No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

To the people saying the Op should have provided food just in case, how would she know if the child had allergies etc the child's mother didn't stop to speak, how many spares does she make up and potentially waste?
The Op had given all the details on the invites. No parent is that busy they can't spend 30 seconds on a text reply. And if the parent realised they could have called to apologise for being so important forgetful and ask if it is ok to drop their child off if they really wanted them to attend, not ignore the RSVP and dump and run. Then to turn up late is beyond entitled.

The way some parents behave with such utter rudeness over the RSVP on children's party invites astounds me.

we all know the vast majority of children do not have food allergies.

Incidence of allergies is on the rise, and some are deadly.

I would not feed any child whose parents couldn't exert themselves to respond to my inquiries about food sensitivity.

Agree.

The parents of the party crashers had OP's contact information for weeks.

When a parent has the brass neck to not communicate with the party host at all and stealthily drops and runs with the child before coming back late and complaining when OP has stuck to the conditions on the invitation, the odds are pretty high that they'll summon up other things to complain about including things like there being something wrong about the food.

You can't assume that a parent would have declared everything and silence is all is fine. I've had several occasions at youth groups where health and allergy information was not disclosed or updated and there have been (fortunately minor) health issues. By not RSVPing, the parent hasn't formally given consent for a child to be there.
These days there probably is contact via whatsapp groups, but that's not guarenteed and it's common for a couple of parents to not be on a class group. It's also not always obvious which parent belongs to which child from the user names.

OP had a clearly stated, reasonable boundary. The parent broke it and complained anyway. Any negative impact to the child is on the parent, not on OP to put herself out to cover up for Cheeky Fuckers.

My CF experience was that another parent brought the unanticipated child (funnily enough no present again) to a paid for activity, so I ended up having to pay ££ for the child to participate and eat having already paid deposits and finishing the balance a week earlier. Fortunately the venue had capacity to accommodate the extra, but that wasn't guarenteed and would have been bloody awkward if someone in the party couldn't participate at all.
I had no contact details for the child at all and it wasn't one of DS's good friends; we'd done an "all the boys" invitation as it was a moderate number and not enough to pick and choose without leaving 2-3 out.
Funny how the ones that messed around about attending were never the ones that held larger parties themselves 🤔

You were not being unreasonable but it's not the children's fault that their parents forgot to reply so I think it's unfair to make them go hungry. I would have taken a couple of extra food boxes with generic sandwiches, cake etc in it just in case any more turned up.

No host is obliged to plan ahead for rude party crashers.

Sigh. The children aren’t the ‘rude party crashers’ here.

But the parents will continue to be rude and entitled for as long as others enable it.

The children may not be the rude party crashers but perhaps if they go home hungry and upset the parents might get their arse in gear and do right thing in the future. Why is it always someone else's job to put things right?

The child was hardly punished by not getting their half a sarnie, crisp? And chocolate bar?

Guessing at box contents here.

The unaccounted for children got to play freely with friends and have a cupcake.

Some of the other children who did rsvp also didn’t eat because they weren’t hungry.

Frankly neither child would ever be invited again and nor would any siblings if I had children in their year groups either. Parents have shown themselves to be right arseholes.

I would have had spare. I couldn't not have. A child doesn't understand why they're being treated differently and I couldn't do that.

The parents though? Call them whatever you like, judge them, chastise them, whatever makes you feel better about it and I'd agree. Parents are supposed to NOT let their children stumble into situations that will make them a pariah.

Because it’s just not that much of a big deal? It’s pretty much a given that some parents never RSVP (I remember when I first ventured onto Mn in 2011, it seemed to be the most frequent AIBU), and the kids show up anyway, or they have RSVPd but siblings or random neighbours show up too.

If it’s not an expensive activity where there’s a strictly limited number allowed, and you’re not operating on a shoestring, ordering a few extra standard food boxes isn’t a massive chore or expense. We once had so many ‘extra’ children at a joint birthday party shared by DS and his friend that DH had to go out for pizza in the middle. I can’t get outraged about it.

Well you are making an awful lot of assumptions there that other people have money to waste! Just because you can afford to, doesn’t mean everyone can.

It is also the principle and the disgusting entitlement. I completely agree with op c and salute her courage.

This thread brilliantly shows just exactly "why modern life is rubbish" & why the "world is going to hell in a handcart".

I simply cannot believe the number of people who will begrude an 8yo a bloody sandwich and bag of crisps, and then spend days huffing & puffing & justifying themselves online.

Bravo 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

No, I wouldn't have done that to eight year olds. They're old enough to be embarrassed and upset by it .

But surely the other children shared with them, in practice? With 23 other children there? I find it hard to imagine some of them wouldn't have, or all of them even wanted everything. Whole thing sounds really odd.

Thank you,
Budget was tight this year for the party.
Eldest was a big family meal out and I put so much behind the bar, middle cost me a fortune on concert tickets but you only turn 18 and 13 once.

But you invited those children, so if the parents had RSVP’d you would have had to cater for those extras anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, please. The OP wasn't dangling food in front of them and then snatching it away with a taunt about RSVPing. The food wasn't there.

She went to great lengths to secure a response to the invitation. Like any sane person, she didn't cater for those who repeatedly ignored opportunities to respond.

Had the importunate, entitled parents not done a dump & run, she could have informed them that no lunch was available. They could have run out to purchase something. But they didn't make the effort.

There's no pinning this on OP. She performed due diligence on her end. Any fallout with the kids (who did get a cupcake and drink) is their parents' doing.

Actually kids aren't dickheads the way adults can be so I'm sure those 8 year olds with food would have shared with their friends.

Which is exactly why OP had gone to all the trouble to cater safely for each child's individual dietary requirements.

So the actions of the rude parents dumping their kids could have had very serious consequences by encouraging children who otherwise had no need to share to do so - and once everybody was sharing, anybody could easily have ended up having food that they really shouldn't/couldn't.

If the kids aren't dickheads now, those ones soon will be given what they're being modelling by their parents. The OP was entirely reasonable.

Yes and the parents knew when throwing them in that they wouldn't get fed. They knew when and where the party was as they turned up. Two invites said no food.

I already catered for more than the 30 planned as I got 32 due to siblings attending 🙃
I would have had a box for them if they had text in the morning. instead no they chose to pick up late make me late, with no way of contact, then try to shout at me when I didn't shout that they were late. I just said hi they behaved, have to run, party did finish at Xpm, bye.

You're misrepresenting what I said there. Obviously at least one child noticed they were treated differently, or how would the parent have known? But all that dangling and snatching is your language of choice, not mine.

I would not like to encourage my children to eat up their lunchbox full of treats around others who got none.

Thank you this is my point each parent was asked to explain to there child not to share the food as it may make another child ill.
DN is young and doesn't fully understand all of it yet. I asked her mum how she manages parties and this was how she does it. DN understands this better than being told no when trying to pick from a buffet.
I gave parents a choice of things to share with the child for the lunch box once they had RSVPed and I could contact a parent if an emergency happened.

That’s their parents fault for simply showing up knowing they didn’t rsvp and dropping their children off as if OP is a daycare. They couldn’t even be bothered to let OP know they dropped their children off there to begin with. That speaks volumes considering if something were to happen and OP didn’t know that they were there, they would be blaming OP for their irresponsibility.

OP made these lunchboxes for a reason, taking into account other children’s dietary needs and allergies. OP knowing f-k all about these extra children has no idea what they can or can’t have like she does for the other children and made it for those who made themselves known beforehand. They also didn’t go home empty handed, they had some juice and were given a cupcake.