To cut off a friend for saying “you only have one mother?”

[ThatFancyExpert]

A friend said this during a discussion about my relationship with my mother. I found it dismissive and invalidating. Just because someone is your mother, does that mean you have to tolerate a bad relationship? Or am I overreacting?

This is coming from someone who doesn’t talk to her dad and has said she won’t even go to his funeral - she plans to just send money to her siblings as her contribution instead. AIBU to find her comment hypocritical and unfair?

YANBU at all OP

You only have one, so it’s especially tragic when she’s rubbish.

Don’t let it get to you- she perhaps meant it as an ‘are you sure?’ rather than ‘I think you are wrong’.

YANBU. I also have no relationship with my dad and find it a similarly dismissive and invalidating comment.

I also bet no one says 'you only have one daughter' to him!

It's a bit extreme to cut her off. If she was generally a rubbish friend and continually dismissive, then fair enough. Do you not value your friendship with her much? If one comment can cause you to cut her off entirely... it doesn't sound like it.

The type of person who says 'you only have one mother' is someone who was lucky enough not to have a mother like mine or yours!

This. And if she doesn’t get it, she’s not a friend. You are not alone.

What over one comment. That's her opinion. She doesn't have to agree with you all the time. Why does she have to 'validate' your feelings

She very hypocritical.

If she's been an amazing friend till now then maybe stay friends but just don't talk about parents and keep that boundary. Especially if you're in the same group. But I think it's unlikely this is her first offense so of course you can break up wit her

I cut ties with my mum when I was in my 30s. Never regretted it.

I get where you're coming from but could it have been meant as a 'hang fire, be sure before you make a permanent decision. I know what it's like to cut ties with a parent and it's not nice'? We don't know the tone or context.

I would find this irritating, but not worth cutting someone off over. Maybe it was a thoughtless comment or maybe she thinks you're being rash. But you can't expect friends to agree with you and validate your feelings at all times.

Me too. I remember a colleague saying this and rubbish like 'You'd miss her if she wasn't here"

No I wouldn't. My mother was horrible to me and my sister. I don't know why she had us. We were both happy when she died and haven't shed a tear. We don't mark any of her dates either.

I also hate all the gushing stuff you see on Mother's Day.

Not everyone had a lovely mum.

I would have called her out on the hypocrisy.

But yes, as someone who is NC with her mum because of sexual abuse and her exposing my children to a sexual abuser, I probably wouldn’t have much time for a friend who knew the full story of my family and acted like such a twat.

In a way your friend is right, you do only have one Mum but in the same way she will have only has one Dad. She clearly hit a nerve with her comment and upset you. Family relationships are often complicated and not always straight forward. I don't think you need to cut her off - not if she has been a good friend to you. Maybe the two of you can agree not to agree.

Unless you have more issues with this friend, cutting them off just for this for one comment is very unreasonable. It's a knee jerk response and it sounds also like you may have overreacted just going by what you have said in your Op. Plus your urge to "push away" sounds like a fight/flight response, That usually happens when we at "triggered", so maybe think about what is happening here and why you have reacted so strongly to this.

Given that you imply you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you could have attachment issues that can cause this type,of strong reaction. Worth taking a look at if you haven't before.

YANBU

I gave distanced myself from my mother, she had been an awful mother. I am her only child and she is very lonely

I am aware how many people can’t accept this so I am careful who I speak to about our relationship as I don’t want to explain myself

If you can't cope with someone saying a well known phrase without feeling invalidated and dismissed you can't be friends any way so cut her off as you wish. It boggles me though how people need to feel validated to that extent and expect other people to agree with them and be beyond reproach. People are contradictory and inconsistent. We all are. It doesn't make us unworthy hypocrites who must be cut off to preserve your fragility so you can only be exposed to people who nod along.

I wouldn’t take it to be dismissive at all. I would take it to mean “it’s a shame we only get one mother”, like we can’t change who they are, we just have to work with what we’re given.

What she said was a factual statement. I don't get why you are so annoyed. Depends what the discussion was about.

Very hypocritical of her, silly mare. I do find the amount of people who just don’t get it and say shit like “bUt YoU oNlY hAvE oNe MoThEr” so therefore should put up with all sorts of crap and forgive everything just because that person happens to be your mother soooo fucking irritating. I’ve heard it loads. Even by people who themselves have terrible parents but choose to put up with them.

It entirely depends on the context and whether she's otherwise supportive. Cutting someone off just for saying those words is extreme.

My mother was frankly a terrible mum, I set firm boundaries that she responded to by cutting off contact, and when she died in my early 20s I hadn't seen her in several years. I don't regret how I handled that despite being sad about how it all worked out, so I'm certainly not on the "no matter what they're your parent and you need to just keep accepting shit" side of these conversations. But I also have gone through difficult periods with my father and I'm glad I put far more effort into making that relationship work than I would have with just about anyone else in my life, because ultimately he is the only parent I have and that makes it different than other relationships.

Not when they're abusive, we don't.

If that’s all that happened then YABU but she’s probably better off without you. Cutting her off for one comment you found invalidating is extreme.

Fair enough to be annoyed and upset, but not to go round "cutting off" friends over an ill judged comment. She wasn't being deliberately unkind. These things are part of friendships, friends aren't perfect. Don't expect perfection, accept she's only human and move on.

At 51 years of age last year I had enough of my narcissistic mother and told her I won't be talking to or seeing her again. All my friends thought it was the best thing I could have done seeing as my mental health was in the gutter. I don't blame you in your actions and your friend probably doesn't understand how bad things have to be to do this. It's not a silly fall out it's years of mental torture and trying to be a good daughter. You could always flip it and say surely it works both ways. Your mother only has one you but she doesn't care about risking your relationship.