DH’s ‘ex’ sending him strange messages

[Jojo2408]

I want to preface this by clarifying I refer to this woman as ‘ex’ but DH was never in an official relationship with her. They briefly dated for a few months about 10 years ago and had a handful of dates (like 5-6 dates).

DH and I are happily married with children. A couple of months ago, she messaged him on social media, a brief message asking how he was. He showed me the message and immediately blocked her account. A few weeks later, he received another message from a new account telling him she had just come out of an abusive relationship and had children herself. He showed me the message again and blocked her again.

She then made a third account (as if the two previous blocks weren’t a clear message) and has messaged him this morning, a very long message, basically saying they had a special connection and she hasn’t met anyone like him since and she wants to see if he feels the same. She did say she knows they didn’t know each other long etc. and she ‘hopes that your wife is treating you well’.

At this point, I’m starting to get pissed off. She knows (God knows how, as they have no mutual friends and his account is private) that he is married with children. DH was going to block and delete again but I’ve suggested maybe he sends a message to make it clear that he is really not interested.

We are both really baffled. DH says the ‘relationship’ if you can call it that, was really quite insignificant. He was very young and was dating around at the time and they ended things amicably, as he just felt there was no connection there. He didn’t think once about it. I don’t understand how she has clung onto this for so long.

I trust DH wholeheartedly. He has been very open and reassuring about the whole thing and hasn’t hidden anything from me. I did ask him if he downplayed their relationship to me, but her messages confirmed they only knew each other for a short time and she doesn’t ever refer to him as ex-bf.

AIBU to suggest he sends a message and then blocks her again? Or is it better to not say anything?

I was wondering how all these Messenger messages were getting through as he and ex aren't FB linked

As you've now confirmed....his FB privacy settings need locking down

I agree with you. He should send 1 sentence:

I've been happily married for x years so contact with you isn't appropriate. Please don't message me again.

I wouldn't advise messaging her back because saying things like I'm happily married and love my wife sounds like if he wasn't in that situation she would have a chance. There is nothing like someone who cant get the message to cause problems in a happy relationship and she has shown she will do absolutely anything if she can't get the block message form the first go and keeps making contact.

Block block block don't message and if you do don't try kindness she could easily see it as a lead on for something.

I had a man who I tried to be kind but firm to, it was in hindsight one of the most unpleasant things I could have done. It would have been much kinder if I'd have told him he could FO and never contact me again, he kept hoping I'd leave my partner and hanging around trying to cause problems.

She sounds a bit messed up from her abusive relationship and maybe looking back at what they had with rose tinted glasses. I don’t think I would of blocked the first time but yes after three times and fake profiles I would block.

This is what I think too. I think he needs to just keep blocking her as she needs to redirect her focus.

I don't think it would be kind for him to reply, I think that would just let her ideas linger.

She'll come through this phase

(I just helped a friend through it! She focussed on past relationships for a while too and tried to rekindle them)

I would guess she suspects one of her children might be his, there is no other reason to keep up extra contacts. I don't really understand why he wasn't polite but distant "Sorry to great you had a rough time, but good to hear you are in a better situation. I'm happily married, so am not looking to establish any additional friendships."
Plenty of opportunity to block people after being polite.

does he block but not respond? I think everyone should at least send a message

Are you sure it’s not a scam message? How does she have his details, is it on social media? If so I think he can block anyone he’s not friends with from messaging.

There is absolutely no way they are his children! 😂they are a different ethnicity!

I think it's probably a case of it meant more / was more special/ was magical in some way to the woman and wasn't really that significant to your DH. So for his 'ex' your DH was the one who got away who she felt the connection for but that wasn't reciprocated and now she is down and single she has messaged him and is focussing on him. I think this is just a sign she is unhappy and clutching at straws but it doesn't help you. I wouldn't worry about it but a quick message saying I'm well thanks but very happily married and contact isn't appropriate is a good way forwards. Although if you are worried about her in any way I might ignore and log with 111 if it continues.

No. Don't react with a message at all. This is close to obsessive stalking behaviour, and a message from him will only encourage her. Ignore completely, and if it continues, get advice from police or solicitor.

If it was that brief a relationship, can't he just say "sorry don't remember you" then block. If you have to say anything at all.

He needs to block, them immediately tighten his privacy settings so that only friends can message him. Job done. If he won't, you have an entirely different problem

This is a bad idea. Saying he remembers her fondly and it was nice to hear from her is only going to fuel her delusion. I think the best way forward is to block or perhaps send one message telling her he's not interested. If you trust him then she's insignificant but I'd probably be annoyed by this too as she thinks it's acceptable to try and break up a marriage.

Agree he should tighten his privacy settings so only friends can message him

@Jojo2408 Maybe she's just came out of an abusive relationship and she's thinking of a comforting time when life was nice. She probably doesn't remember all the details but in her mind looking back, it was good.

And maybe over the years she's been looking you guys up, as we all do for people we've known over time.

Send a message back and say you're sorry to hear about her situ but you're both happy with life and wish her all the best and leave it at that? 😊

“Hi X this is Y. I am DH wife & he knows I am replying to you on his account. Your unpromted message is to be frank misplaced and unwelcomed. Please know we are happily married & you have no place in our past present or future. We trust you will respect this boundary. Wish you all the best for your own future. Sincerely Y”

Do not respond. Agree with the above poster, responding with "I'm married, I love my wife" or whatever just will make her feel as if she'd have a chance with him if he weren't married. Don't treat her like someone rational because she clearly is not.

I would personally just block. If you MUST say something just be succinct. "Please stop messaging me." block.

I appreciate people think it's polite to message before blocking but this sort of person thrives on getting a response. They aren't rational. You don't owe them anything and indeed, you will be better off not giving them an 'in' to work off of. Ignore, block.

I’m 💯 on team Sassybooklover …
No matter which , what way a person looks at it , contacting someone 3 times creating different accounts each time is unsettling, strange behaviour ! !
Don’t engage at all with her …
The fact she has just come out of an abusive relationship is irrelevant, I’m not being unkind at all , I’m really not , it’s just it has no bearing on what she is doing , trying to force someone to talk to her , that clearly doesn’t want to , so she sets about , creating all different accounts ..
That is not normal behaviour…..

I would personally just block. If you MUST say something just be succinct. "Please stop messaging me." block.

This - though might just go with STOP MESSAGING ME - dropping the please.

Less reponse - less opening given for further communication quicker this will likely go away.

Why didn’t he just reply and say he is now happily married- good luck for the future.

It could be it meant more to her and she's desperate to reconnect but making 3 accounts seems really desperate.

It could also be that it's not her at all.

Either way don't engage. Keep blocking.

You can send Messenger messages to anyone, you can't turn it off whether they're your friend or not.

I have had one or two friends from the past that have done this, it’s weird and uncomfortable and I never know what to say. It happens more often than you think.

If it was an ex I would block as well, it’s the only way to be crystal clear.

How bizarre. Two blockings really should be enough to give someone the picture..
I guess she's at a low ebb and feeling lonely. It was insignificant to your husband, but clearly she had quite a thing for him. There's a chance she was drunk or something, but making new accounts to keep trying him is really out of order. He just needs to keep ignoring her. If things get worse I guess he could tell the police.