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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner never wants to get married but I do

97 replies

WalkingWavy · 26/02/2025 14:05

Ok some facts.. My partner (46) and I (35) have been together for 13 years. He has a grown up son who has moved out and lives in his own flat. We don’t have children together but we do have a (mortgaged) house together. I don’t want to have children. I have however always wanted to be married, not necessarily fussed about the “white wedding” but would love to be someone’s wife. Not sure if it’s just because society has programmed me to feel this way. The feminist in me thinks it’s an outdated concept but I just can’t help wanting to have a band on my left hand ring finger and to say that I’m so and so’s wife. My cousin who I’m really close with got engaged a few weeks ago and I’m so thrilled for her, and I love her fiancé too, he’s felt like part of the family for a long time. I’m ashamed to admit part of me is so jealous of her. She has a beautiful engagement ring and has already discussed wedding plans and changing her name etc. Part of me kind of likes that my partner and I are different from everyone else and I know people see us as a strong couple and have stopped asking us when we’re getting married but I just can’t stop the nagging feeling of wanting to be his missus (officially). We love each other and bounce off of each other, he’s my best friend and I know he would never leave me. He’s always said it’s me or no one. He has also said from day 1 that he would never get married so he’s never strung me along in that respect, and to be fair I always said I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be married to someone else. I think it’s all just come up again because of my cousins engagement. Just wondering if anyone else can relate and can maybe help me work through why I want to be married when I am so happy in my relationship

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 26/02/2025 15:39

He has told you that he doesn't want to get married, so your next move is to build up a life that you want for yourself. That doesn't mean leave him or end the relationship but to future proof your own life. What happens in the event of you being ill and needing support, can you afford to live the life you want if he walked away in the morning, what things do you want to do separate from him? Do you have a will sorted, who do you want sorting your funeral? I know none of that is something anyone wants to think about, but this guy has opted out of "in sickness and health" so take care of you first.

I was in a long term living together relationship (no kids) like yourself, he also didn't want marriage but when his dad died he started to get a bit teary eyed about what he wanted for his funeral, I told him that was a discussion for his family as legally I had no standing to do any of that. He got the shock of his life because he thought I would be the one arranging and paying for everything. So my advice is to future proof your life for yourself, but i know emotionally it is tougher as you want him to choose you and it can feel like after so long you are not "enough". Take care of yourself OP.

offmynut · 26/02/2025 15:42

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 26/02/2025 14:26

I'm guessing that he's protecting his assets for his son. Marrying you would fuck that up good and proper

Sadly i do agree with this i mean you would want to protect your own assets for your child and if marring someone means they may lose it when im gone i dont think i would marry.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 26/02/2025 15:43

ThejoyofNC · 26/02/2025 14:14

Just start calling yourself his wife. Tell him you want a ring. Change your last name if you like. All the things you are saying you want are easily attainable even without the actual marriage.

That's a bit sad, calling yourself his wife and wearing a ring and changing your name when he says he doesn't want to marry you!

offmynut · 26/02/2025 15:45

MounjaroOnMyMind · 26/02/2025 15:43

That's a bit sad, calling yourself his wife and wearing a ring and changing your name when he says he doesn't want to marry you!

Show quote history

Thats what my sister did and spent 11 year pestering for marriage not good now divorced.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 26/02/2025 15:45

OP, I'd assume he wants to leave half of the value of the house to his son. Would you be able to buy something for yourself with the remainder? If not, it's far better to be prepared now and get somewhere sustainable for you. If anything happened to him and you were in your fifties or older, you could be completely stuck.

He's told you what he wants - no financial ties and no commitment through marriage - so you need to protect yourself.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 26/02/2025 15:49

I don't really get why you'd want to get married either. I might be forced into it for money/tax reasons but I don't see the appeal of being a "wife" or a "missus" which immediately ages you by 20 years and gives you fewer rights in certain countries/makes you owned by your partner. Not to mention being ringed like you're a dog or a cat proudly wearing your collar to show ownership. The whole thing is skin crawling.

Original poster
WalkingWavy · 26/02/2025 15:57

We have a will in place and in the event that he dies first, his half of the house is put into a trust for his son until my death so his son can’t make me sell the house. But I also can’t sell because I’d only get half. We are both self employed and earn around the same amount. When questioned he always just says he’s never wanted to be married and he doesn’t see the point. He’s also seen many of his friends marriages end in divorce and cites that we are much happier than they ever were in their marriages. I think you’re right in that it’s probably all been brought up again because of my cousins engagement. When friends and relatives have babies I’m overjoyed with excitement for them but not one bit of jealousy, however when people get engaged I’m always touch with a bit of the green eyes monster. Deep down I know it’s a bit silly but I can just imagine the future pity in my care home nurse’s eyes when she says “oh you were never married?”

