To cut off a friend for saying “you only have one mother?”

[ThatFancyExpert]

A friend said this during a discussion about my relationship with my mother. I found it dismissive and invalidating. Just because someone is your mother, does that mean you have to tolerate a bad relationship? Or am I overreacting?

This is coming from someone who doesn’t talk to her dad and has said she won’t even go to his funeral - she plans to just send money to her siblings as her contribution instead. AIBU to find her comment hypocritical and unfair?

The OP hasn’t said her mum’s abusive. Just that it’s a bad relationship.

If she's otherwise a good friend, there's no need to cut her off because she said something wrong. Tell her why it bothered you and move on, a mistake isn't worth stopping a friendship over.

You only have one mother true but i never had a mother to start with she was just a woman that was there to bully us and use men and us for money dad didnt see us because he didnt pay her enough cm i had no feelings for her still dont.
I wont be going to her send off either.

Yes, even if they're abusive.

"Working with what we've got" doesn't mean we have to accept abuse or even stay in contact. It just means that (absent being adopted) we have to acknowledge the parents we have and recognize that there isn't a trade-in option. Going NC or low-contact with a parent isn't the same as doing it with an old school mate or even another family member even when it is absolutely the right choice for us, and our parents have the ability to hurt us in unique ways because it is a unique relationship in our lives.

If you “cut off” everyone who ever makes a tactless remark (and/or expresses themself in cliches) you’re going to have an exceptionally lonely life.

People tend to judge outside situations with their own experiences and views. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her dad therefore she sees a mum as something more “special”

It would be a bit extreme to cut off a friendship over this. If you really felt the need to you could talk to her and explain that her comment hurt you or you could just let it go.

She isn’t living your life and you’re not living hers. Everyone has their own views, opinions and experiences that shape them and their thinking.

Sorry but I don’t understand how you heard “you only have one mother” and it somehow morphed into “you have to tolerate even a bad relationship with your mother”?!

As this is a close friend with her one and only Dad being a shit dad, it sounds more co-miserating in intent and substance to me.

Unless she’s not a friend but has been a lifelong rival and bully that you put up with.

It's a simple statement of fact, isn't it? Otherwise, you're reading between the lines.

If your mother has mistreated you and your friend knows this, but she still thinks this is an appropriate thing to say, well - I’d be cutting her off too, honestly. It isn’t the same as disagreeing on music taste or whether pineapple belongs on pizza; it’s consciously invalidating and minimising your experiences. I once had an acquaintance who, upon hearing about my own abusive mother, declared with great confidence that ‘I’m sure she did the best she could’. It places a burden on the abused party, like a tacit suggestion that we are somehow to blame for not letting it go, or for not regarding our abuser(s) with compassion.

I couldn't be arsed to get worked up over something like that. Just her opinion and friends like everyone else are entitled to their opinions. I also wouldn't care if she was being hypocritical as people are complicated.

If you are considering cutting her off then she probably wasn't much of a friend / friendship was already over.

YANBU at all - not only is she a hypocrite but she's also a wanker. Tell her to FOTTFSOFAWSGTFOSM

YANBU. I cut my mother off in my 30s for very good reasons. She had never been a mother to me at any time: she'd been negligent, cruel and abusive. When I cut contact, I heard the same sort of comments. Now if asked I simply say, "she's toxic, we're not in contact" and change the subject.

Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker with your friend. If she's fully aware of all the difficulties you've had with your mother then her comment was insensitive. Afterall, I'm sure you have preferred to have a great relationship with your mother. If your friend doesn't fully appreciate the difficulties, then maybe cut her some slack.

I've had this said to me a lot over the last 6 years, including my fil who thinks I should suck it up and take the abuse because she's the only mother I'll ever have and it's my job as a daughter basically. The thing is, she's the one that cut me out! Anyway, now I have boundaries and some people can't deal with that, I won't be inviting her back into my life at any point. My mental health is so much better now.

It is invalidating and people that say this have no idea what it's like to have a mother you're better off without.

This and sometimes people say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It doesn't make them bad.

She wasn't being helpful, understanding or supportive which could just mean she's not very intuitive or is self centred. It is of course totally reasonable to pull back on a friendship when you realise it isn't balanced. However, our reaction comes across as little rash, reactive and emotional. Her comment has obviously touched a raw nerve and maybe you should take bit of time to work out what that actually is before rushing in with a response. Is it that you've finally realised what a hypocrite she is and how she never supports you? Or is she usually a pretty good friend but this comment has triggered you because it's reminded you of all the things your mother is not tmand that is actually deeply upsetting/ disappointing (have you dealt with that disappointment yet?), it would be a shame to lose a friend over some misplaced anger.

Depends. You’ve not given enough context.

If you’ve decided to go no contact with your mum because she wore the wrong colour dress to your party… then maybe your friend had a point.

if your mum is a truly heinous woman and your friend knows that history… then your friend needs to have a rethink about what she said.

Could you not just have a conversation with your friend about why this comment has triggered you so much?

100%

TBH you must be awfully hard work.

She's probably a bit relieved you've cut her off.

Not unreasonable

Guilt tripping bullshit. I say that as someone who has an excellent relationship with my (step) mother. My first mother died when I was a child.

I got two mothers.

Why would you cut her off rather than just tell her she's wrong?

I’d have replied along the lines of … ‘Yes, and this one’s shit!’.

I wouldn’t cut off a friend for saying that. But then I’d never cut off a friend for doing anything. My friends are my friends no matter what.

It may have been insensitive and hypocritical, but unless it was said with ill-intent, I wouldn’t be too uptight about it.

I hear it a lot. My mother actively disliked me as a child. She was damaged, I know that as an adult. You still don’t get to damage your own kid in turn. Then she slept with my then DH whilst I was pregnant.