DH’s ‘ex’ sending him strange messages

[Jojo2408]

I want to preface this by clarifying I refer to this woman as ‘ex’ but DH was never in an official relationship with her. They briefly dated for a few months about 10 years ago and had a handful of dates (like 5-6 dates).

DH and I are happily married with children. A couple of months ago, she messaged him on social media, a brief message asking how he was. He showed me the message and immediately blocked her account. A few weeks later, he received another message from a new account telling him she had just come out of an abusive relationship and had children herself. He showed me the message again and blocked her again.

She then made a third account (as if the two previous blocks weren’t a clear message) and has messaged him this morning, a very long message, basically saying they had a special connection and she hasn’t met anyone like him since and she wants to see if he feels the same. She did say she knows they didn’t know each other long etc. and she ‘hopes that your wife is treating you well’.

At this point, I’m starting to get pissed off. She knows (God knows how, as they have no mutual friends and his account is private) that he is married with children. DH was going to block and delete again but I’ve suggested maybe he sends a message to make it clear that he is really not interested.

We are both really baffled. DH says the ‘relationship’ if you can call it that, was really quite insignificant. He was very young and was dating around at the time and they ended things amicably, as he just felt there was no connection there. He didn’t think once about it. I don’t understand how she has clung onto this for so long.

I trust DH wholeheartedly. He has been very open and reassuring about the whole thing and hasn’t hidden anything from me. I did ask him if he downplayed their relationship to me, but her messages confirmed they only knew each other for a short time and she doesn’t ever refer to him as ex-bf.

AIBU to suggest he sends a message and then blocks her again? Or is it better to not say anything?

I would just block… a message will open a line of communication you don’t want

Can he send a really bland message to her saying something innocent like he remembers her fondly - he's happily married now and busy with work and family but it was nice to hear from her.

If she messages again he can ask her to stop messaging.

If she messages again block her

If she messages again say you'll contact the authorities if she doesn't stop

If she messages again contact the authorities.

She sounds a bit deranged and like she's not going to give up making new accounts. Your husband could send a message 'please do not contact me again' nothing else as it might encourage her, then block. Screenshot it, keep it as proof he didn't want any contact with her. If she keeps making new accounts to message him you can report her for harassment.

He should send a short clear message saying he's happily married and isn't interested. He can keep it polite, but make sure he puts in writing that she must stop harassing him. Then, if she continues to contact him, he'd have grounds to report her.

Sometimes people go peculiar when their relationship breaks down, particularly if she has been in an abusive relationship. It's easier to want to turn the clock backwards and reset to the last 'safe' or 'exciting' time of your life, than it is to look into am uncertain and uncomfortable future.

Limerence and being 'the one that got away' is often born from very short relationships, it's often simply that they didn't ever exit the honeymoon phase so all the memories are good. They never really got to know the person (in the way you know somebody after 7 years together) and so they see them as faultless and idolise them. It sounds like your husband was probably kind to her when they were together and that it meant a lot to her. She may also feel alone/unsupported, particularly if she has learned to become very reliant on her previous partner (abusers often do this) she might be afraid of being alone, making decisions on her own or how she will cope and now she's looking for somebody else to step into that role.

I think he should reply once, she obviously keeps making accounts and might continue to do so, he can politely say that he is very happily married and doesn't think of her in the same way. Explain that he won't be replying to any further messages and wish her well. Then continue to ignore.

If she’s just come out of an abusive relationship she’s probably looking back to the last happy and normal relationship (however brief it was) and yearning for that. It’s not necessarily your husband she’s yearning for but just a loving positive connection.

He wouldn’t be unreasonable to send her a gentle message back saying he’s glad to hear she’s managed to leave the abusive relationship however he is happily married so he doesn’t think talking is appropriate or respectful to his wife.

The main thing is that he told you when she did message and didn’t try to hide it.

If you respond, you're teaching her that 3 accounts is what's needed to get a response.

@Anotherparkingthread thank you for that perspective. That does make a lot of sense and helps me understand the situation a little better.

@Cartridgereplace good point, I didn’t actually know you could do that (silly of me probably). I will let DH know how so he can stop future messages.

I really wouldn't recommend responding, just keep blocking and ignoring as she seems a bit unhinged and any response even a negative one will be seen as he's willing to communicate

I find it a bit odd to block her when she sent a general message asking how he is. Does he block anyone who reaches out to him? I could understand if it was a serious relationship and ended badly but if it was a short casual relationship I don't see what the reason would be to block someone. Are you sure there isn't more to it?

She sounds unwell, op. I'd imagine if she's gotten out of an abusive relationship, her head isn't in the sanest place

I'd say that I'm sorry for what you're going through but I don't want any further contact as I'm focusing on my family. Wish you the best, but please don't get back in touch.

I'd be kind but firm. I wouldn't get worked up over it, life is tough and women have been raised to see a man as the ones to save them. Poor thing, but she does need to leave your ds alone, yanbu x

I would normally have said to reply and say he's happily married etc and doesn't want any contact with her, but I've had someone contact me recently and all it did was give them hope of more communication.

I felt I had to reply just to be polite (my DP thought I should ignore) as the bloke had cancer not long after we stopped seeing each other. The minute I replied, he bombarded me with more messages 🙄

She's clearly not giving up though if she's gone to the trouble of setting up 3 accounts and could cause more hassle no matter what you do.

There was a bit more to the message, she asked if the child in the profile was his. He didn’t want to entertain it or provide personal information, so just blocked her.

Maybe I’m a nutter but me personally I’d be sending her a message myself. To say she clearly knows he’s a married man with children and to leave him alone

I agree with this. I'm not one to usually jump on the 'cherchez la femme' bandwagon either.

I can understand him showing you the initial message, for transparency, but why block her? He had the opportunity to shut it down in a reply too, but he didn't do that. It's weird.

No it's not odd.. I haven't done this. Does that make me odd? No. It's personal preference.

Yes. If he’s genuinely unsettled by these messages he’ll do this.

Regardless of why this woman is contacting your husband, the fact she's tried 3 times, using different accounts, is bordering on stalking. I don't think your husband should engage with her on any level. The problem is, if he does reply, no matter how indifferent his reply may be, there is a danger it could encourage her more. To keep contacting someone, using different accounts and not receiving a reply, means that either she's really not very bright to get the hint or she's not quite altogether psychologically.