Partner never wants to get married but I do

[WalkingWavy]

Ok some facts.. My partner (46) and I (35) have been together for 13 years. He has a grown up son who has moved out and lives in his own flat. We don’t have children together but we do have a (mortgaged) house together. I don’t want to have children. I have however always wanted to be married, not necessarily fussed about the “white wedding” but would love to be someone’s wife. Not sure if it’s just because society has programmed me to feel this way. The feminist in me thinks it’s an outdated concept but I just can’t help wanting to have a band on my left hand ring finger and to say that I’m so and so’s wife. My cousin who I’m really close with got engaged a few weeks ago and I’m so thrilled for her, and I love her fiancé too, he’s felt like part of the family for a long time. I’m ashamed to admit part of me is so jealous of her. She has a beautiful engagement ring and has already discussed wedding plans and changing her name etc. Part of me kind of likes that my partner and I are different from everyone else and I know people see us as a strong couple and have stopped asking us when we’re getting married but I just can’t stop the nagging feeling of wanting to be his missus (officially). We love each other and bounce off of each other, he’s my best friend and I know he would never leave me. He’s always said it’s me or no one. He has also said from day 1 that he would never get married so he’s never strung me along in that respect, and to be fair I always said I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be married to someone else. I think it’s all just come up again because of my cousins engagement. Just wondering if anyone else can relate and can maybe help me work through why I want to be married when I am so happy in my relationship

Has he said why he doesn’t want to get married?

Well i suppose he did say early on, personally i would never compromise so wouldnt have even gone out with him. He's having his cake and eating it a bit.

Does he not want to marry from a ££ perspective? I suppose it depends how important it is to you, i would rather be single than be with someone who wont marry me

Is he a higher earner? Have a good pension? When he dies will his share of the house go to his son as his plan?

You have been together 13 years so you will have built up alot of your life together but you can't force him

Just start calling yourself his wife. Tell him you want a ring. Change your last name if you like. All the things you are saying you want are easily attainable even without the actual marriage.

What happens to the house and the person living in it if one of you dies? Have you got life insurance to leave to each other to enable them to stay living there? Are there any other relatives (eg does he have children) who would stand to inherit his half of the house or would it be left to you?

Sorry I missed the bit about his son. So if he dies does his son get his half of the house and leave you either forced to sell your home or living with his son and his family?!

As he has a son I can see why he wants to protect his assets but if you’re his life partner he needs to protect you too.

I want to get married and I know you don't so I can we come to a compromise? Ask him for an eternity ring and change your name or double barrel yours,

or

He might surprise you and say he wants to after all. Doesn't have to be a big thing, elope

I'm guessing that he's protecting his assets for his son. Marrying you would fuck that up good and proper

Would he commit to a civil partnership so at least you get the legal benefits of marriage, or is it legally being committed to you the thing that he wants to avoid?

My now dh was adamant he never wanted to be married. I explained how important it was to me and how much it meant to be a wife to him and we had a small family wedding 8 years ago.
Explain calmly what it means to you and if your not satisfied you've every right to move on as you want different things

It always comes down to finances because I assume you aren't leaving him for emotional reasons.

I don't think saying from the outset that he doesn't want to marry you means that after 13 years you camt open a comversstion about it because your circumstances and views may have changed. Day 1 your finances weren't intertwined were they?

The questions you need to know the answer to are:

Is your house joint or tenants in common?

Are you happy that his share will default to his son (presumably yes, but I mean, will he have a majority share, do you have wills or lifetime interest if needed etc)

Do you need to marry to benefit from any tax breaks in the future?

Do you have access to joint money if he dies suddenly? Does it affect you? Unless you have wills in place, his son will have default access for probate so can stop you accessing your boyfreinds money (which might be a problem of he pays certain bills).

Do you have, want or need POA?

Has he got assets beyond the property you own together? If so there is your answer.

Boils down to this really.

Not really. Any result he wants would be achievable with proper financial advice and a well drafted will.

It's not always about finances or for logical reasons. I understand your feelings as I earn more than double what my DH earns (or what any previous partner earned) and I didn't take any unpaid leave after having kids so for me there was zero financial benefit in getting married but it was still important to me for reasons I couldn't really articulate and it would have been a deal breaker eventually if DH didn't want to get married. It depends what his original reasons were but I'd have the conversation again and if he's concerned in terms of finances then reassure him you'd be fine with a prenup etc - if kids are not on the horizon then it shouldn't be complicated.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? If you've accepted his wish to not get married and have been happy all these years, he's possibly blissfully ignorant to your change of mind!

