DH’s ‘ex’ sending him strange messages

[Jojo2408]

I want to preface this by clarifying I refer to this woman as ‘ex’ but DH was never in an official relationship with her. They briefly dated for a few months about 10 years ago and had a handful of dates (like 5-6 dates).

DH and I are happily married with children. A couple of months ago, she messaged him on social media, a brief message asking how he was. He showed me the message and immediately blocked her account. A few weeks later, he received another message from a new account telling him she had just come out of an abusive relationship and had children herself. He showed me the message again and blocked her again.

She then made a third account (as if the two previous blocks weren’t a clear message) and has messaged him this morning, a very long message, basically saying they had a special connection and she hasn’t met anyone like him since and she wants to see if he feels the same. She did say she knows they didn’t know each other long etc. and she ‘hopes that your wife is treating you well’.

At this point, I’m starting to get pissed off. She knows (God knows how, as they have no mutual friends and his account is private) that he is married with children. DH was going to block and delete again but I’ve suggested maybe he sends a message to make it clear that he is really not interested.

We are both really baffled. DH says the ‘relationship’ if you can call it that, was really quite insignificant. He was very young and was dating around at the time and they ended things amicably, as he just felt there was no connection there. He didn’t think once about it. I don’t understand how she has clung onto this for so long.

I trust DH wholeheartedly. He has been very open and reassuring about the whole thing and hasn’t hidden anything from me. I did ask him if he downplayed their relationship to me, but her messages confirmed they only knew each other for a short time and she doesn’t ever refer to him as ex-bf.

AIBU to suggest he sends a message and then blocks her again? Or is it better to not say anything?

@Jojo2408 she sounds very stalkerish and a bit unhinged if you ask me! block and dont respond in any way either by your account or his account. if he makes his account private then she should not be able to find him.

I agree block and do not reply to any messages

Why?

I'm surprised at the number of people suggesting replying saying stop but with information about family life. "I'm happily married", "I remember but ...", "I'm his wife" etc. This is nobody's business, and could present a challenge, be misinterpreted or be seen as sharing. If any response at all, 'Stop contacting me' and block is the maximum. Screenshot it and take it to the police if any further messages. Or just block and report to the police on next message.

Leave it ans ignore or come off Facebook.
Don't engage.....

She's fixated on your husband in an unhealthy way. The making new accounts to contact him clearly shows that.

I would send one very clear message to cease and desist any contact, then no contact ever again and block. Block any further accounts that she tries to use. No response after that.

Don't wish her well, don't chat, don't offer sympathy, none of that trying to dilute the message she needs to understand. It will just encourage her unhealthy fixation. To be very clear he wants no contact ever again is the kindest thing to do in this situation.

If she escalates, notify police.

I agree she has come out of an abusive relationship and is in desperate for comfort, making a nuisance/ fool of herself mode with someone she knows nothing much about apart from the very early honeymoon stages of early dating which makes him seem a comforting prospect.

Don't make more of it than it is yet. I suggest he sends a polite, firm message making clear he is sorry to hear she's had a rough time but is happily married and not interested in reconnection with any past dates, even as friends so good luck for the future but he won't be replying further. That draws a line.

I think people believe blocking sends a clear message but it doesn't, especially when someone is in a confused state. Make your intentions clear then block.

When I've got dodgy follow requests or DMs on Instagram you can block but there is an option to block automatically any other accounts that person opens (assume it recognises Ip or email address) is that possible on Facebook?

So it seems there are 2 camps; message and block, and just block.
I think message first, really clearly, saying not interested and leave me alone.
As this makes it very clear and will provide evidence if you need to get a restraining order or something

I'll hold my hand up and say when I've been in similar circumstances at a very low ebb I've reached out to people from my past. Not 3 times after being blocked the first 2 mind you, so not quite as bad. But I've had my share of mental health battles, and I'll admit I've been as nutty as a fruitcake at times.

Do NOT message him yourself. I would have read that as jealousy, that he himself didn't want to block me, but jealous wife did it behind his back, and I was still in with a chance. I'd have carried on trying to contact him covertly, or 'bump into him' or even his friends.

Do NOT tell her it's not appropriate to message. I'd have read into that that I was still in with chance, that the only thing stopping him was that he'd get frowned upon if he's got found out.

Do NOT tell her he remembers her fondly. I'd have been posting him business cards for divorce solicitors and flipping through the Argos catalogue to pick myself an engagement ring.

