To be loosing patience with DH unemployment more than a year

[leftorrightnow]

DH has been on and off unemployed since September 2023. He works in an unstable industry and has always only had freelance gigs, but prior to Covid, work was continuous and he never really was without work. Since Covid and relocating to my home country where there is a lot less work in his industry, he’s been having a lot less gigs. Since September last years he’s worked for a total of around 5 months! My income is stable and high enough that we can manage, but we are renting a two bedroom flat with DC’s 9 and 7, and really need more space and for them to not share a room as they’re also a girl and a boy, with DD being the oldest and really starting to need her own space.

Im convinced he’s depressed, not surprisingly, he’s grumpy and withdrawn most the time. He more than pulls his weight w the household and the kids, does all pick ups and drop offs and cooks all meals and takes care of most of the cleaning.

he is constantly looking for gigs in his industry but there’s nothing in this country.

Now, I’m just at breaking point now. I can’t see how this situation can go on. Every time I mention retaining, he gets defensive and says that something will come up in his industry, and that he isn’t smart enough to retrain as something else. Also he doesn’t speak the language well enough to do all education offered here, and I do understand that he’s moved to my home country for my sake and that this is a big part of the reason for his unemployment. He also says I just want him to go and be a taxi driver or whatever. (As if that was so bad). I feel sorry for him that’s he’s depressed, he’s also had family bereavement in these last tor years which hit him hard. I’m trying all I can to remain patient and support him, but one days, like today, I just feel like telling him to get his act together and do something radical to get a job, maybe yes go and be a taxi driver or work in a supermarket, whatever it is to get a stable income! I’ve said this to him several times and he just becomes angry.

He isn’t spending a lot on himself, buys no new clothes or gadgets or anything, and he gets unemployment support for now but this will end next year as he has been on it for too long.

Please don’t tell me I should leave him, I don’t want to, as I do love him and the kids do too, and tbh, I would be worse off without him, as I couldn’t do my current demanding job being a sole parent, and it’s not like he brings in 0 income. I don’t want to breakup our family.

Any suggestions for how I can handle my own growing resentment towards him, and support him better/get him motivated to make a change?

I understand the situation he is in, but he's not understanding your situation. He needs to get something, anything that brings in some money. He's basically a SAHP and sounds like he's doing a great job at it, but if that's not how your family set up will work then he needs to do something about it. You need to have a breaking point chat with him.

I think you can rationalise your resentment by trying to step into his shoes and maybe acknowledging that moving to a country with unstable job situation and without language proficiency was not a smart decision. And this is a decision you took as a family so you are both responsible.
When I was faced with a similar decision, my partner at the time sat down with me and laid it in black and white that, yes, our quality of life will be better providing we have the same level of income. But we won't have the same level of income because 1. the salaries are lower 2. he doesn't speak the language and 3. his skills are only relevant in a narrow industry and getting a job in my home country will be next to impossible. He had the presence of the mind to say no to avoid us getting in the situation you are in.
On a practical level, he could probably at least take some language classes. But I doubt it will solve anything in the short term.

Well, the thing is that we are in a better situation in all ways but for his job situation. I have a much better paid job, we live near family, and the kids are in a great school which is free. We lived in London before and were really struggling, the local school they’d have gone to was not good, and we were both working long days. He’s not British, so none of us has family around there either. There’s literally a war in his home country, so going there is no option (another reason he is depressed). I keep asking him if he wants to move back to the UK, but he says he won’t, and with Brexit, moving back would be tricky too due to the need for working visas.

Sometimes I do wonder though if we should move back, but he rejects the idea every time I mention it. The kids are doing very well here too so none of us want to rock their boat too much.

But I also recognize that this situation isn’t sustainable. The challenge is though that there’s currently high unemployment in his industry in the UK too, so even if we lived back, he may not be able to get a job there either, and then we’d have done it all for nothing. I guess I also just don’t want to move, it was so hard when we did it six years ago, I just can’t face a big relocation again. Thanks for reminding me though how much I actually want to live where we are now and that maybe I should just be grateful he’s come here with me for my sake.

How much thought/planning did you give to his career prospects when you were planning your relocation? I (as sole earner in our household) understand the pressure and how exhausting it can be but last time we moved it was primarily for my career prospects and I would have absolutely no justification to be telling DH he wasn't doing enough to earn if I'd moved him away from where he could work to somewhere where he couldn't.

Also wondering how much thought you've given to how you'll manage/cover childcare and housework if he returns to work and you have to step up more at home.

