To cut off a friend for saying “you only have one mother?”

[ThatFancyExpert]

A friend said this during a discussion about my relationship with my mother. I found it dismissive and invalidating. Just because someone is your mother, does that mean you have to tolerate a bad relationship? Or am I overreacting?

This is coming from someone who doesn’t talk to her dad and has said she won’t even go to his funeral - she plans to just send money to her siblings as her contribution instead. AIBU to find her comment hypocritical and unfair?

Yeah not quite getting it either - it's a silly comment? Were they having a bad day or is there some long backstory of her being unsupportive?

@ThighsYouCantControl sorry to infiltrate the thread, but where does this jumbly letters thing come from “bUt YoU oNlY hAvE oNe MoThEr” ? I've seen it a few times.

I was told repeatedly how I only had one father, and how I'd regret not seeing him if he died.

I didn't.

Pps' are right, the "you only have one..." brigade are usually blessed with reasonable parent(s).

Context is really important here.

I cut a friend off for saying something similar. This was after me telling her about the appalling abuse I suffered at the hands of my parent. Bad enough that we probably should have been taken into care.

I disagree.
I only had one mother and she fucked that beyond all recognition of “mothering”

So saying “you only have one mother” is just a fact, there is no judgement, no implication of hypocrisy there.

If a friend that knew my history said it to me and I know they had a shit parent too so understand the mixed up feelings of it, if I were to read between the lines without assuming they are a horrible hypocrite, I would think that the intended meaning would be more likely to be you only have one mother, you didn’t get the mother you should have had and deserved and there is NO ONE that can fill the hole of a mother that never was. Handhold and hug moment.

I think you’re overreacting tbh. She’s not wrong - factually. If she’s your friend, perhaps she was just offering her perspective. I expect she felt she had your best interests at heart; as your friend. I don’t think friends are mind readers so maybe she didn’t fully see the depth of the issue you feel; I don’t think that’s reason to cut her off. If she has been nasty or not a friend then fine; but I don’t think her offering her perspective to you, as a friend, is rational grounds for cutting her off. Friends can sometimes hold views that oppose our own and this is such a personal thing that nearly everyone has a different experience of.

I’m really surprised at how many people seem unaware of the loaded nature of the statement here. It does, admittedly, depend on context, but generally speaking people don’t say ‘you only have one mother’ purely as a statement of fact. Because we all know that’s the case. It would make as much sense as pointing out that the sky is blue. It’s far more likely that the phrase is being used as a way of implying that the OP should just make the best of it because she won’t get a better alternative, which is how the phrase is usually used. I think it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest that the friend was just ‘pointing out a fact’ or expressing solidarity. But hey, who knows.

I wouldn't ask a one off, maybe talk to her and tell her how it made you feel

If she dismisses you, says your over sensitive etc then bye bitch

However if she listens give a last chance

It's possible there was a misunderstanding. As others have said, she might have actually meant something like "I sympathize with you because there's no second choice on mothers when the one you got is such a huge disappointment."

Otherwise, yeah, it does seem like very self-centered, rat-like behavior to me. Especially if you've lent an understanding ear to her about her situation with her problem parent, only for her to turn around and dismiss your similar situation with your problem parent.

But if you like her aside from this incident, I'd at least have a conversation about it. See if she meant something other than what it seems like, or if she maybe just had a derp moment there and apologizes after further discussion.

But if you don't like her that much anyway, maybe it's better to take it as a convenient ending place. Good luck with it.

It's true, but not everyone has the same experience with their mother.

Terrible flippant comment as I am sure that she is aware of the details.

I would have an honest discussion with her before throwing away the friendship.

Fucking hell, typical MN - cut someone off, go no contact and never speak to them again because they said something that you don't agree with 🙄

Sorry, but I think this is totally mental. YABU

See 'you only have one mother' sounds like a silly cliche to me, rather than loaded. It's as deep as any slogan on a card.

Fair enough. We all have different experiences, after all. I suppose I’ve just had this said to me once too many times myself and know how hurtful it can be. Only OP really knows the context and I shouldn’t project.

Its hypocritical of her to say it considering she is NC with her own father and rather rude and insensitive of her if she knows your history

Its a guilting statement and i hate it, heard it since i was 15 about my own father. My response was 'if you think he so great, go live with him and cop the same crap i did'

Cutting her on this time, maybe not, say it again, for sure, snip snip byeeee.

to someone who has been abused or neglected it comes off as

"suck it up, your abuse is not relevant, thats your parent and they can do as they wish and get special treatment'

No, we don't.

Clearly somebody gave birth. But that's it for some. I don't only have one mother, I never had a mother.

But it’s true - you only have one mother. Take it from someone who is a terrible relationship with her mum and Imwhen I left home I barely contacted her. But - with saying all of that she’s my mum, she had me and she stuck around. I love her from a distance as she can be quite toxic but I’ve learned how to protect myself and over the years she has calmed down and respects that I’m a grown up too.

There are people that yearn to know their biological parents - and whenever I hear that comment, I interpret it to mean that - we only have one biological mother - we are in a lucky position to know who they are at least - but unlucky for having the poor relationship. Yes, we only have one biological mother but we can adopt other mother figures along the way.

But aren't plenty of these silly cliches hurtful to someone, in the same way that special days, Christmas etc can evoke pain when they aren't supposed to really.

But yes, if the dear friend is using a silly cliche to shut op up then of course ditching or distancing is what most people would do.

I'd say it could've been to express concern for you if you fully cut your mum off. If she's estranged from her dad she may have a very close relationship with her mum, and fear it could be even worse for you to exclude her completely. Obviously she could be very much mistaken.
I don't think you should fall out with your friend over it. Have a healthy adult conversation about why you know that's the case, but you have your own valid reasons for cutting contact. Or if you'd rather not go into it further just avoid speaking about it with her.

What an overreaction. So she was hypocritical ? So call her out on it. Say "that's rich, coming from someone who won't go to her dad's funeral. You only have one father, right ?"

No need to turn it into drama.

Well, did you ask her what she meant by it? Did you have a conversation about what to do with difficult parental relationships and how you decide if you need to cut them off? Because you do, in fact, only have one mother and tha5 is a relevant fact. Why would you go straight to cutting off a friend who says so?

I'd say my DIL would disagree there;her mother was a addict who was neglectful and chose abusive men over her children's safety.

My DIL was removed from her care aged 11.

She's been raised by her stepmother from 11 and then also by myself from age 16;she has two other mums who aren't biologically related but we both love her like she's our own daughter.

Is it possible your friend does not agree with your reasons? Or think they are serious enough? Is she being a good friend in fact, by being honest with you? I encourage honesty in all of my relationships, so would welcome a different view and to consider another angle.

Your extreme reaction to her suggestion does rather highlight you are unable to tolerate a different view, surely if you were making the right decision it would withstand some scrutiny?

I don't really get what people are trying to get at with the 'you only have one mother' comment. Because you can't have another you must put up with this one treating you like shit? It doesn't make any sense.

I think terminating a friendship because the other person says something you disagree with is far odder than someone parroting a cliché.