Partner never wants to get married but I do

[WalkingWavy]

Ok some facts.. My partner (46) and I (35) have been together for 13 years. He has a grown up son who has moved out and lives in his own flat. We don’t have children together but we do have a (mortgaged) house together. I don’t want to have children. I have however always wanted to be married, not necessarily fussed about the “white wedding” but would love to be someone’s wife. Not sure if it’s just because society has programmed me to feel this way. The feminist in me thinks it’s an outdated concept but I just can’t help wanting to have a band on my left hand ring finger and to say that I’m so and so’s wife. My cousin who I’m really close with got engaged a few weeks ago and I’m so thrilled for her, and I love her fiancé too, he’s felt like part of the family for a long time. I’m ashamed to admit part of me is so jealous of her. She has a beautiful engagement ring and has already discussed wedding plans and changing her name etc. Part of me kind of likes that my partner and I are different from everyone else and I know people see us as a strong couple and have stopped asking us when we’re getting married but I just can’t stop the nagging feeling of wanting to be his missus (officially). We love each other and bounce off of each other, he’s my best friend and I know he would never leave me. He’s always said it’s me or no one. He has also said from day 1 that he would never get married so he’s never strung me along in that respect, and to be fair I always said I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be married to someone else. I think it’s all just come up again because of my cousins engagement. Just wondering if anyone else can relate and can maybe help me work through why I want to be married when I am so happy in my relationship

Marriage or not.... After 13 years I'd leave a man who wanted to give half of our home to someone else if he died.

OP: my friends who are long term partners but never married had a wonderful anniversary party to celebrate so many years together. Champagne, speeches, fun, it was very lovely.

If I had a child from a previous relationship I wouldn’t marry either. And in his shoes, even if we did marry I would still leave my half of her house to my Dc. You could leave your half of the house to your nieces and nephews or siblings, if you have them, with the same life interest in the house that he is leaving you.

There isn’t really any necessity for you to marry. As long as you have wills and noted in your medical notes that you consider each other Next of Kin, and have LPA in place, it’s all covered.

Plan a 15 year anniversary party?

I get in trouble on Mumsnet for saying this, but big age gap relationships are often about power imbalance.

He holds the power here.

In the UK there isn’t really any point any more. It was brought in when same sex marriages were not legal, but now they are. Some straight couples prefer CP because of the patriarchal roots of marriage.

I wouldn't have got into a relationship with someone not wanting to get married, and I certainly wouldn't have stayed for 1/2 the house going to his son.

He’s also seen many of his friends marriages end in divorce and cites that we are much happier than they ever were in their marriages.

This is such a bogus argument. Marriage doesn't make a couple split up. If they are going to split, they will.

Latest figures show 42% of marriages fail. But an estimated 70% of long term relationships do.

If his only reason is that it's pointless, I'm not sure why he would be against it.

I sympathise OP, I always knew marriage was important to me too, it's a public declaration of your commitment to each other.
If he doesn't want to get married will he do a civil partnership??
Has he explained exactly does he not see the point of marriage? Is it due to previous bad experiences?
Is what is really going on that he wants to protect his assets for his son?
However you do need to protect your position, for example if one of you were seriously ill, you would not be next of kin and may not be able to make any decisions.
Have you both made a will?
Are you financially protected?
What about pensions etc some pensions can transfer to spouses upon death.
Then there's inheritance tax which(I think!) if everything goes to a spouse you don't pay.
If he has care needs in the future will the house have to be sold to release his share to pay for care home fees etc etc. I don't know the answer to all these questions but as well as a public declaration of commitment to each other marriage also gives you both a legal status and significant protection.
Ultimately if he truly thinks it's pointless.ie irrelevant and unimportant then I think he should get married to make you happy because it's important to you.
However I think there's a high probability he doesn't really think marriage is "pointless" and is fully aware of it's importance but wants to keep assets separate for his son.
I think you are making all the compromises, for example will you regret not having children?

I mean, I wouldn’t bank on the future care home staff sharing your view that being unmarried is something to be pitied, so definitely don’t worry on that account.

@WalkingWavy Do you have your own property?
If you marry, his son will be lucky to get half the house- a lot of children lose their inheritance if their parent marries.
This is what your partner might be afraid of.

No way would I marry and do my DC out of their inheritance.

It’s his son!
It’s not “ Someone else!”

I don’t blame him protecting his son- Imagine that house being left to a wife- she could leave it to anyone!

It’s really honourable of him to leave half to his child, adult child or not.

To think it’s a feminist concept to be married, is outdated. Your rights, especially financial ones, are far better if you’re married. He may know that, he may not.

