kind. They were still able to play and she gave them cupcakes at the end. That was more than enough.

OP doesn't have to 'be kind' to the extent it means enabling the behaviour of parents like that.

I'm sure they'd had breakfast so they weren't going to die

And I hope they made sure to moan about how their parents hadn't bothered to sort it out

It's about time people remembered their manners

It was enough of an issue for the kid to mention it to the mum when they got home.

But we don't know how that followed: did the kids weep in anguish because they didn't get any food, or did their parents ask them afterwards what food they'd had and they nonchalantly replied that there hadn't been any given to them?

Poor form to be so disorganised at a party that you have no idea you have extra children in the room. You realise you'd be held responsible for that if something happened, not the parent who didn't RSVP?

Poor form? You do realise that the OP was probably doing a hundred things at the party — checking food, setting out drinks, managing presents and behaviour and expectations and demands and god knows what else? And what about the parents who didn’t RSVP? Was that not poor form?

Also, I’m not sure the OP would have been responsible — particularly as neither the parents or children had made her aware of their presence. Would she have been responsible if a completely random child had joined?

OP isn't the disorganised one here. Parents need to take responsibility for not only failing to RSVP but dumping their children knowing that no food would be provided and without even letting OP know and then turning up late once the party was over.

She had a room full of children she was taking care of and it took half of the party to go past before she realised there were extra kids there. Of course parents need to take responsibility, but if you are inviting children to a party, you should at least know who is in the room.

And no doubt you are one of these shit mothers defending the indefensible.

I'm defending no-one. On the rare occasion DD wasn't left off of a party invite list because she is disabled, I spoke with the organiser to check accessibility and food options.

Knowing how bad it was for her to be excluded, I have always made sure other kids don't feel the same way when I'm organising something. That includes inviting the "bad" kids who she was friends with, the ones who really just wanted to feel included in something, like their peers. Having extra food for the ones who, for whatever reason, hadn't said they were coming. Not being sniffy about people who turned up with no card or present. Not giving a toss if siblings turned up. When the parents were late picking up, I sat with the kids chatting or making a game with them tidying up.

I never had the chance to drop and run at a party because DD needed an adult to be there for her, so I ended up having to look after other people's kids at parties when the adults were in the kitchen drinking wine whilst mayhem was happening.

If that makes me a shit mum, making sure no child is left out for any reason, I'll wear that badge with pride.

@DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe
Good suggestion I will employ my 18 year old and friend to man the door next year - thankfully will be my last kids one like that.
I have had local kids that live on the street try to gatecrash at the house over the years.
I pretend I didn't have the foggiest why they were there and said the kids weren't playing out today.

Poor form? You do realise that the OP was probably doing a hundred things at the party — checking food, setting out drinks, managing presents and behaviour and expectations and demands and god knows what else? And what about the parents who didn’t RSVP? Was that not poor form?

There were other adults there. Making sure there is a headcount is more important as making sure the presents are all in order.

Also, I’m not sure the OP would have been responsible — particularly as neither the parents or children had made her aware of their presence. Would she have been responsible if a completely random child had joined?

I expect under the terms and conditions of hiring the hall she would be responsible for making sure she knew who was in the room.

If you are hosting a party and a random kid can just turn up and join in, then yes, you are responsible for that.

OP would've assumed that the children who had parents that RSVP'd were there. She isn't a mind reader and couldn't have expected entitled parents would dump their children without a second thought.

If you want to enable other parents poor behaviour, that's absolutely fine but it's absolutely fine for OP not to be willing to accept it.

OP doesn't have to 'be kind' to the extent it means enabling the behaviour of parents like that.

Allowing the kid to eat with their friends isn't enabling the parents.

Enabling the parents is having a situation where they can leave their kids at a party unchallenged.

Enabling the parents is making it clear that food won't be provided but then giving in and providing food. That is very likely what the parents expected would actually happen.