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2025 16:04

@WalkingWavy

Sounds to me as if he's made things clear since Day One. You could try to have ONE final calm conversation laying out why you want to be married, but IMHO they are purely emotional reasons and probably aren't going to change his mind. And when he reiterates his position you're going to have to let it go and learn to be happy with the status quo.

ballettap · 26/02/2025 16:14

WalkingWavy · 26/02/2025 15:57

We have a will in place and in the event that he dies first, his half of the house is put into a trust for his son until my death so his son can’t make me sell the house. But I also can’t sell because I’d only get half. We are both self employed and earn around the same amount. When questioned he always just says he’s never wanted to be married and he doesn’t see the point. He’s also seen many of his friends marriages end in divorce and cites that we are much happier than they ever were in their marriages. I think you’re right in that it’s probably all been brought up again because of my cousins engagement. When friends and relatives have babies I’m overjoyed with excitement for them but not one bit of jealousy, however when people get engaged I’m always touch with a bit of the green eyes monster. Deep down I know it’s a bit silly but I can just imagine the future pity in my care home nurse’s eyes when she says “oh you were never married?”

But the point is, it's important to you. If he doesn't see it as a big deal (therefore pointless), why is he refusing? There must be another reason he doesn't want to. Or does he not know how you really feel about it?

JHound · 26/02/2025 16:19

Do you need to work through it?

It’s fine to want to be married and have a full legal commitment to somebody.

ReadingRubbish · 26/02/2025 16:19

Who would you leave your half the house to? If you would leave it to his son then it would make financial sense to marry. Have you worked out if IHT would be an issue.

Maxorias · 26/02/2025 16:22

ballettap · 26/02/2025 16:14

But the point is, it's important to you. If he doesn't see it as a big deal (therefore pointless), why is he refusing? There must be another reason he doesn't want to. Or does he not know how you really feel about it?

Show quote history

He can see it as both a big deal AND pointless.

If he didn't have children that would be one thing. But with children from a precedent union, the implications of mariage can be far reaching. Clearly he's aware of that.

Or maybe he just doesn't want the headache if you ever split up.

Marriage makes sense if you have children together and one of you sacrifices earning power to care for the children. But that's not your case.

GrantMitchell · 26/02/2025 16:27

Namechanger385u4p · 26/02/2025 14:11

Well i suppose he did say early on, personally i would never compromise so wouldnt have even gone out with him. He's having his cake and eating it a bit.

Does he not want to marry from a ££ perspective? I suppose it depends how important it is to you, i would rather be single than be with someone who wont marry me

Why does it seem like having his cake and eating it to you? He was open at the start, didn’t “future fake” and they have no shared children.

Not being goady, I’m just interested as I’m unmarried, live with DP, no children, own home together etc, and I don’t want to get married. I would be sad if people were thinking I was taking advantage of him somehow!

Owlmama101 · 26/02/2025 16:27

WalkingWavy · 26/02/2025 15:57

We have a will in place and in the event that he dies first, his half of the house is put into a trust for his son until my death so his son can’t make me sell the house. But I also can’t sell because I’d only get half. We are both self employed and earn around the same amount. When questioned he always just says he’s never wanted to be married and he doesn’t see the point. He’s also seen many of his friends marriages end in divorce and cites that we are much happier than they ever were in their marriages. I think you’re right in that it’s probably all been brought up again because of my cousins engagement. When friends and relatives have babies I’m overjoyed with excitement for them but not one bit of jealousy, however when people get engaged I’m always touch with a bit of the green eyes monster. Deep down I know it’s a bit silly but I can just imagine the future pity in my care home nurse’s eyes when she says “oh you were never married?”

I think you can accept you won’t ever get married to DP and still stay with him, whilst also grieving the life you wanted where you get married to him. 2 feelings can coincide with each other.

There will be times where you feel jealous and have down days, but also know it’s not a total dealbreaker (clearly not as you’ve been together 13 years!)

I know a childfree by choice woman who stayed with DP knowing he never wanted kids, she accepted and has a happy life with him but every so often has wobbles for example a friend having a baby might set her off but then she’s fine.

