To consider moving to a smaller town to own a home and commute for 1.5 hours?

[leftorrightnow]

Please help me decide...we are currently living in the capital of the European country we have relocated to. My native country (after 20 years in UK,, hence why i am on here). Two kids, 10 and 8, girl and boy, They are currently sharing a room and they really need their own space. We are in a two bedroom rented flat in a really nice ares near the centre of the city and near the kid's school, which is a really good and sought-after school. DS (8) is thriving in the school, lots of friends and doing well academically. DD (10) is so so, some friend but also a quite a bit of conflict and her class teacher this year and last has been atrocious, we are hoping she will et another one next year but cannot be sure. Suspect most of it is due to her less easy-going personality, and she may be the same somewhere else, but in this class the dynamic in the girls group is not great, so she may also have a chance at a better set-up in a new school.

DH in unemployed and has been for 1.5 years. He is in an industry which is currently in crisis. He is on unemployment support which is quite high in this country, but after the summer, it will run out. If he hasn't found a job in his industry by then, he will need to do some sort of unskilled labour to make ends meet in our current situation with relatively high rent. I would be grateful if you would be gentle and avoid going into this point and start talking about what a shit and lazy husband he is, I have posted on this situation before on a separate thread, (so as you can see I have been and still am pretty frustrated with the situation and no, divorce would definitely not make my life any better) please just take this as a fact and comment on the overall situation. To be loosing patience with DH unemployment more than a year | Mumsnet

Now, what I am wondering is if we should take the plunge and ove to a smaller provincial town, where my sister lives, it 1 hour outside the capital. I would need to keep my job in the capital so commuting would be around 1.5 hours each way door to door. I would need to leave the house around 7.15 to be on time and likely would not be home until 18.30 most nights. This bit really puts me off. What also puts me off is starting over again, just as we have formed a social network here and friends for the kids and us after relocating from London 6 years ago. What also puts me off is that I love living in this city, it is very liveable and cosmopolitan. The literally only reason I want to move is so that we an own a home as we cannot get a mortgage with my husband's unstable income here, but in that town, we could get a mortgage just based on my salary. The kids could have their own rooms and the pet they have been dreaming of for so long.

I am in so much doubt but I feel our current situation is unbearable, there just isn't enough space and we are wasting all out money on rent, rather than paying off a mortgage. So basically, main reason to move would be better economy and more space and stability. Reasons not to move would be a more boring city and life, having to start over, loosing the good school and a long commute for me.

A 10 year old girl should not be sharing with an 8 year old boy. What you want really does not factor into this decision. Move.

I think that commute will drain the life out of you, unless you can work on the train and have it count towards your hours.

If your DH moved industry or got a permanent job, would you then be able to stay in the part of the city you are in, in a bigger place, with the school and social network and lifestyle you like?

I would not make a change with such permanent consequences in reaction to temporary circumstances - I would focus on DH getting back into employment and giving you more choices.

7.15am to 18.30 isn't an unusual commute/time out of the house for people who work in London and don't live centrally, and plenty do longer, so it seems doable to me. It's more of a stress to move the schools, but now's the time to do it, while DS is still young and DD will be switching schools soon anyway and doesn't love where she is. Agree with a PP that you have no choice but to move really, given the room sharing situation. Most people can't afford to live centrally in a capital city, so while it's bound to be a step down, it's not a big depravation and your family will likely be fine after time to adjust.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for wanting to move but I wouldn’t move for a 3 hour commute each day. Couldn’t you move to the suburbs of the town and rent a bigger place there? When your DH eventually gets a job you can reassess your options.

I'd definitely move to get on the property ladder, give the children their own rooms and be near my family. The commute can be some time where you have some you-time especially if it's by train. You could read, audio books etc and let your DH sort the kids out, sort the dinner, cleaning etc so less for you to do
Re the social side you can still go to the city, but you'll also make new friends
Good luck with whatever you chose

please read the other thread, there is no prospect of him getting a permanent job any time soon.

Fairly standard commute in London suburbia. I leave the house 0730 and get home 1945

Yes that is an option. We are considering that. Renting a larger place but for the same rent, so as to not jeopardize savings and create too much pressure if DH takes a lot longer to find work. (Again, I anyone is wondering about this, don't want this thread to be taken over with a discussion of his situation as it is very specific and complex and is what is it and not the point of this post. For now, prospects are it could take a year or more for him to have stable employment again).