OP would've assumed that the children who had parents that RSVP'd were there. She isn't a mind reader and couldn't have expected entitled parents would dump their children without a second thought.

Unless she has lived under a rock, she'd know people don't always RSVP. Her actions in chasing parents for an answer shows she was aware. But regardless of that, if you're hosting kids, you really should know who is there. Easily done, have someone meeting people at the door.

If you want to enable other parents poor behaviour, that's absolutely fine but it's absolutely fine for OP not to be willing to accept it.

I don't particularly care about what parents do. I understand different people have different stresses in their life and can't always do what's necessary. I'm not going to choose to exclude children even if their parents are incredibly rude.

Well done OP. 👏

Shit parents can deal with the consequences of their poor behaviour when their child loses out. Dumping your child and expecting another parent to look after them without speaking to them first, is inconsiderate at best and downright dangerous at times.

The sooner the kid realises that their parents are not doing a great job of looking after them, the sooner the kid can learn to look out for themselves. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Enabling the parents is making it clear that food won't be provided but then giving in and providing food. That is very likely what the parents expected would actually happen.

If you're comfortable that the kids knew that, you crack on. Personally, I'd rather assume they didn't and not treat them differently because of it.

I admire your stance on this.

I'd end up doing "extras" just in case and would feel disgruntled when been totally clear on RSVP'ing.

Hopefully this will show the parents and children that RSVP'ing is an expectation and there's consequences in life if you don't. You've given them a life lesson !!!

I'd never take my children to a party I've not RSVP'd to and no contact with the parent hosting it. It's rude IMO.

and I bet if OP had someone at the door who turned these children away because their names weren't on the RSVP list, OP would still be the big meanie and it would be all her fault with no responsibility on the parents at all.

It takes less than a minute to RSVP, there is really very little excuse and it is absolutely fine to not be willing to accept such entitlement. Good for you if you want to allow people to treat you like that.

I’ve had this before but luckily it was a buffet so the child that just turned up they wasn’t left out. I’ve always made extra party bags just in case anyone extra turns up and I’ve always made sure plenty of food. I do agree the parents had their chance to let you know they were coming and they had warning about food boxes but I think I would of still done a couple of extra boxes just standard stuff, so that if they didn’t have allergies etc they at least weren’t left out and if they did have allergies or intolerances then the parent should of definitely let you know

You punished the children and it was the parents fault. This was mean though I agree you have a right to be annoyed.

From what OP said, it sounds like one child wasn't even surprised because the parents do things like that all of the time.

I'd have made it clear than the children knew it was because of their parents not saying they were coming.

If you had fed the children and they had allergies you weren't aware of then you would probably be facing a criminal charge against you right now. You did what I would do... some people need to learn manners.

Did the woman not get the message.

If your names’s not down you’re not coming in.

No rsvp - no place at party.

I would have had a bag of extras just in case some kid dropped the contents of their box on the floor.

Also I'm surprised at only 3 weeks notice of the party. Although I guess this would mean parents are more likely to know if their children are free to attend.

And the parent who dropped and ran knew exactly what they were doing,hence they couldn't even bring themselves to politely say hi before scarpering 🙄🙄🙄

You see I find your reply really shocking,that you consider people not having the manners to reply,being chased up with further invites and texts as normal behaviour!
It just didn’t happen when my children were younger.
I probably organised 30+ parties over the years and never experienced this type of poor behaviour from the parents 🤷‍♀️

@BoredZelda
The children were late. By your logic I should have stood by the door the whole party incase of late comers.
I'm trying to entertain, as well as running after the ADHD kid that was left without supervision from destroying the place - his mum was sheepish at pick up but said it was the best nap in her car and she needed it.
You are entitled to your opinion on the matter

Genuinely interested in your opinion of how I will handle next years.
What if a non RSVP turns up - I plan on provided location and time once I have a contact no for the parents.
Some parents are friendly and my share this info with them.