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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

86 replies

sopranoswasthebest · 26/02/2025 14:13

I did post on here previously.

So basically I had a massive argument with my MIL a few years ago when she was sending me nasty texts when I had a relative critically ill in hospital.

When I went to stay and help my family she got quite nasty and wasn't supportive at all and was sending me passive aggressive texts about me "abandoning" her son etc.

I had bit my tongue for years with her and FIL to be honest, I just exploded at her and I haven't spoken to her of FIL since.

They tried leaving £100 in a card that year at Xmas but I told DH to send it back.

Prior to this MIL would always interfere in both our relationship and general health.

From ordering me to get the Covid and Flu jab (I'm on my early 30s) to telling me "I needed to cook DH meals l" to asking "when are your visitors leaving", it was always something.

I have been very good to in-laws prior to this, helping them with chores, writing letters, gardening, dog sitting for weeks, doing their shopping etc and I never got any appreciation for it.

The picture that was painted to me by DH when we first got together was that they were these lonely people who were kind and nice people and the reason the oldest sibling didn't bother with them was because of his wife.

Was all a pack of lies as I found out for myself .

FIL has made racial slurs against my Polish BIL who is married to my sister on multiple occasions and uses the p and n word a lot.

He is a sarcastic horrible man, he made me cry when he accused me of being lazy in lockdown (whilst I was doing his shopping).
This was the only time DH stood up to him on my behalf.

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

What really bothers me is how other people that have never bothered or helped them get treated better than me.

Like the ex wife of BIL who didn't talk them the whole time she was married to the eldest son got taken out for a £300 meal after not seeing her for years and I did so much and never even got a thank you.

It just really burns me how I got treated and I can't forgive or forget.

DH is making me feel like I am being petty and to at least talk to them but I don't want to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 27/02/2025 16:55

@Commonsense22 - they have OH to pay for any services they may need, they are not my parents or responsibility.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 27/02/2025 16:59

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2025 15:57

@sopranoswasthebest

I'd tell DH that no, I wasn't going to 'make peace and start over again' because there was too much racist and abusive water under that particular bridge. I'd tell him that what I might be willing to do is to facilitate him providing whatever care is needed for his parents. By that I mean taking on some of what he does in your household in order to free up time for him to help his parents.

This is what DH and I agreed to for our respective parents. There were never any 'issues' with them, they were four great people. But it just worked for us that way, especially as DH and I both worked full time. So when MiL became ill, I shouldered most of the household needs so he was free to help her. The reverse when my parents needed help. DH stepped up and carried more of the load so I was free to help my parents. In your case you could look at it as helping him, rather than helping them.

If my suggestion sounds good to you, tell your DH. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He'll either accept it, which means he understands that his parents are his responsibility, or he'll whinge or say 'that won't work', in which case you'll know that he just wants you to make his life easier by caring for his parents.

This. Support your DH by helping him. 😊

SerafinasGoose · 27/02/2025 18:01

The sort of parents who hold their children to ransom over a Will are exactly the sort of parents who would leave everything they own to the local cats' home.

In the meantime, they dangle the carrot to bribe you into doing whatever they want you to do. I say to hell with that noise, and 'no' to engaging in any form of power-play. People have enough of that sort of shit to deal with in the workplace.

I've taken nothing from anyone in my life. Everything DH and I have we've earned, and we're under no obligations to anyone. That's liberating.

Hold the line.

DPotter · 27/02/2025 18:15

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

They have manipulated you and your DH in the past
They have been incredibly rude to you in the past
They have not apologised to you in the past.

So guess where a betting woman would put her money on any future behaviour?

They are probably manipulating your DH now in the present with talk of inheritances. Never believe manipulator about their will, until the solicitor sends you the cheque. Never.

Your DH made you a promise - what you have to ask yourself is why is he going back on his promise ?

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 27/02/2025 22:14

I never ever say this on principle but this time I am doing - get a divorce lawyer. This is going to get worse, not better.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 27/02/2025 22:19

Haven't seen ils for over a decade.. No ill health will change that..
Dh won't change his mind either..

FloofyKat · 27/02/2025 22:22

No, DH. You didn’t stand up for me all these years and they didn’t change, so I’m not willing to put the past behind me just so you can position me as their carer now.

.

Mum2jenny · 27/02/2025 22:27

IMO they have made their problem and it’s up to them to sort it.
Not your issue at all!

Snoopdoggydog123 · 27/02/2025 22:33

Do what I did when my DH wobbled.

Remind him that me staying married to him was dependent on me never seeing that bitch again.
And if he was going back on his part I'm more than happy to carry on with the divorce. Because to this day he is not worth having her in my life.

Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 12:37

DH still doesn't see there wrong doing and just blames it on their age and frustration that the other siblings don't help them.

DH has never helped my parents or family.

Unfortunately we live a few doors away from them and DH is round there every morning before work to see them (which is fine as they are his parents) but he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

OP posts:
Biscuitsnotcookies · 28/02/2025 13:56

sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 12:37

DH still doesn't see there wrong doing and just blames it on their age and frustration that the other siblings don't help them.