To protect his son’s inheritance, you could have the mortgage as tenants in common. Then he needn’t worry that you’d profit from it at the expense of his son (as Lynda Bellingham’s husband did at the expense of her two children).

If anything happened to DH I would absolutely not consider remarriage. Regardless of how I felt about a new partner I would never risk my children's inheritance in that way. Different perhaps if you planned kids of your own with him in the future but I can see his point if not.

You can both choose whether marriage is a deal breaker. For him he won't, so do you want him or marriage more?

For what it's worth, if anything happened to my dp, I would never marry anyone else. My children are who my assets should go to. I wouldn't want to be sharing property ownership with a random either. What if it needs maintenance? Would he pay half? Would he object to things like extensions, type of heating etc? All gets rather messy.

You need to have some serious discussions with regards to POAs, health care wishes, assets, pensions, life insurance, long term care, and so on. He's pushing 50 and has a grown child who at this point in time is your partner's next of kin.

You want to be married. He doesn't. You're losing our on the legal benefits of marriage which can protect you in the future.

A lot will probably depend on his response if you ask him these questions about his plans for dispersing assets and so on. But the discussions have to be had so you know where you stand. You know what the will say. But what about all the other things? Have you talked to a financial advisor about this?

I would want a better answer than I don't want to, personally. If he's protecting assets for his adult kid, let him say so.

It’s his son, not ‘someone else’.
He is also right to protect his son.
MN tells women to do the same.

At his age marriage would be an act of utter stupidity unless it was to somebody who was broadly speaking his financial equal.

@WalkingWavy so who have you left your half of the house to?
Not his ds I assume.

No one should marry unless they want to

His wish not to marry is valid

You need to accept this, or move on

If my marriage ended, I wouldn't plan to remarry. I'd want all my assets to go to my DC

To be fair to him, he's always said he never wanted to get married and I think it's a bit outdated( no offence meant) to " just want to be someone's wife"
I've always been Ms, although I did marry and have his name.
Perhaps say you would like a " commitment symbol" ie a ring, to wear on any finger you choose?

This is such a bogus argument. Marriage doesn't make a couple split up. If they are going to split, they will.

It reminds us how much easier it is to split up if you are not married. A will can easily be changed unilaterally so although OP feels secure, her position is not secure and could be changed by him at any time.

Others have pointed out the uncertainty around the costs associated with house maintenance and the fact that any investment in it they they do will ultimately benefit his son.

I'm interested that OP's reasons for wanting to get married do not even touch upon these very valid reasons to want to be married. They also point towards his being aware of the financial implications of getting married and thus unlikely to 'change his mind' to the detriment of his own child.

Sorry OP. I'd encourage you to at least inform yourself of the legal and financial implications and to get the question of maintenance resolved while he is still around to make changes.

@Kittygolightlyy

To think it’s a feminist concept to be married, is outdated. Your rights, especially financial ones, are far better if you’re married. He may know that, he may not.

Marriage is only of benefit to the financially weaker partner. It is not 'better' for the financially stronger party, unless he dies with sufficient assets to trigger inheritance tax.

And even then, it's those who are left behind inherit the net of tax amount ...

Ew

It’s his son, not ‘someone else’.
He is also right to protect his son.
MN tells women to do the same.

I didn't say I agree with all of Mumsnet either. If you worked out the ages they were when they got together they've pretty much built their lives together but unlike a normal partnership, he wants to leave her nothing.
My partner's dad remarried after he was widowed at 50, he intends to leave his estate (including their 800k house) to his wife and leave a lump to his children (20k each). He's had that conversation with his two adult children who thought it was a perfectly normal thing to do. His wife can stay in the house if she wants to or she can downsize/ move to another area. All of their plans are based on a life together with their joint assets and joint money. They've been together for around the same length of time as OP.

I would check that. Before he died my DH put his half of our house in trust for our two DC, to protect it from any future care home fees I may have to incur (and against any future marriage, although that ain't going to happen, believe me). I was told I would be allowed to move house, so long as I protect the amount that made up his half share at the time of his death.

It might cause a problem by only owning half of the house, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I am in a position where I was widowed young, have now adult children and some financial security. According to some posters, wanting to protect what belongs to my children means I don’t deserve any kind of meaningful relationship for the rest of my life. I’d love to be a married person but my husband died so now I can’t be unless I give away what he left us, which obviously I don’t want to do. Not being able to marry is acceptable, but according to some posters I’d be in the wrong just by living with a partner and giving them a lifetime interest in my share of our home.

It doesn’t have to be complicated unless one parter wants to financially benefit from the other. Inheritance should go to children before it goes to partners.