To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

[sopranoswasthebest]

I did post on here previously.

So basically I had a massive argument with my MIL a few years ago when she was sending me nasty texts when I had a relative critically ill in hospital.

When I went to stay and help my family she got quite nasty and wasn't supportive at all and was sending me passive aggressive texts about me "abandoning" her son etc.

I had bit my tongue for years with her and FIL to be honest, I just exploded at her and I haven't spoken to her of FIL since.

They tried leaving £100 in a card that year at Xmas but I told DH to send it back.

Prior to this MIL would always interfere in both our relationship and general health.

From ordering me to get the Covid and Flu jab (I'm on my early 30s) to telling me "I needed to cook DH meals l" to asking "when are your visitors leaving", it was always something.

I have been very good to in-laws prior to this, helping them with chores, writing letters, gardening, dog sitting for weeks, doing their shopping etc and I never got any appreciation for it.

The picture that was painted to me by DH when we first got together was that they were these lonely people who were kind and nice people and the reason the oldest sibling didn't bother with them was because of his wife.

Was all a pack of lies as I found out for myself .

FIL has made racial slurs against my Polish BIL who is married to my sister on multiple occasions and uses the p and n word a lot.

He is a sarcastic horrible man, he made me cry when he accused me of being lazy in lockdown (whilst I was doing his shopping).
This was the only time DH stood up to him on my behalf.

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

What really bothers me is how other people that have never bothered or helped them get treated better than me.

Like the ex wife of BIL who didn't talk them the whole time she was married to the eldest son got taken out for a £300 meal after not seeing her for years and I did so much and never even got a thank you.

It just really burns me how I got treated and I can't forgive or forget.

DH is making me feel like I am being petty and to at least talk to them but I don't want to.

AIBU?

If they need help that Badly then either your husband steps up or they pay for help

They sound awful and it's not petty at all. Your DH only wants you to make amends so he doesn't have to get involved with helping them out. God, that would give me the major ick.

Agree you're being lined up as elder care. Bloody cheeky!

How did you come to that conclusion?

OP is allowed to have boundaries and not step in for people who treated her poorly, didn’t apologise from the read of things and now looking for help because their health has declined.

Saying that, it reads more like OP has a DH problem if he is expecting her to help them knowing how they’ve treated her. They are his parents, not hers. If he wants to be responsible for them, that is his choice, but doesn’t mean she has to be included and help them too.

Don't be guilted until this.
They have options.

They sound like negative and hateful people so just leave them to their misery.
Definitely a case of you reap what you sow.

I wouldn't in your shoes unles you want to.
Your DH knows why you have taken this decision and he should respect it just as much as you respect him continuing to have a relationship with them.
I do suspect though that DH is trying to change your mind now as his parents are older and need more help and he wants you to do at least some of that

Why is it up to you to make the peace?

No to talking to them.

No to helping them out.

No to making the peace.

No to being their carer.

No no no. Just no.

@sopranoswasthebest

I'd tell DH that no, I wasn't going to 'make peace and start over again' because there was too much racist and abusive water under that particular bridge. I'd tell him that what I might be willing to do is to facilitate him providing whatever care is needed for his parents. By that I mean taking on some of what he does in your household in order to free up time for him to help his parents.

This is what DH and I agreed to for our respective parents. There were never any 'issues' with them, they were four great people. But it just worked for us that way, especially as DH and I both worked full time. So when MiL became ill, I shouldered most of the household needs so he was free to help her. The reverse when my parents needed help. DH stepped up and carried more of the load so I was free to help my parents. In your case you could look at it as helping him, rather than helping them.

If my suggestion sounds good to you, tell your DH. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He'll either accept it, which means he understands that his parents are his responsibility, or he'll whinge or say 'that won't work', in which case you'll know that he just wants you to make his life easier by caring for his parents.

Why do you need to get involved, they're your husband's parents?! If he wants to help them, then that's his look-out, but why should it concern you?!!! Or is this a case of your husband wanting you to help them, rather than him, so therefore he wants you to make peace?! We went NC with my husband's Uncle. He was unwell, and had to come out of his privately rented property as it wasn't fit for human inhabitation. He spent several weeks in hospital, and moved in with us temporarily. It was dreadful, and after 6 months we had to tell him to leave (there was zero effort on his part to leave). He treated our home like a hotel, me as his personal skivvy/PA, just utterly thoughtless and selfish. Once he moved out that was it, we cut contact. He might be 80, but he's a manipulative man who treated his family awful. It's been 6 years, and we have zero regrets. You need to do what's best for you, not your husband or in-laws. It's a myth that all elderly people are sweet, old dears, some aren't!

I think the consensus is you tell your husband that you are happy for him to provide care to whoever he pleases but you will not be doing so.

He is manipulating you into becoming their free skivvy. Don’t let him.

Totally agree. Bunch of cunts.

