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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands depression is ruining our lives

85 replies

Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 16:30

Let me start off by saying my beautiful DH is a wonderful man. I’m really looking for some advice for women who have been in my shoes/ or who men who have gone through a hard time after having kids. DH and I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. Man, they are a handful. Both of them love to play together and consistently stay up and fight sleep. 3 year old is getting very independent or for better words defiant lol. He’s finding his place in the world- can you blame him? But he throws a lot on tantrums these days. Between the 2 of them we are outnumbered. DH has been missing his old life; his friends, his freedom, his lack of responsibility and probably how our relationship was. I miss the old him and the old me but we are parents now and it won’t always be this hard? I wish I could tell him that. He moans all day, every outing we go on he has to throw a hissy fit. Like literally we went to the park he just huffed and puffed because the kids were being a bit difficult. It makes it so hard to be happy myself when he ignores me because his upset. It’s like we all have to sit in sadness and it’s not good for the kids. Am I wrong for wanting him to seek help or perhaps reconsider the relationship? I don’t know how we will all have a happy life together if his constantly raining on our parade. P.s. I know this sounds insensitive, I am trying to offer him all the support he needs. I’m just a bit fed up with this miserable life and lonely I guess.

OP posts:
Numberfish · 23/02/2025 16:35

YANBU chick, he’s a spoilt, lazy good for nothing who wilts under the need to do anything for anyone else. Can you get him to some father groups? Or reading books about handling children and parenting. Hopefully you have a strong relationship previously but he needs an attitude reset. Did you do a lot for him before the DCs? Have him watch Supernanny returns for inspiration as you have to make 100% sure you’re not letting your little darling have his own way at the cost of your marriage and their family. Best of luck.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 23/02/2025 16:35

I'd tell him to take some time away to get his head together and focus on being happy with my dc

Maybe he has other problems but this is just parenting, which i presume he isn't doing full time?

Men suffer too yes but it isn't like motherhood and pnd, he's just realised he's not enjoying it 😕

Onlyvisiting · 23/02/2025 16:38

Doesn't sound like clinical depression, it just sounds like he's a complete dick tbh.
Obviously depression is a possibility and if he's willing to consider it and seek help then great- but just being a miserable bastard who resents the responsibility of being a parent isn't exactly diagnostic. And giving you the silent treatment when he is in a mood isn't either.

Cerialkiller · 23/02/2025 16:45

Has he actually got depression though or are you just guessing based on him being moody around you all.

He doesn't sound beautiful. He sounds like a dick who can't stand commitment or attention being on anyone but him.

I assume the children were planned?

Saying all this, I'm my experience done men find it a struggle to engage with children until they are older 5+ or so. It's not an excuse to be a dick however. I'm pretty sure dickish behaviour isn't a depression symptom either.

If he is in fact suffering with his mental health then it's on him to sort it out. You can support him but he needs to be the one to do the work. You don't want a third child to look after.

DoYouReally · 23/02/2025 16:46

It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up rather than he's clinically depressed?

What effort have you both but into the relationship? Do you both have child free time?

If he doesn't want to be there, you might be better off in your own.

It's time for a serious conversation.

Newrumpus · 23/02/2025 17:06

My parent didn’t get out of bed for several days with depression - once this lasted for 20 days. She wouldn’t eat for days. She wouldn’t leave the house for months. She wouldn’t open the door or the curtains. Occasionally she threatened suicide. Our childhood was difficult. It didn’t ruin our lives though.

Your husband’s depression sounds less severe. I’m sure you can get through it.

Original poster
Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 17:08

DoYouReally · 23/02/2025 16:46

It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up rather than he's clinically depressed?

What effort have you both but into the relationship? Do you both have child free time?

If he doesn't want to be there, you might be better off in your own.

It's time for a serious conversation.

No we don’t have many babysitters and my daughter has separation anxiety so she’s very difficult to leave. He has admitted to missing how carefree our relationship used to be. The laughs, the flirting. But hopefully it will get back to that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 17:09

Newrumpus · 23/02/2025 17:06

My parent didn’t get out of bed for several days with depression - once this lasted for 20 days. She wouldn’t eat for days. She wouldn’t leave the house for months. She wouldn’t open the door or the curtains. Occasionally she threatened suicide. Our childhood was difficult. It didn’t ruin our lives though.

Your husband’s depression sounds less severe. I’m sure you can get through it.

That sounds rough. How is your relationship with her now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 17:12

Cerialkiller · 23/02/2025 16:45

Has he actually got depression though or are you just guessing based on him being moody around you all.

He doesn't sound beautiful. He sounds like a dick who can't stand commitment or attention being on anyone but him.

I assume the children were planned?

Saying all this, I'm my experience done men find it a struggle to engage with children until they are older 5+ or so. It's not an excuse to be a dick however. I'm pretty sure dickish behaviour isn't a depression symptom either.

If he is in fact suffering with his mental health then it's on him to sort it out. You can support him but he needs to be the one to do the work. You don't want a third child to look after.

I have to defend him! He is a wonderful man who has provided so much for us. It’s out of character for him to be in this rut. The kids adore him he is normally our backbone. Which is why it’s so concerning. He says he is really struggling to find a reason to get up. And anger and irritability are all signs of depression. Having such young kids is hard on anyone, I should know haha. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. We all have our bad moments. But if it continues then I fear it will change our family dynamic.

OP posts:
username299 · 23/02/2025 17:15

Every time I see 'my husband is a wonderful man' my eyes roll towards heaven in a Pavlovian response.