To be honest this reads a lot like a mirror image of so many threads where women have been effectively rendered unable to progress in their career by their husbands moving them to somewhere suitable for his job, dumping all the housework on her, and are then punished for not bringing in an income. The response there generally is 'tell him to do one'...

When he was/is working we share the housework and childcare 50/50. That is not problem at all for me. All I mean is I couldn’t do 100 pct if he wasn’t around at all and still do my job. He only does more now because he has a much more time. It’s also not like he does 100pcr it’s more like 60/40 in his favor when he doesn’t work. I do al
laundry and homework w kids and put them to bed 100 pct of the time, for example.

we did discuss his job situation if we moved and he said this could likely happen. But I was suffering from post natal depression and insomnia at the time and hated my job, and all I wanted was to escape London and return to my home country and tbh I don’t think I was thinking straight at the time. He agreed to it I think because he could see how desperate I was. Thanks for reminding me! This is really helping me see all he’s done for me and how much he must love me. I feel bad for being angry at him now.

You haven't said what he does but is there anything online he could do? So if he has a degree could he do a bit of online teaching. You mention him retraining again you don't say what country you are in but is there any opportunity for online education. In UK there's the open university and maybe there's an equivalent? He does sound depressed and it does sound like he does a lot with your children and in the home. Is that not enough? He's effectively a SAHP and he's facilitating your career. What would you do or how would you manage if he worked outside the home?

To be honest he’s right if there is a language and cultural barrier when it comes to retraining. It’s much easier said than done doing that in a foreign country.

If he DID hypothetically get a job as a full time taxi driver or another unskilled role, you’d have to 50/50 the school runs, child care, cooking, cleaning and life admin. So it’s also what you’d lose in terms of having to do more instead of just what you’d gain financially.

I was looking for work for 18 months after covid. Yeah it was depressing especially that right before my unemployment was made redundant after 3 months of work. The Covid came and nobody was doing events. The market was DRY. I spent hours and hours applying for a job. I tried to move to other related somewhat jobs but as a specialist in my field I didn't stand a chance. And I didn't have a wife to help me or a husband

My advise is : support him. As long as he applies, tries- SUPPORT HIM. We are living in a weird times where it is really hard to get a job in many fields.

Yes he’s looking into online training.
The thing is I don’t want to be that “mirror image” someone else mentioned. I don’t want to be the selfish person just focusing on my career and leaving all the household and kids stuff to my partner, who steadily becomes more and more depressed and lonely. I want for him to be happy and fulfilled! I just wish there was a way for him to be so in this country (Northern Europe).

but if not, I think maybe we should move for his sake. But I think he’s so depressed now he doesn’t have the energy to suggest a new destination and he’s also worried if things wouldn’t turn out well there, I’m sure, as so many things here are going well. The kids got into a school which is great and very hard to get into, and are thriving, and that’s hard to give up on.

What a tricky situation OP. I'm sure if he got even a short contract in his line of work he would perk up and then be more open about future plans. Is there any opportunity for him to go away to work? So maybe a four week on four week off contract? I have no idea if those contracts exist on his line of work though.

I was in your situation in 2008 and to be honest a major move did make all the difference. As in a 12,000 mile move.
Sometimes you have to chase the money

The only caveat I would add is that I wish I’d sent him ahead of us to set everything up and get work organised. We relocated over lock stock and barrel as a family and that was actually a mistake.

You are being utterly selfish here.
He relocated to a foreign country where he does not understand the language and by your own claim he is pulling his weight at home. It is unfortunate that his industry is not as thriving in your home country. Surely that must have been taking into account when deciding to relocate?
You should carry on supporting him for as long as it takes.

Oh how interesting! How old were your kids at the time? My main worry is them settling somewhere else. They have such a god life now, a good school, friends, grandparents around, cousins…a stable and safe country. The only problem they face is a smallish home. BUT ending up w a long term depressed father could seriously impact them too, I get that. I’m just so scared to move and what if they didn’t thrive in the new place? And they’d for certain have no extended family around, as none of the countries where DH scattered family lives are options for various reasons. For myself, as long as I could get a job, I’d be fine, I’d give up on my career here in a heartbeat if I knew DH and DCs would thrive in a new place.

Absolutely this
Op , what happens if he does get a job?
Who is going to do all the pick ups, drop offs, domestic duties etc?
it is not as though he spends lavishly
I actually think that you are being rather selfish tbh.
If your post was written by a man , posters would come down on him like a ton of bricks

My kids were 12, 10, eight and two at the time. I took one of them out of one of the best grammar schools that I’d been working towards a place for since they were four.
She still ended up at a top university with a first.