MotionofTime · 26/02/2025 16:31

I'd insist on marriage, OP.

A good friend was in this situation and sadly her partner (of 25 years) died suddenly.

Everything went to his daughter (who he had with a previous partner).

My friend had to move out of her home, and the daughter and her mother moved in.

I don't think she'll ever recover to be honest.

oakleaffy · 26/02/2025 16:56

MotionofTime · 26/02/2025 16:31

I'd insist on marriage, OP.

A good friend was in this situation and sadly her partner (of 25 years) died suddenly.

Everything went to his daughter (who he had with a previous partner).

My friend had to move out of her home, and the daughter and her mother moved in.

I don't think she'll ever recover to be honest.

Why did she not buy somewhere for herself?
25 years ago it was eminently doable as a single person.

It’s much harder now in real terms.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2025 17:07

ballettap · 26/02/2025 16:14

But the point is, it's important to you. If he doesn't see it as a big deal (therefore pointless), why is he refusing? There must be another reason he doesn't want to. Or does he not know how you really feel about it?

Show quote history

To say something is 'pointless' doesn't mean you don't think it's a big deal. In fact it can be quite the opposite. There are plenty of things I think are 'pointless' that I'd never do because they simply aren't for me.

According to OP he actually said "he’s never wanted to be married and he doesn’t see the point". To me that means that he has given it thought and decided it's not for him.

Just because the OP feels it's important for her doesn't mean that he needs to do something that he's decided isn't right for him nor that he has some 'ulterior motive' for not wanting to be married. If OP wants to be married, she'll have to leave the relationship and look for someone who wants what she wants. But considering that they have created what sounds like a good life together, she'd be better off trying to accept his decision and work on adjusting her own feelings.

The 'ruling feeling' on MN when it comes to important life decisions, like having a child, getting sterilized, or moving to Timbuktu (all life altering decisions) is that the person who says 'no' carries the day and that no one should be coerced into a life altering decision. I don't see why it shouldn't be the same for marriage.

Lollypop701 · 26/02/2025 17:13

So you can’t sell without buying his son out… but a house might be too big/too much maintenance or bills on your own. If the house needs maintenance work (not decorating but boilers etc) who pays? Because if it’s just you then his son is benefiting by this when house is sold. If you sell and move there’s stamp duty… who would pay that? How would it work if you need care in later life?

might be over thinking this but that lack of financial control would do my head in!

MounjaroOnMyMind · 26/02/2025 17:16

I do think it's a problem that you'll only have half the house. I know someone in this position now who is elderly and widowed and wants to live nearer her daughters but her husband's will stated that she could live in the property but if she sold up, his children would have half the money from the sale. She's stuck living somewhere she doesn't want to live (she was OK living there before, but is obviously older now) and can't afford to buy somewhere with only half the money.

Icanttakethisanymore · 26/02/2025 17:17

I can see how frustrating this must be for you but if you have explained that it's important to you to get married and he deems it equally important not to get married then you either need to accept it or move on. I don't think you can live your life hoping he might change his mind. You need to be ok with it, or you need to leave. I appreciate that must be difficult though.

Minnie798 · 26/02/2025 17:19

Not wanting to marry is a valid choice. I think you just need to decide whether it’s a deal breaker for you or not.

VenusClapTrap · 26/02/2025 17:24

Does he know this is making you sad?

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 17:30

@Maxorias Aren’t the liabilities of marriage and civil partnership the same?

The starting point for dividing assets on the dissolution of a CP is the same as in a divorce. A civil partnership is treated the same as a spouse if someone dies without a will.

Stai · 26/02/2025 17:36

I think both of you are being reasonable. His views of wanting not to get married are just as valid as yours that you want to be married. You just need to decide if this is a dealbreaker.

Maxorias · 26/02/2025 17:37

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 17:30

@Maxorias Aren’t the liabilities of marriage and civil partnership the same?

The starting point for dividing assets on the dissolution of a CP is the same as in a divorce. A civil partnership is treated the same as a spouse if someone dies without a will.

Are they ? I'm not british, in my country the liability is VERY different. I assumed this was also the case in the UK, which clearly I shouldn't have, so I apologize for that.

In my country civil partnership is essentially a promise to support each other within your means but gives your partner no right to any inheritance or any of your assets, and it can be dissolved unilaterally.

If civil partnership is essentially the same as marriage I'm not sure what's the point of it tbh, but in this case it's unlikely OP's partner will want to do this.