DH has never helped my parents or family.

Unfortunately we live a few doors away from them and DH is round there every morning before work to see them (which is fine as they are his parents) but he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

Your dn is still attached to the umbilical cord ( aka a controlling mother) and nothing is ever going to change op. I can’t believe he is there every day!! You have my full sympathy. He is married to his mother not to you. I would put the house on the market and refuse to continue with this marriage, you are just the hired help at best to facilitate them, he has been trying to wear you down for two years.. 😱

HH4432 · 28/02/2025 14:15

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

yet you STILL call him "D" H? Please raise you bar, he is a low moralled man if this is the case

C8H10N4O2 · 28/02/2025 14:16

sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 12:37

DH still doesn't see there wrong doing and just blames it on their age and frustration that the other siblings don't help them.

DH has never helped my parents or family.

Unfortunately we live a few doors away from them and DH is round there every morning before work to see them (which is fine as they are his parents) but he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

DH wants you to provide unpaid labour to his parents so that he can inherit money.

Personally I would suggest his parents use the money to pay for their own services and labour and fuck off out of my life.

DH can choose between going home to polish the horde or staying with you.

Ellie56 · 28/02/2025 14:18

"he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

Sort what out? And whatever "it" is, why can't he sort it out?

I think you need to move on too. On and out of this so called marriage. Like PP have said, your DH is married to his mother, not you.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 28/02/2025 14:19

I would suggest- as we did before the actual nc- was we agreed mil's name wasn't mentioned in our home. Wasn't being all het up in my own space by that woman when she wasn't even there!!
Tell dh your marriage depends on his agreement.. And mean it.

Onlyvisiting · 28/02/2025 14:21

Absolutely not. Your DH wants you to forgive and forget so you can be/help be their carer. Certainly I would support him as needed in him helping them with what they need, but I wouldn't be doing it myself and wouldn't be interacting with them directly.
Racism is a hard no for me, and they will only get worse as they get older and you will be expected to just take the abuse as they need care.

Redfred00 · 28/02/2025 14:30

They aren't going to be nicer or less abusive when they are unwell. Your husband wants to you to tow the line so he can palm their care off onto you.

Redfred00 · 28/02/2025 14:32

It's hard enough to provide care for someone you love. I wouldn't look after ungreahateful, hateful people.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2025 14:39

@sopranoswasthebest

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

What do you mean by 'moving on'? Are you thinking of separating or do you simply mean refusing to discuss the matter further? If the latter, will he actually respect your decision and drop it? He has a lot riding on your 'acquiescence', you know. Your continued (correct) refusal means he may just have to step up and actually act as a carer for his parents. Not to mention losing (an imaginary) part of 'his' inheritance that's supposedly coming to you.

Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 17:43

Yes he is extremely close to his parents - he was living with them at 30 when I met him.

MIL still does his washing, books all of his appointments, they have a "chippy" night every Thursday, she still cuts his hair, everything revolves around his parents.

As we live 2 doors away from them, I did suggest moving, but to no avail.

I think moving on would be separating as I'm not really happy and we just always argue about his parents.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 28/02/2025 17:45

Yeah, two doors down is insanity.

Time to move on. 💐

thepariscrimefiles · 28/02/2025 18:05

sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 17:43

Yes he is extremely close to his parents - he was living with them at 30 when I met him.

MIL still does his washing, books all of his appointments, they have a "chippy" night every Thursday, she still cuts his hair, everything revolves around his parents.

As we live 2 doors away from them, I did suggest moving, but to no avail.

I think moving on would be separating as I'm not really happy and we just always argue about his parents.

He's still joined to his mum by the umbilical cord. It sounds deeply unattrative in a grown man who doesn't care that his parents insult his wife.

Separating sounds like the only way for you to get some distance from this awful family. Your DH won't protect you and he wants to expose you to their toxicity all over again by expecting to you help care for his parents.

Ellie56 · 28/02/2025 18:09

OMG 2 doors away! Shock

He's never really left home has he?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 28/02/2025 18:19

sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 17:43

Yes he is extremely close to his parents - he was living with them at 30 when I met him.

MIL still does his washing, books all of his appointments, they have a "chippy" night every Thursday, she still cuts his hair, everything revolves around his parents.

As we live 2 doors away from them, I did suggest moving, but to no avail.

I think moving on would be separating as I'm not really happy and we just always argue about his parents.

I'd be drier than Mars looking at that man

Fuck knows how you've managed to muster up the courage to let him have a go the 3 times it took for the kids.

SuperTrooper14 · 28/02/2025 18:21

He only wants you to make up so you can skivvy for them and he can take credit for it. Honestly, it's an overused MN phrase but you definitely have a DH problem! Be firm: tell him that if you ever did consider reconciling with them, it would be on condition that you would not lift a finger to look after them. It just wouldn't happen. That is his job, as their son, and his siblings' job. He won't like it but tough.

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