Obviously, there was some upheaval.
But it fundamentally comes down to how strong a team U2 are when they’re going is good. Do you love him? Does he love you ?
Do you have a good marriage? Can you trust him to go ahead of you for six months to secure a house car etc?

i appreciate that and thanks for the reminder, the thing is though I had this job when he worked too and we managed just fine. As mentioned before it’s no problem for me to do 50/50 but I couldn’t do 100 pct and keep this job.

as mentioned before my main worry is also that he’s unhappy and not thriving. I want for him to be happy and fulfilled and not an unhappy stay at home partner just supporting my career.

Very difficult, it's so hard when what's best for one person doesn't match what's best for the rest of the family.
It does seem sensible to stay in a location where you have family support but if your partner is unable to work or understand the language it's going to be incredibly difficult for him to settle here.
If he doesn't want to return to the UK, which at least has some familiarity then I'm not sure what your options are. A move to a totally new place is quite a risk, especially with kids - can you afford the expense of moving to a new place, in my experience its not cheap.
I do think that he should do some other work in the meantime whilst he waits for a gig to appear, he could always quit his job immediately to take up any gigs that might come his way. Staying at home will probably not be great for his mental health, even part time work could help give him some structure back and might give him more confidence in interacting in the country/language.

Op, what is his industry? I ask because I suspect he's in the arts? Maybe he could take up a hobby to help his depression and also make contacts?

As some previous posters have said, he's a decent husband. He's providing you with a clean home, childcare all sorted, and he cooks. He's moved to your home country for you and, unlike a husband on another thread, pulls his weight and presumably doesn't spend his time burping loudly

You don't say that you want him to work so that you could stop working? Is your life okay? Are you enjoying work and being close to your family etc?

If so, and it's solely that you want him to work so he can be happy, I'd stop worrying and enjoy where you are now.

You've got free childcare, you're in your country, when you get in the door the place is clean and hes cooked a meal for you.

There's worse husbands out there - give yourselves both a break and enjoy the life you have

All I'd do is set some goals. Ie, if he's not working by this time next year (or whenever) something needs to change. He should seek therapy for his grief of his country and family member 🥺

The kids can still share a room. Maybe you can use imea furniture to create a separation for the two of them? Ie, kallax shelves

Don't blow the decent situation you have by pushing him too hard, op. Things dont sound so bad x

Oh wow you moved with FOUR kids!? Amazing, very brave.
id say we are a good team but due to a tough time around our second child’s birth followed by a difficult move and then followed immediately by Covid and unemployment and family bereavement and a war in his home country (wow when I list it all it does sound like a lot but it’s all true), we’ve had a rocky timenif it in the last years. We’re currently having couples therapy and I think it’s helping a lot. I would of course trust him to go ahead and set up everything in a heartbeat. He’s very loyal to me and the kids, just look at how he omnibus to a county where he knew he’d have little chance of a career and where he’s no big fan of the culture or weather and doesn’t even speak the language. I trust him 100 pct except he has a tendency to drink a bit too much but I think it’s due to his depression so if he was in a new place where he wanted to be and was excited I don’t think that’s be an issue.

As a UK resident I know in the 80s there were men in certain industries that had severe uncertainty. My parents had obstacles like this, and DP and his family had the same issues. Everyone stuck it out despite these problems persisting for over a decade. Post covid there are some industries that have collapsed and others that are contracting.
DP for instance has seen his domestic business enquiries drop significantly after May this year. Profits are down 50%. I'm willing to support indefinitely with no catches. However, he is prepared to take a side step if it looks terminal.

The world economy is unstable post covid, with some winners and losers.
I'm inclined to ride it out...
In for a penny in for a pound..

He’s moved to a country where he doesn’t speak te language and work in his field is scarce. He does the majority of the SAHP work.

I think you need to cut him some slack.

Can he do some intensive language learning? Could he work back in his own country for say, 6 months a year?

Because unless you both do something to help him find his own way in a foreign country, I think you have to suck up being the breadwinner.

Aw thanks for this perspective! You’re right! The thing is sometimes I get so preoccupied with what we Don’t have. Most people in know are more affluent and own their homes and go on more holidays etc et., and I get all obsessed wanting that too. But I should be better at seeing what I already have.

He’s in media/arts, yes

Yea you’re right. It’s all we can do isn’t it…stick it out and support each other