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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

86 replies

sopranoswasthebest · 26/02/2025 14:13

I did post on here previously.

So basically I had a massive argument with my MIL a few years ago when she was sending me nasty texts when I had a relative critically ill in hospital.

When I went to stay and help my family she got quite nasty and wasn't supportive at all and was sending me passive aggressive texts about me "abandoning" her son etc.

I had bit my tongue for years with her and FIL to be honest, I just exploded at her and I haven't spoken to her of FIL since.

They tried leaving £100 in a card that year at Xmas but I told DH to send it back.

Prior to this MIL would always interfere in both our relationship and general health.

From ordering me to get the Covid and Flu jab (I'm on my early 30s) to telling me "I needed to cook DH meals l" to asking "when are your visitors leaving", it was always something.

I have been very good to in-laws prior to this, helping them with chores, writing letters, gardening, dog sitting for weeks, doing their shopping etc and I never got any appreciation for it.

The picture that was painted to me by DH when we first got together was that they were these lonely people who were kind and nice people and the reason the oldest sibling didn't bother with them was because of his wife.

Was all a pack of lies as I found out for myself .

FIL has made racial slurs against my Polish BIL who is married to my sister on multiple occasions and uses the p and n word a lot.

He is a sarcastic horrible man, he made me cry when he accused me of being lazy in lockdown (whilst I was doing his shopping).
This was the only time DH stood up to him on my behalf.

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

What really bothers me is how other people that have never bothered or helped them get treated better than me.

Like the ex wife of BIL who didn't talk them the whole time she was married to the eldest son got taken out for a £300 meal after not seeing her for years and I did so much and never even got a thank you.

It just really burns me how I got treated and I can't forgive or forget.

DH is making me feel like I am being petty and to at least talk to them but I don't want to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Horizon32 · 26/02/2025 14:16

Racism is a red line. Stick to your guns, they sound vile.

Velvetbee · 26/02/2025 14:18

Nah, you reap what you sow, they don’t get your service when they can’t even be polite.

SwingTheMonkey · 26/02/2025 14:26

So dh wants you to start looking after them again? Hell no…

MostlyHappyMummy · 26/02/2025 14:27

Why do you need to speak with them for your DH to support them? Or is he volunteering your services for their care?

soarklyknobs · 26/02/2025 14:29

They're your DH's parents, if he wants to look after them don't stand in his way, but they're not your responsibility to care for 🤷‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2025 14:29

He’s a cheeky shit. Ask him why he thinks so little of his wife that you deserve to be treated so appallingly. He’s as much of a dick as they are to dare to call you petty.

You stick to your guns and ignore them till they die.

FetchezLaVache · 26/02/2025 14:29

You have a huge DH problem. He wants you to just forget all about how nasty both his parents have been to you simply because he knows he's going to be saddled with their care if he can't palm it off onto you.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2025 14:31

Your DH can look after them, and the rest of his family helping.

SerafinasGoose · 26/02/2025 14:31

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

Or, in other words, has earmarked you as their carer.

That would be a hard 'no'. They've behaved appallingly, and DH could have had your back over this but decided not to.

You reap what you sow.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 26/02/2025 14:31

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.
DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

Start over? Does he mean ‘do all the crap for them I don’t want to but you’ll be really good at because you’re a woman’?

Introducingme · 26/02/2025 14:32

Tell him it's a big fat NO to doing any care, shopping or anything else for them.
Rascists and their horrible behaviour is not ok.

SunsetCocktails · 26/02/2025 14:34

soarklyknobs · 26/02/2025 14:29

They're your DH's parents, if he wants to look after them don't stand in his way, but they're not your responsibility to care for 🤷‍♀️

This.

Iloveacurry · 26/02/2025 14:35

No I wouldn’t. Your DH probably only wants you to make peace so you can help with the caring, helping, etc.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/02/2025 14:35

Absolutely no to 'letting bygones be bygones'. Your PIL are awful racists who didn't appreciate your help and made you cry. Why on earth should you help them now they have health problems? They should have thought about the consequences of being horrible and ungrateful.

Tell your DH that you will not be making peace with them or caring for them or helping them in any way. He should have dealt with their terrible behaviour at the time but he let them insult his wife and exploit her kindness.

Snorlaxo · 26/02/2025 14:39

yanbu - your h is lucky that you’re still married to him tbh

If your h wants to help then he can go round.

Jasmin71 · 26/02/2025 14:42

Hard No.

Tell DH he is more than welcome to help HIS parents in any way he sees fit. If he pushes the matter offer to help contact social services to see if they need a care package. Stick to your decision and do not entertain any grovelling from any of them.

theboffinsarecoming · 26/02/2025 14:45

Ah. So now they are getting elderly and have health problems and your DH has suddenly realised that he might have to step up and help out. But no he thinks, of course not, helping care for elderly relatives is women's work and who better to do it than his wife? So it's about time you made up with them so you can do it and he doesn't have to.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

RobinHeartella · 26/02/2025 14:50

I may be assuming wrong but...

I wonder if your dh whinges at them about you and then they think they're being his mouthpiece when they criticise you. Asking you when your visitors are leaving for example. Accusing you of abandoning him or not cooking his meals.

How do they even know who is cooking the meals unless dh complains to them?

Natty13 · 26/02/2025 14:50

He wants you to make amends so he doesn't have to do those things for them himself...he knows he needs an unpaid carer as they age to bear the brunt of it. I wouldn't be lifting a finger personally.

MrsPerfect12 · 26/02/2025 14:52

SwingTheMonkey · 26/02/2025 14:26

So dh wants you to start looking after them again? Hell no…

This was my thoughts

MrsPerfect12 · 26/02/2025 14:53

Your DH can see them. You don't need to and make it clear that you won't be helping them at all - even the dog!

Endofyear · 26/02/2025 15:12

Tell your husband his father is a racist pig and that is a red line for you. It sounds like his parents are pretty vile. You don't have to see them or spend any time with them if you don't want to. If they need help, he can help them - they're his parents!

Sunat45degrees · 26/02/2025 15:14

Why can't DH look after them? I mean, if you're saying he can't have contact with him, then yes, YABU. If you're refusing to do the work then no, YANBU.

GabriellaMontez · 26/02/2025 15:27

Have they apologised to you?

Reddishpencil · 26/02/2025 15:29

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