No it would not, with the proper legal boxes being ticked.

i wouldn’t marry someone else if I already had children
he probs wants to live his assets to them

I don’t think I could ever feel completely settled with someone who didn’t want to marry me, so I understand how you feel. I would forever wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him to commit to. Those may be irrational feelings, and he may be completely committed in his head, but that’s how I would feel about it. What’s so awful about standing up in front of your friends and family and promising to stay with someone through thick and thin?

Talk to him about inheritance tax, and how married couples don't pay it!

I don't think anyone can tell you your reasons; there are plenty of good, serious reasons (and probably some other less fundamental ones) for getting married and only some of them will apply to your situation. Can you maybe write down a list of all the benefits you feel you'd get from being married (and any downsides you can think of too) to get the whole picture of what's at stake for you? And be honest, even if something seems stupid/unimportant; no one else has to see your list. Live with it for a bit and see if anything changes - maybe it is a rush of feelings due to your cousin's engagement and a sudden reminder of what you once expected your life to be like before you compromised. Those feelings may recede, or not.

If it's still bothering you after a few weeks, I'd have a conversation with him - in person, when both of you have plenty of time and are not distracted - and go through your feelings and his. You can acknowledge that you understood that he never planned to marry you and you accepted that, but now you want to reopen the conversation. If you changed your mind or began to feel much more strongly about any other aspect of your lives together you'd speak up, right? So why not this?

If his reasons for not wanting to get married are practical/financial/legal, there are likely ways to accommodate his needs and still get married. If they are emotional or ideological, there may be a compromise to get some of what you want without an actual marriage. If he cares about you, he'll have the conversation, even if he's sure he'll never change his mind. If you come out of it without any solutions, then I guess you're back where you started and have to decide to stay with him or not.

Personally, I've never wanted to get married and don't like any of the trad wedding/marriage trappings (I wouldn't change my name or use Mrs. anyway, and no way I'd do a formal wedding), but if it suddenly became important to my partner I'd certainly hear them out and try to compromise or even reconsider if I felt their need to be married was more important to them long-term than my desire not to be is to me.

I have three children and a partner. I'm happy to do a civil partnership but not marriage. I want to protect my children in case anything happened to me. If we were married and I died and then my partner died shortly after, everything I have would go to her, and then to her family, effectively disinheriting my children. And yes I know it's possible to draft a marriage contract and a will, etc, but those could potentially be contested or badly done and I just don't see any strong reason to take that risk where civil partnership is a perfectly acceptable alternative.
I am happy however to take reasonable dispositions to make sure my partner isn't left hanging dry if I die.

Would you be happy with a civil partnership and a will ? Though your situation is a bit different as you didn't sacrifice earning power to be together but it's reasonable to not want to lose your house if your partner dies, for instance.

At the end of the day if you want marriage and he doesn't, there's no compromise, so you have to decide if you're happy to stay together unmarried or if it's a dealbreaker.

I doubt he will change his mind, so the question is - is this a dealbreaker for you. Only you can decide that!

Have you spoken about it other than when you first met? You could have a nice ring and a civil partnership. Tell him how you feel. It's important to work out why he doesn't want to get married. When I first met my now DH, then boyfriend he said he never wanted to get married but it turns out that was a hangover from a previous relationship which he wasn't happy in so didn't want to get married. He proposed of his own volition a few years after that and we are happily married.

Not everyone wants marriage op men and women we are all different.
I never wanted to be married i never saw the point in it but thats me.

My sister all she wanted was marriage it happened after she spent 11 year pestering her partner for it huge wedding huge amount of money spent all her way then it all fell apart 3 year later now divorced.
But they was so happy before she said she wished she never done it.

My other sister couldent be bothered if her partner asked or not he did out the blue had a small get together register office nothing fancy been married 14 year i dont think they ever come down from the honeymoon stage since they met in there 20s they are always loved up yuk but its nice to see.

My brother asked his partner to marry him 4 year ago still no wedding she said she is happy the way they are right now and he`s okay with that he said there is no rush but wants her to know there is no one else but her.
They both wear a couples ring.