DH can do what he likes of course, but so can you. If you don’t want to spend time with racist scum, he will have to respect that decision.

If he doesn’t, you have a DH problem.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

Ask him outright why do you want me to now make peace with them? And I bet the answer involves their ill health and you helping them. They are his parents so he can make time to care for them

Of course your DH wants you to make peace! Then you can go and be their carer and save him the trouble.
But they’re his parents and his responsibility and problem…….
and as others say, you reap as you sow.

I think what is that DH is set to inherit a lot in their wills (they told me this themselves when they were complaining about their children apart from DH being lazy ) as they have cut out the siblings who haven't helped/bothered with them.

DH told me that I was also in the will just before I fell out with them, but I don't believe him at all (not that it would make a difference).

I think what DH wanted was to look good in front of his parents with me running around after them and being at their beck and call.

He would always say "Oh mum let XYZ zzz help you, she will do it".

When I dared to start to put my foot down with helping them I was made to feel bad by DH.

As another PP mentioned I think DH probably did used to go complaining about me as how else would MIL know I don't cook (as he is a meat eater and I am veggie).

MIL would even come in our garden and dig out plants that I had planted.

I was very close to filing for divorce when it all kicked of but was persuaded to stay by DH who promised me I wouldn't have to see his parents again, and I haven't for 2 years.

Bollocks. Let DH run around after them. They aren’t your problem.

Don't be a carer to horrid people you don't like in the hope you'll inherit from their Will.

First of all you might not inherit after all. It's a gamble

Secondly it might be many years. It might work out a poor hourly wage!

Thirdly there are more rewarding and worthwhile jobs you could do to earn the money

You are being lined up to take care of them. Make yourself very busy with your own life. No further discussion with him about his parents . He trying to slowly grind you down. They may apologise to " sweeten you up" .

Definitely refuse. Your DH betrayed you in his dealings with his parents. He's trying to do it again.

This...

They can tell him ANYTHING about their will.

I came across this, manipulative very rich elderly woman had her many children run ragged running around after her for YEARS..

Lied to them all re will contents... She happily had cut ALL her very less well off children out of her will (they'd lost huge amounts of money caring for her...) and she left it all to some niche church she barely had any contact with.... Think final estate was almost 5 million 😱.. At least two of her children live on disability benefit...

You have a ‘D’H problem.

He has thrown you under the bus with his awful parents (the apple doesn’t fall far from his mother’s tree) for years.

He is prioritising money over you. There will be nothing for you to inherit but plenty in his name, and rather than do the donkey work himself - he is lining you up to do it.

Rather than standing up for you firmly, he has stood by and let his shitty parents abuse you over and over again. Why on earth has he done this? Only he can answer that. I suspect he prioritises his mother over you sadly.

You were right to consider divorce back then, because loyalty and having a husband that has your back is imperative to a marriage working.

It sounds like he has bided his time, and is now going back on his word.

I would stand firm. He either respects the agreement you made, and he steps in to help his parents in old age as she should anyway , because they are HIS parents or you will leave.

I would not be blackmailed to ever have these people in your life again, either with the promise of an inheritance (which is likely to be untrue) or with £300 dinners! Absolutely not.

I would be reassessing the kind of person I have married tbh op, he doesn’t sound like a great dh at all, and there is no loyalty or respect for you.

@sopranoswasthebest

So he 1-wants to be sure he is going to get the max possible inheritance and 2-wants you do to his job (caring for his parents). Nuts to that!

I'd tell him that I don't want any of their money (even though you doubt you're actually in the will) and that his parents are his responsibility.

Wonder what he'll come up with next?

The only thing that is a bit contradictory is you complain you never got a thank you but they did try to give you 100 pounds.
I would try to keep things respectful but firm. It is your DH's family so I'd make a token offer of paying for 2 hours of fortnightly cleaning or something but not offer to do the work yourself.

I’d consider re establishing a relationship with them for DHs sake, but make sure it was on my terms. So I’d have a think about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do for them and what my boundaries were. For me, given the history it would be something like, I’ll start to be a part of their lives again, but to be clear I’m doing this for you and not for them. With that in mind, I’m prepared to do shopping for them, make arrangements, calls etc, but not personal care. In turn they need to be pleasant to me, I won’t tolerate any racism and will call it out if it happens, if it continues that will be the end of any relationship, as will rudeness or any interference I ourhome or our relationship.

@Biscuitsnotcookies
Yes your spot on, I do feel as if OH's loyalty is to his parents as he always has an answer for everything that they do wrong.

I'm not bothered about the will as I would be happy and not have to deal with such horrible people.

It really infuriates me how all the responsibility was put on my shoulders in Covid when my own parent was fighting cancer and FIL was very verbally abusive to me knowing how upset I was not being able to see my dad (live 90 minutes away and the country was in lockdown).

The £100 was given 5 months after the argument and was for Christmas.
I would have preferred an apology.