If he's going to message the only thing he can realistically say is "I'm happily married and not looking to make friends or re-establish any relationship. Please leave me alone".

Then block her.

If she continues for you take it any further on harassment grounds he will have HAD to tell her that her contact is unwanted.

No no no no no - don't offer sympathy, don't share information (eg I'm married/happy), don't wish luck. That does not draw a line. It opens up a line of engagement. Just say not interested, full stop. If at all.

When I was just married to DH and pregnant with #1 and we were in our mid-30s, he got a long and rambling email from a woman he'd had a fling with when he was 18 and she was 35. So she was in her 50's reminiscing about this young fuck buddy and thought it acceptable to reach out.

I emailed her and said that what she was doing was not acceptable, it didn't reflect well on her or her intentions and that we were married, having a kid and would like her to leave us alone.

She wrote back, not quite apologizing, more sort of "hurt" that she'd been told to bog off. But she did bog off and we never heard from her again.

You can definitely set it so that random people can’t message you. I tried to message someone the other day as someone had recommended her for something, but it wouldn’t let me and said her account doesn’t accept message requests from anyone. I then had a look through my own settings as I’d never seen that, and sure enough there is an option to not let anyone other than friends message you

3 camps actually - message 'stop', message 'I'm married / happy / I remember you / this is inappropriate, please stop', and just block. The middle one is a terrible, terrible idea.

I mean you can do this. It makes no difference in terms of clarity. You've drawn a line and that's what matters, it doesn't matter if you include one or two niceties at this stage.

All the advice when someone is stalking you, and she is stalking him, is absolutely, under no circumstances communicate with them. Avoid all contact.

Being kind is not being kind, this woman knows OPand DH are married with children but that hasn't given her any pause. She has made fake profiles expecially to stalk him, this is in no doubt someone with a problem.

I understand people wanting to be kind but it really isn't a situation to do that in. This woman needs help but not the kind OP's DH can offer. He and OP should stay well out of it and if she contacts again to report harrassment.

I think your DH has done the right thing. He doesn't want to engage with her and he shouldn't have to.

If DH were a woman, everyone would be saying a woman doesn't owe a man from her past any time whatsoever, it was a few dates, that's nothing etc.

That fact that she's created 3 accounts to chase him down strongly suggests he is right not to engage. Whatever has happened to her, granted was surely a shit time, but that has nothing to do with your DH and its not his issue to fix or help with.

"As this makes it very clear and will provide evidence if you need to get a restraining order or something"

Exactly. Hopefully she won't escalate but if she does, it needs to be clear that husband has asked her to stop contacting him.

Trying to be "nice" by asking about her or telling her about his life will just give her hope and she will continue. It's intermittent reinforcement and you don't want that.

Think about it. She's being rude trying to force contact after she's been blocked.

Unfortunately someone that unhinged will misinterpret any niceties. 'Stop' is a complete sentence.

I'd send a short message telling her politely to fuck off.

It's a bit odd to immediately block.

Agree with @BrickBiscuit about the middle option being a bad idea. If there is even a hint of being polite, thinking positively about her etc. then she will not leave him alone. She’ll think he still thinks about her, that he’s not happy in his marriage and that’s there’s even a small chance and she’ll keep trying it. DH has been honest and done the right thing absolutely, but the second a line of communication is opened who knows what could happen. Men can be suckers for a doting woman with nothing to lose and a sob story.

"Fuck off you bunny boiler" seems to nicely cover it

Not sure it’s bordering on, actually. I think it’s there. If I were DH I would screenshot the previous messages, reply to this one stating ‘I have no wish to reconnect and consider your continued messages to be harassment. If you make contact again I will be reporting you to the police.’ Then block her.

If she reappears, he should immediately report.

Thank you so much for all of your insights, it’s been really interesting to see different approaches. I spoke with DH and we agreed a short, firm message and then a block would be the most appropriate way. Something along the lines of ‘not interested, please do not contact me again’ and then he will fix his settings so she can’t send any more messages.

If she is indeed going through some psychological trauma, it might help her gain some closure and move on. And will hopefully stop any future contact.

It's fair enough but the rationale of the middle route isn't about being kind, it's about face saving. If someone is behaving erratically, it gives them the chance to retire with dignity intact rather than be triggered into further odd behaviour or feeling they need to get in touch again to apologise/ explain etc etc .. there's nothing outstanding.