We could potentially rent a bigger place but in a less nice neighbourhood further out, but allow kids to stay in their school and just do a 20-30 min train commute to school, rather than changing their school. Side note, in this country primary and secondary school is one, so DD will not need to change.

This would be a short term solution so to avoid making big changes.

Yes I know. Doesn't make it any less draining though and I would also be sad to have so much less time with the kids (no offense, appreciate many people have no choice and good on you for managing)...one of the reasons we left London was to avoid that situation, but we didn't factor in DH becoming unemployed.

thanks...I think that move probably is the wiser choice long term, I am just so scared to make the change and to give up all what we have build here for the last six years. It was so hard to get the kids into their school, and DS couldnt be happier. DD is not perfectly happy, but like I said, she has her own challenges, and I am under no illusion that moving her somewhere else would make everything rosy, especially as she's now in an English language school and would have to transition to the local language (which she of course speaks fluently but cannot write/spell, doesn't know grammar. For sure she'd be able to pick it uo quickly, but the transition may not be easy.)

we could also move to a suburb with more like a 1 hour commute door to door, but we wouldn't know anyone there and would get less for our money. That's why i think if we move we may as well go that little bit further and be near family and get a bigger/nicer place (wouldn't be amazing with our budget regardless, but decent enough in that town)

I think I know that..just thinking of how. Unemployment is no one's choice.

yes you are right and it would be by train.

A 1.5 hour commute is insane. 3 hours a day with young children!? Why did you leave England if you don’t mind me asking?

It's not 'insane'. Plenty of people do this who work in London but live elsewhere. I've been doing it for 8yrs and it's fine.

well, depending on when I would get the train, on a good day, it could be just 1 hour in the morning door to door, and sometimes home too (there is one fast train an hour which takes only 40 mins, but all others take 1 hour. So for the morning I could likely catch this train, but going home it would be more tricky to always catch the same train as my job entails unpredictable tasks).

We left London because we were in a crappy rental flat which was still expensive (rental flats here are of a better standard, it is to do with building regulations, if around same cost) and I hated my job and couldn't find another one, and DS, then a baby, was colicky so I got insomnia and was pretty much having very bad mental health, so needed a break (which I got by us moving in with my parents for a while as I looked for a job, back then DH had one right away). Also, the whole stressful school situation in London with trying to get into a good school and all that (in this country there are no ratings and most public schools are considered just fine, and private schools are heavily state subsidised so you can often afford them too) we couldn't really afford a mortgage anywhere not very far out (as far as this prospective move, ironically) but we would have been able to in this country, if DH hadn't become unemployed. Finally, DH is not British so we had no family around, whereas we do here.

yes that's the thing. I know a lot of people do! and maybe I just have to face that too and it will be okay

Leaving at 7.15 and getting back at 6.30
is very normal

I would move

the difference is that a lot of people who do that commute are really happy to live where they live, so it makes the commute worth it. If you don't even like where you'll be living, then that's an issue and you don't want resentment to build.

@Greenwallpinkwall to add, I absolutely love London and miss it a lot, but it is not a place to raise a family unless you have a very comfortable financial situation.

Have you factored in the costs of the commute?

yes that is the thing. I think I have to clarify my feelings for that place. I don't think I hate it - my parents live there too and we lived there with them then first time when we moved back home. It is a calm provincial town, around 50.000 people live there (this is a smaller country so it is not a tiny town but not exactly a city either), it has all amenities you would need, and river and forest around it and 15 mins drive to the coast. I did not grow up there, it is my parents home town and they moved back there after I left home, so I don't know anyone there, but I have known the place all my life, coming to visit my grandparents there. So it is not really a random place. So I know it well, and I know I find it quite boring there. People are generally very reserved (they are overall in this country, but the further from the capital you get, the more so). But I do love the nature around it. But I bloody hate the commute. When we stay with my parents in the breaks and only I have to work, DH stays there with the kids and I then do the commute and I have to say I find it so exhausting. But maybe it is because I am not doing ot on a regular basis.

yes it would still be a lot cheaper there. It is a non-fashionable part of the country. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is how it is. The town is considered less fancy than other towns the other direction from the capital (also as train connections slightly less ideal) and in equal distance and that is reflected in property prices.

thanks for all your input, it is fascinating how differently we all view commuting distance!

I also fear that if we took another rental further out, expecting DH to get a permanent job at some point and then to be able to get a mortgage, that is a lot of pressure to add to the situation and if it did not work out, we would have just postponed the inevitable.