Partner never wants to get married but I do

[WalkingWavy]

Ok some facts.. My partner (46) and I (35) have been together for 13 years. He has a grown up son who has moved out and lives in his own flat. We don’t have children together but we do have a (mortgaged) house together. I don’t want to have children. I have however always wanted to be married, not necessarily fussed about the “white wedding” but would love to be someone’s wife. Not sure if it’s just because society has programmed me to feel this way. The feminist in me thinks it’s an outdated concept but I just can’t help wanting to have a band on my left hand ring finger and to say that I’m so and so’s wife. My cousin who I’m really close with got engaged a few weeks ago and I’m so thrilled for her, and I love her fiancé too, he’s felt like part of the family for a long time. I’m ashamed to admit part of me is so jealous of her. She has a beautiful engagement ring and has already discussed wedding plans and changing her name etc. Part of me kind of likes that my partner and I are different from everyone else and I know people see us as a strong couple and have stopped asking us when we’re getting married but I just can’t stop the nagging feeling of wanting to be his missus (officially). We love each other and bounce off of each other, he’s my best friend and I know he would never leave me. He’s always said it’s me or no one. He has also said from day 1 that he would never get married so he’s never strung me along in that respect, and to be fair I always said I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be married to someone else. I think it’s all just come up again because of my cousins engagement. Just wondering if anyone else can relate and can maybe help me work through why I want to be married when I am so happy in my relationship

Don't do this - it all sounds a bit pathetic

"Inheritance should go to children before it goes to partners."

I usually would agree with this when couples got together later on life.

OP has been with this guy most of her adult life, since she was 22. She's a long term partner. She is living in the house and it sounds like they are paying the mortgage together. She's invested money and a long time here. Adult son lives elsewhere. I think she should get part of what partner leaves if he passed first because she helped him build his wealth.

That's also why they should have all the financial discussions and she should find out if his refusal to marry her when he knows she wants to marry is due to trying to keep inheritance for his son. Also, if something happened and he was incapacitated, the adult son would be the next of kin and that could leave OP in a very bad spot.

No, I didn't mean it was wrong, just that it makes her financially insecure.

It sounds like a head over heart thing? Like you know logically it doesn't matter day to day that your not married and that your relationship is stronger than that of many who are married. But there's a lot of social pressure to (want to) be married and it's seen as more solid perhaps, though meaningless really when divorce is so commonplace. Fwiw we married for legal reasons only after 15+ years together, didn't have a wedding as such, don't have rings, didn't change my name (or he his). I can't even remember the exact year we did it sometimes, it made so little difference.

Sorry you aren't feeling good with the situation Op. I don't know what to say but I thought you might like to see this

Thank you for all the replies. I’m now slightly panicking about my financial situation, I never really thought about the maintainence of the house if my partner passes and what that would mean for his sons half of the house. A lot to think about. We really are genuinely a happy couple and I dont think his reasons for not marrying me are to keep assets or money from me. He knows how much it would mean to me but it’s always been his stance and I can’t be upset at him for not changing his mind.

People suffer from romantic notions, that a baby will cement their love and commitment.
He is mid 40's, 5 years off his child going to uni. Going back to school runs at 50 is madness.
You're not the one for him, now he knows you want different things, the relationship will end or resentment will grow.

I said in my original post I did not want children. And his son is grown up and has a flat of his own. Perhaps you meant to post this in a different thread?

Would he marry if you got a prenup? My husband and I have one - it just has to be fair.

I don’t want to be married. Never have done. DP would like to. We discuss it on a semi regular basis to check where we both stand.

No it wouldn’t change things, for him it’s not about assets or money. He just doesn’t like the “institution” of marriage or that it stemmed from the church. He just doesn’t see the point

With him on that!

How about a civil partnership, you could have a ceremony and the reception but it's nothing to do with the Church

I'm wondering OP why marriage is so important to you and I think you need to investigate this a bit further.

I think his position is completely reasonable. I wouldn't get married again if you paid me. Its an extremely risky thing to do if you have a child who is not a shared child. He's protecting his son's inheritance.

Marriage is only really important in one of two scenarios a) you have shared children and b) he significantly out-earns you. Neither of these applies to you.

It's odd that you're so keen to perpetuate something which has no practical relevance in your relationship when your husband has made it so clear he's against it. If you were financially dependent on him the situation would be different but as you're not it would be an expensive irrelevance.

I think your appetite to get married is more to do with feeling you need to do what everyone else does, as opposed to any genuine practical or financial need.

I think your being really unfair from day one he’s told you he will never marry

Add tbe stress of his divorce and separation of assets.
Life isn’t a fairytale.
I think you are holding onto a pipe dream and you'll lose him.
Take some time for yourself to decide.

Well you can correct him on this score - marriage did not stem from the church.

It’s a practice as old as human society itself, first recorded in around 2000BC, and documented in ancient civilizations like Egypt, India, China, Greece, and Rome - so secular as well as in most of the worlds religions. There’s a reason marriage is important to humans the world over and has endured for thousands of years.

Hppe you can have a rationale conversation with him about this. YANBU. Good luck.

It didn't. Marriage existed thousands of years before any churches did. We had marriage in the UK before we had Christianity.

That being said, civil partnership is an alternative option with most of the same legal and financial implications. Would either of you consider it?

Cross posted!

But yeah, it's always surprising how many people who apparently consider this to be very important haven't invested 2 minutes to google it. Even in just a UK specific context, we had marriage before we had Christianity, and the law permitting secular weddings is almost 200 years old. The vast majority of weddings here are non-religious, and lots of the religious ones have nothing to do with Christianity.

Surely it’s OK not to want to be married? What’s not OK is not discussing it, or changing the goal posts.

It seems like they've discussed it many times.

OP now has to decide if she wants to leave the relationship to find her future DH and baby.

Personally I think it is crazy to jump into a new marriage and a baby, for the second time at 39. It rarely works, babies are stressful, peri menopause is even more stressful, while creating a blended family with teenagers and a toddler. 😨

If it was a first, it would probably be worth it.

Deep down I know it’s a bit silly

Stop dismissing your own feelings as "silly". Your wish to be married is deep. You might not have a nice tidy logical explanation for it but your wish to marry your partner (not just anyone!) is deep. By calling yourself "silly" you are tying yourself to a situation that is making you unhappy. And trying to explain it away as "social pressure", well I'll bet you've experienced "social pressure" to do a lot of other things and you haven't blindly gone along with them, and the social pressure probably hasn't even bothered you much because those weren't things that you wanted for yourself.

He just doesn’t like the “institution” of marriage or that it stemmed from the church. He just doesn’t see the point

Funny how many other religions have marriage and secular people get married too though they don't have to. So his "reasons" are not logical and rational ones either. There's something emotional about marriage for him too. If it really didn't matter to him either way then he would do it to make you feel secure and happy.

I understand that your DP wants to protect his son's inheritance. There are legal ways to do that within marriage. And given the amount of time you have already been together he should want to protect you as well. There are practical implications to being married or not, and if you stay with your partner you need to make sure you understand those implications. Financial ones and also some important decision-making ones as pp have pointed out. What happens if one of you is incapacitated? That happens as people get older, it's more likely to happen to him first but it could happen to you.

As well as the practicalities, there's also something about being willing to make a public statement of commitment. Your DP isn't willing to make that. Is he afraid of commitment? I mean yes he wants to be with you but does he also want an easy "out" in case things go wrong or he changes his mind? Or maybe he's afraid that at some point you will decide you want children and then you will leave him?

I don't know the answers but I do know that none of this is "silly". And you need to figure out what you really want and you need to find out what this really means to your DP. It is all important.