No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

So the OP could still have provided generic food that everyone could eat. When we do parties at school we ensure all the party food is suitable for all the children. It’s not hard FFS!

But OP did ensure that all the food was suitable for each child to have a suitable meal for their needs and likes.

It wasn't just food that they could safely eat but also food that each child would want to eat, as confirmed by all of their parents.

Should OP really have provided generic 'safe' food that the confirmed children and any gatecrashers could eat - although they may still have turned their noses up at it if it wasn't what they really enjoyed - rather than the food that all of the kids who were actually confirmed as coming would like to eat - and would actually eat?!

With an RSVP and a reminder, it's pretty obvious that replying 'Yes, thanks' means your child is coming and any other reply, action or lack of action means that they aren't coming.

Not bothering to reply to either- when they've obviously seen and read them - and then dumping your kids on them anyway, plus picking them up very late, really is treating other people like dog poo on your shoes that you've stepped in.

I wonder if these people also assume that GP appointments are 'for other people' and just turn up whenever it suits them and demand to be seen. After all, they know where the surgery is and they are ill, so why on earth should they ever have to consider anybody else when demanding what they need?

"So the OP could still have provided generic food that everyone could eat. When we do parties at school we ensure all the party food is suitable for all the children. It’s not hard FFS!"

But, why???

When I entertain, I don't make provisions for mysterious rando people who might barge in?

Why the hell is the onus on the host to guess about generic accommodation for people who can't be bothered to communicate?

It's laughable.

OP, if you're so sure that what you did was right and so happy with your decision, why have you posted the thread at all? People who are absolutely fine with their decisions generally don't bother to ask for opinions because, why would they?

I'm guessing that you're not enjoying the after-feelings and being 'technically' in the right, having run these parents to ground for their RSVPs, because of the child/ren in question.

I wouldn't feel right with this and you can bet that these ridiculous parents are also discussing this with their wider friends. Not fair to you because this was entirely of their own making but I would really think about how you want to do parties in future - for your own sake.

I think OP is posting because the children's mother, who didn't RSVP, who didn't bring either a present or a card for the birthday child and who picked her children up late so OP had to wait for her after everyone else had left, then had a go at OP for not providing lunchboxes for her two children. OP didn't think that she was in the wrong, but is canvassing opinion here.

It was the glaring from that particular group of mums, and another mum (I'm fairly close to and she wants to be part of that group of mums) telling me I should have fed them regardless, (I couldn't careless if im liked/loved/lothed on the playground) that prompted me to ask MN and see others opinions that were not directly involved.

You know MN the place that says have boundaries stick to them, then in the next breath oh OP you shouldn't have had boundaries and stuck to them. FFS you can't do right for doing wrong.

No child was starved to death at the party.
If they did I be wondering how the hell it happened in the rough 50mins of the party they attended and the 20mins extra they were abandoned.

I know my plan for next years party.

I will carry on RSVPing to my any invites whether my children are attending or not. So the host knows and can potentially invite a different child. Or sigh with relief as there is one less to look after 😂

Nope, you were quite right to stand your ground on this one. It was clear, they had warning but saw this as a last minute option to offload their child for a couple of hours. It really is not hard to RSVP - just requires some basic manners.

But it does all come across a bit like motherland - with Julia as the disorganised one leaving everything last minute and expecting everyone to pick up the pieces.

Why? To go to waste should the rude/entitled ones not show?

No. The parents have punished the children for their thoughtlessness. Not the OP.

Yanbu. Good for you OP, not pandering to other peoples rude behaviour.

Next time I’d take just the best friend to Lego land, Thorpe park or something big, as it’ll be easier with food.

People can’t be trusted whatever the situation to respond/pay up.

no response = no food = perfectly reasonable

I was the parent last week who had RSVP’d for my child and given his food choice but then the night before, we realised we had not worked out the logistics for one of our other children, 3. I messaged that day apologising, asking if she could come, knowing it was a disco in a hall type of party and said I would bring her a packed lunch.

I can’t believe these parents thought their children should just be able to turn up!

I had siblings turn up to a small party of 8 and I was so annoyed as the table was set for the 8, but we could have sorted it to include the sibling, but it just ended up really awkward. Can’t stand when people just assume you will be able to accommodate.

It’s unfortunate for the poor children having parents like that, but there’s only so much we can do to make up for that. If it had been a paid per place event, there’s a high chance they couldn’t have just been added on.

I will never understand parents who just merrily assume that any/all of the siblings of the child whose name was on the invitation must also naturally be invited - and just bring them along unannounced as though it's all normal.

Fair enough if you ask in advance if they can tag along and gratefully accept whatever the answer is; or just be honest with the host parent that you can't work out the logistics to be able to accept the invitation, and see if they offer anything.

Otherwise, if you as a family can't somehow achieve your invited child attending for whatever reason, you sadly have to decline on this occasion; it is not the problem to solve for the birthday child's parent with no though or responsibility on your part whatsoever. Just like I can't simply swipe food from Sainsbury's, as though it's automatically their problem to solve that I don't have any money.

I always did loads of extra, regardless. Why bother and put on such a lovely event if participants will be left disappointed. It is not their fault their parents are savages. Once a year event? Is it the best opportunity to prove points?
I would personally either do an even with excess food or not do an event at all - the fallout will be embarrassing.

I would have made a few extra boxes just incase. Even if extra children didn't show up another child might have wanted extra or a parent could have them.

Define 'standard'.

You were right! They were invited and chased. Why should you make extra just in case? It's not like making a few extra sandwiches in a buffet and they knew this!

OP wasn't being awkward to prove a point; she just organised an event for which prior confirmation of attendance was essential for full participation, and some parents rudely ignored the first part yet (also rudely) blamed OP for not providing the (dependent) second part.

It's like blaming British Airways for not having an available seat for you on your preferred flight, when you never bought a ticket or in any way indicated your wish to fly then: you just saw an advert stating that they had a scheduled flight to Malaga leaving then and turned up unannounced at the last minute with the bold assumption that you could just join everybody else who did book.

Not feeding children is not ok. You budgeted for 40 boxes when you invited 40 children. Make 40 boxes if people don’t turn up open the boxes and lay the contents out for adults to help themselves to.

It's annoying and totally tge parents fault but I'd have made a few extra sarnies, had spare crisps, biscuits, drinks in case. If no extra kids turned up, they wouldn't have gone go waste and wouldn't have been a huge extra cost.

You put in a lot of effort doing second invites etc, and some people still didn't bother to reply - how rude! I hope their kids moaned at them all the way home.

I have when it's been a buffet style, however this wasn't.

My neices needs were my priority.

What if I'd been buying them all a happy meal each. Should I have got extra just incase?

It reminds me of a line from a FOB song
🎼"I don't care what you think as long as it's about me"🎤😜

I know I'm the talk of the playground with this particular group - School mum who is desperate to be part of the group has told me. Who cares, if they choose to give the stink eye in about 4 weeks when I next get an early finish and will be there I'll smile and wave.

Good for you @itsmeits , good for you.

Thank you in my house that would be a ham butty with mayo and cucumber, on white or brown bread.
This can be given to Halal children, a child with an egg allergy or one that is gluten free. Not to mention I'd also put dairy on it with the butter.
If it was done with cheese the butter/bread could still be an issue.

Not feeding children who are not expected to attend is totally normal behaviour. You know what is also totally normal behaviour? RSVPing.