To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

[sopranoswasthebest]

I did post on here previously.

So basically I had a massive argument with my MIL a few years ago when she was sending me nasty texts when I had a relative critically ill in hospital.

When I went to stay and help my family she got quite nasty and wasn't supportive at all and was sending me passive aggressive texts about me "abandoning" her son etc.

I had bit my tongue for years with her and FIL to be honest, I just exploded at her and I haven't spoken to her of FIL since.

They tried leaving £100 in a card that year at Xmas but I told DH to send it back.

Prior to this MIL would always interfere in both our relationship and general health.

From ordering me to get the Covid and Flu jab (I'm on my early 30s) to telling me "I needed to cook DH meals l" to asking "when are your visitors leaving", it was always something.

I have been very good to in-laws prior to this, helping them with chores, writing letters, gardening, dog sitting for weeks, doing their shopping etc and I never got any appreciation for it.

The picture that was painted to me by DH when we first got together was that they were these lonely people who were kind and nice people and the reason the oldest sibling didn't bother with them was because of his wife.

Was all a pack of lies as I found out for myself .

FIL has made racial slurs against my Polish BIL who is married to my sister on multiple occasions and uses the p and n word a lot.

He is a sarcastic horrible man, he made me cry when he accused me of being lazy in lockdown (whilst I was doing his shopping).
This was the only time DH stood up to him on my behalf.

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

What really bothers me is how other people that have never bothered or helped them get treated better than me.

Like the ex wife of BIL who didn't talk them the whole time she was married to the eldest son got taken out for a £300 meal after not seeing her for years and I did so much and never even got a thank you.

It just really burns me how I got treated and I can't forgive or forget.

DH is making me feel like I am being petty and to at least talk to them but I don't want to.

AIBU?

My DH is very close to his parents but his mother doesn't do any of this. He's also 50!
You need to both move and move on.

Wow she does his washing still? He won’t change, and he just wants you to make up so he can push that inevitable (if he wants to keep his inheritance) caring responsibility to you. I’d leave.

Bloody hell. Time to LTB

they have both got health problems now and need help

I mean, still doing your DHs laundry, cutting his hair, booking all his appointments, what help do they actually need from you both? Or is it more manipulation?

DH has never helped my parents or family

This is always the case when women write about the help they give to their in-laws.

So last night I told my husband that I think it was best if we both moved on separately as all we are doing is arguing over his parents.

When I told him of all the help I had given to his parents and how that has been awful to me he reminded me

"It's not a competition of who has done what, they cooked you meals remember".
They didn't spent hours and hours of their time doing chores for me.

They cooked for everyone (including him and his siblings) at rare family dinners.

And when I said he just wanted an unpaid carer for his parents he told me "Complete none sense".

He would always make me feel guilty when I stepped back from helping his parents and would say to me "they realise you're not bothered about them" so he is lying there.

He told me he had gone to see his parents and they told him they "missed me" and understand we won't talk again.

Still no apology.
At this point I have given up trying to explain things to him.

I think I probably will be happier moving on as he clearly doesn't have my back or support me and makes me feel like I'm crazy.

Thank you to everyone for their advice x

Good luck @sopranoswasthebest you can always return here or start a new thread if he is difficult over the split. 💐

Good for you. It sounds like it’s been coming for a while. Imagine how wonderful life will feel when you have your own place, miles away from the fucked yo dysfunctional lot of them.

He's definitely clutching at straws here, trying to find something nice that his parents have done for you. As though including you in a (very rare) family meal which they are cooking for everyone, not specifically for you, is the same as all the help you previously gave them when you were on speaking terms.

He is defending the indefensible and won't even consider your point of view so separation seems the only solution to stop the constant guilt tripping from him.

@sopranoswasthebest

The fact that he didn't express any real regret at your decision but instead simply kept defending his parents and justifying his wanting you to do his job for him shows that he really doesn't value you or your marriage. Sounds as if he figures that if he can't get what he wants out of you, then you may as well 'be gone'.

You are right to separate. Move quickly but deliberately, especially wrt separating finances. And see a solicitor as soon as possible to find out what divorce may mean to you. It doesn't mean you're going 'do anything' right now, just that you are educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed.

Even in this moment when he stands to lose everything he is STILL completely unable to see your point of view. He is still welded to them. It must be sickening to watch him disregard your feelings, your experience of his family and even now he is not fighting for you. Or even willing to meet you half way… You deserve so much more than this, and I could not be with a man like this in a million years. A mummy’s boy still suckling at her nipples unable to adult in any capacity. I would be well and truly out.