DH’s ‘ex’ sending him strange messages

[Jojo2408]

I want to preface this by clarifying I refer to this woman as ‘ex’ but DH was never in an official relationship with her. They briefly dated for a few months about 10 years ago and had a handful of dates (like 5-6 dates).

DH and I are happily married with children. A couple of months ago, she messaged him on social media, a brief message asking how he was. He showed me the message and immediately blocked her account. A few weeks later, he received another message from a new account telling him she had just come out of an abusive relationship and had children herself. He showed me the message again and blocked her again.

She then made a third account (as if the two previous blocks weren’t a clear message) and has messaged him this morning, a very long message, basically saying they had a special connection and she hasn’t met anyone like him since and she wants to see if he feels the same. She did say she knows they didn’t know each other long etc. and she ‘hopes that your wife is treating you well’.

At this point, I’m starting to get pissed off. She knows (God knows how, as they have no mutual friends and his account is private) that he is married with children. DH was going to block and delete again but I’ve suggested maybe he sends a message to make it clear that he is really not interested.

We are both really baffled. DH says the ‘relationship’ if you can call it that, was really quite insignificant. He was very young and was dating around at the time and they ended things amicably, as he just felt there was no connection there. He didn’t think once about it. I don’t understand how she has clung onto this for so long.

I trust DH wholeheartedly. He has been very open and reassuring about the whole thing and hasn’t hidden anything from me. I did ask him if he downplayed their relationship to me, but her messages confirmed they only knew each other for a short time and she doesn’t ever refer to him as ex-bf.

AIBU to suggest he sends a message and then blocks her again? Or is it better to not say anything?

If you do msg.

Write (name) never contact me again in any way or I will contact the police. (His name). No salutation, no info absolute zero plus get his settings locked down.

If someone is behaving erratically, they will misinterpret it as sharing personal information, establishing a relationship, and a chance to look for cracks and find a way in.

It's not face saving though, it's giving someone who is already not listening a chance to misinterpret. Any communication is a chance to misinterpret.

Ive had two stalkers both offline one for over 20 years, it's absolute hell, they will take any, and I mean even FO as a challenge. They think it is you who is confused not them and contact of any kind give the whole imagined relationship more air.

Can your DH take down any social media and start again without photos of him and one of your kids (bad idea in any universe) and a nickname that he can then share with genuine friends?

I take both your points. I had one when I was younger. It was in person, not over SM but a deeply unsettling experience to say the least. I hope yours gets sorted.

You can - I have a Facebook friend I have blocked from sending me messages (long story).

It’s in the settings. You absolutely can control who sends you messages, friend or otherwise.

Here you go. It’s under Privacy and Safety and Restricted Accounts.

You’ll need to click on the photo to see it properly.

Honestly, some people are just unhinged. I have an ex kinda like this. We were together for maybe 3 years on and off but in secondary school! Like even before the Internet really. 😂 Certainly there was no social media or dating apps or anything back then. I’m mid 40s now, happily married and live on the other side of the world - and he still bloody pops up messaging me wanting to talk about the past every few years! He was genuinely a bit unhinged back then and it’s amazing he’s not in prison frankly. I’m very grateful to live in a country far, far away.

I wouldn’t on the surface assume your Dh is doing anything wrong. I’ve never even mentioned it to my Dh that this ex messages me every so often. I can’t really see why I would. I’m not interested in him and I’m not engaging with him and it would probably just make Dh feel a bit insecure (like it is you). I’m very happy and secure in my marriage.

That said, it’s so so easy to find out information about people online. After this ex first messaged me out of the blue, I did google him because I’d forgotten about him until then and I’m nosy. I can see he got married (to a woman his mum’s age, gave me the ick right there!). I can see he runs a street food truck. I found his home address. He has 2 step children and several step-grandchildren. He went to his secondary school reunion. And I can see he recently had cancer because a family member was asking for prayers for him on Facebook. Literally took me 5 minutes to find all that. I’m not remotely interested, but I bet it’s very easy for anyone to get similar information about your Dh if they do a basic search.

He doesn't need to utter a single word to her or write to her. He owes her nothing.

Just keep on blocking.

She knows he blocked the first two profiles so it's pretty obvious he isn't interested.

It's simple. I'm sorry, i dint remember you. Please stop messaging me. Then block

Definitely doesn't sound right , sounds a bit like the start of harassment. She's been blocked twice and yet got another account. I'd write a firm short clear message from your husband, that he is happily married with children and not interested in anyone else. He wishes her all the best and to please not contact him again. If she is of sound mind , she'd be mortified and respect the request. If she continues it's a more serious issue

Numerous posts throughout the thread strongly advise not including this sort of detail in any message.

I think it’s weird that his automatic response was to block. If it was a casual relationship that only lasted a few weeks I’d probably have engaged in a brief catch up along the lines of ‘Glad to hear you’re out of your terrible relationship. All great here - married a fabulous woman, had 3 crazy kids, and got a dog…’ You know, general catch up stuff.

It really doesn’t matter what you would do. If he doesn’t want to reconnect with someone he went on a few dates with a decade ago and her message made him uncomfortable, he doesn’t have to talk to her.

The only weird thing is that someone who has been blocked keeps making new accounts especially to message someone they didn’t even have a relationship with ten years previously.

That’s exactly what makes me think there’s more going on.

When I was married to my ex he used to do the school run most days and a school mum he would chat to at the gate messaged him on FB messenger saying she had feelings for his etc etc. he immediately showed me the message and I replied as me explaining that I have full access to his social media with his full consent and that she knows full well he is married and to Sod off. Perhaps something like that might do the trick

Could it be one of his mates winding u both up?
just with them both sayin it wasnt a relationship as such.

perhaps send the message together with something like, wife and life great, busy with work and kids, he struggled to recall her due to insignificance but then it came to him, thanks for the message and hope she gets settled soon (based on her previous msg)
i would not maybe block at this time, maybe see if she/mates gets the hint from that that ur MR aint playing ball