You need to have a frank conversation and ask him what his problem is. Does he want to be part of the family? If so he needs to shape up. If not, then he can leave.

No one likes a whinger and it's not nice for your children to be around someone so acrimonious. You're walking on eggshells and it's not fair.

He shouldn't have agreed to have children if he didn't want to be a dad.

MatildaTheCat · 23/02/2025 17:18

This is the worst bit, assuming you don’t have any more kids. Talk to him and try and foster a team spirit approach. When you are at the stages of the day when the Dc are most challenging try either taking turns or splitting them up and taking one each.

Despite the tough bits they sound like normal healthy children and again, try and emphasise that and award yourselves rewards for getting through the days and weeks. Maybe take the odd day of leave occasionally together and have a romantic lunch or tryst when they are in nursery or whatever.

He doesn’t sound depressed just fed up. While loads here will say don’t pander to the man child I would argue that if you were the one in a negative spin you might appreciate or benefit from a helping hand to get things in perspective? And soon the winter will be over and frankly that makes a huge difference.

Newrumpus · 23/02/2025 17:18

@Bennybabyp it’s always a challenge with MH difficulties but we are a family, we love each other and look out for one another. As an adult I understand her issues much more obviously. I accept that she cannot/could not do what some other parents do; this would be the same if she had a physical health condition.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/02/2025 17:18

His attitude is not good and he needs to grow up I'm afraid. What did he expect having 2 DC would be like? A parenting course might be beneficial all round.

MinnieCoops · 23/02/2025 17:23

He sounds a right miserable cunt, that's not the same as being depressed

Penko25 · 23/02/2025 17:27

Some men hate family life & can’t get over what they’ve given up. He sounds like one of them. I’d prepare for a life without him.

PonyPatter44 · 23/02/2025 17:27

Wll, if he is so wonderful, has he been to the doctor to see if medication will help him cope better, and stop him being miserable with you and the children?

cestlavielife · 23/02/2025 17:29

Who diagnosed him with depression?
You or a gp or a psychiatrist?

Anyway tell him to shape up or ship out
If he is clinical depressed he can seek help

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/02/2025 17:29

I doubt very much he is actually depressed, he probably just doesn’t like being a parent. I think the majority of men have children to please their women.

The quote Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters is about as correct as it gets.

Zippidydoodah · 23/02/2025 17:33

Mine is depressed, too, and it’s making us all miserable. I’ve begged him so many times to go to the doctor. Soooo many times. I guess it’s ultimatum time for me (has reached a head again this weekend): go to the doctor or leave.

It’s heartbreaking as I don’t want to be without him.

Your kids are still tiny so maybe he’s struggling to adjust. Could you take it in turns to have a night alone at a hotel or something? Working and coming home to toddlers is so full on. 💐

Dappy777 · 23/02/2025 17:43

That doesn’t sound like depression at all OP. Depressed people are flat, dead, empty, hollow inside, etc. When you’re depressed, you can hardly walk across the room. You sort of shrivel up. He just doesn’t like being a parent, that’s all. And he won’t change. He’s got years of this ahead of him.

Original poster
Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 17:50

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/02/2025 17:29

I doubt very much he is actually depressed, he probably just doesn’t like being a parent. I think the majority of men have children to please their women.

The quote Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters is about as correct as it gets.

haha I love that one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 17:52

Zippidydoodah · 23/02/2025 17:33

Mine is depressed, too, and it’s making us all miserable. I’ve begged him so many times to go to the doctor. Soooo many times. I guess it’s ultimatum time for me (has reached a head again this weekend): go to the doctor or leave.

It’s heartbreaking as I don’t want to be without him.

Your kids are still tiny so maybe he’s struggling to adjust. Could you take it in turns to have a night alone at a hotel or something? Working and coming home to toddlers is so full on. 💐

Aww I feel for you. It definitely takes a toll on you. But you need to prioritise your own needs as well. Good luck sending positivity! And will definitely offer him a night away and see how it goes.

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 23/02/2025 18:15

I don't think he sounds wonderful at all. He doesn't get to opt out and be miserable because he's missing his old life. You're giving him too much leeway. If he's depressed, he needs to get himself to the doctor to get a diagnosis and some help. I suspect he isn't though and is just fed up of his new life. Well tough.

ginasevern · 23/02/2025 18:23

Did he actually want kids OP? Did he say he did because it was "the done thing" or did you talk him into it? A lot of men (most actually) don't want kids in the same way that women do and they really don't understand the reality of it. I wish I had a pound for every man who claims to have depression after children came along. I doubt he's genuinely depressed, he's pissed off because he wants his "old" life back - which is pretty much what he's telling you. You need to calmly explain to him that this is now his reality. This is parenthood and it ain't going away. If he can't accept that then he needs to move on. His moods are bad for you and very, very bad for the kids. You shouldn't have to live like this. Stop massaging his fragile male ego for god's sake.

MugsyBalonz · 23/02/2025 18:24

DH has chronic depression that is currently under control with medication and he lives a normal, balanced life.

When his mental health dips I expect him to act upon it by seeing the GP and/or referring himself into therapy. I will be supportive, I will help him, I will be there whenever he needs me but this is conditional on him seeking help. I will not do is be his emotional punchbag and nor will I do 100% of the parenting/adulting while he wallows. We had this conversation many years ago when I told him he can either seek help or seek somewhere else to live, his choice.

I know it sounds brutal but there is a huge difference between mentally ill but trying and mentally ill but dragging everyone else down too.

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