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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands depression is ruining our lives

85 replies

Bennybabyp · 23/02/2025 16:30

Let me start off by saying my beautiful DH is a wonderful man. I’m really looking for some advice for women who have been in my shoes/ or who men who have gone through a hard time after having kids. DH and I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. Man, they are a handful. Both of them love to play together and consistently stay up and fight sleep. 3 year old is getting very independent or for better words defiant lol. He’s finding his place in the world- can you blame him? But he throws a lot on tantrums these days. Between the 2 of them we are outnumbered. DH has been missing his old life; his friends, his freedom, his lack of responsibility and probably how our relationship was. I miss the old him and the old me but we are parents now and it won’t always be this hard? I wish I could tell him that. He moans all day, every outing we go on he has to throw a hissy fit. Like literally we went to the park he just huffed and puffed because the kids were being a bit difficult. It makes it so hard to be happy myself when he ignores me because his upset. It’s like we all have to sit in sadness and it’s not good for the kids. Am I wrong for wanting him to seek help or perhaps reconsider the relationship? I don’t know how we will all have a happy life together if his constantly raining on our parade. P.s. I know this sounds insensitive, I am trying to offer him all the support he needs. I’m just a bit fed up with this miserable life and lonely I guess.

OP posts:
nitrofueled · 23/02/2025 18:25

Need to somehow get to the bottom why he's not enjoying parenthood.

MugsyBalonz · 23/02/2025 18:30

nitrofueled · 23/02/2025 18:25

Need to somehow get to the bottom why he's not enjoying parenthood.

That's for him to work out, not the OP.

mathanxiety · 23/02/2025 18:51

That sounds like failure to grow the heck up, not depression.

Tell him that at the moment it feels to you that you have three kids three and under, and the biggest of them is the biggest problem.

If he feels fatherhood and partnership with the mother of his children isn't for him, ask him what he wants to do about that, and tell him that continuing to inflict his negativity, impatience, immaturity, and self absorption on the rest of the family is not one of his options.

Hoppinggreen · 23/02/2025 18:53

Based purely on what you have written he's not depressed he is a selfish manbaby

Tropicalturnip · 23/02/2025 18:53

YANBU. Mine are similar ages - a bit older, and DH is the same. It won't last forever. I got to a point his moods were ruining absolutely everything, I just felt the joy was sucked out of everything all the time, and I gave him an ultimatum. Get help or fuck off. Obviously that's the extremely short version... but I couldn't do it anymore. Little kids are hard but having an extra child in place of a helpful adult is harder. He's now having counselling and other help, considering medication. Things are a little better (but it's very early days here). You're not unreasonable to tell him he needs to get support and you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave if he doesn't.
Sadly I think it's common for men to be shit at talking about how they feel or admitting they have a problem, and they often do need a kick up the bum to get them on the right track.

Good luck - and honestly, the kids do get easier as they get a bit older and less tantrummy. (A bit!)

Violetmouse · 23/02/2025 18:56

As someone who is a parent with severe depression (diagnosed by a psychiatrist, several hospital admissions down the line) I find it upsetting to hear this behaviour described as depression. He may or may not be depressed but this is not necessarily behaviour typical of illness.

arcticpandas · 23/02/2025 19:06

He sounds stressed out by being a parent to young children. Nothing to do with clinical depression. Tell him it's rough for everyone but that things will calm down as they get older. Tell him to go out and meet some friends and another day it's your turn. You both need to work as a team so each parent get some grown up relax time to do whatever you want.

Titasaducksarse · 23/02/2025 19:10

What is he doing to manage his depression? Medication, therapy, mindfulness, exercise, eating better etc? Seeking his own support network?

Or is he saying 'I'm depressed'.

stanleypops66 · 23/02/2025 19:59

Sounds like he wants to opt out of parenting. Did he want 2dc close together? Either way they're here now and he needs to step up. Sometimes kids stuff is boring. I couldn't love or respect a man who wasn't a good father.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/02/2025 20:00

What is his solution OP? Is he going to go to the doctors? Try and get more exercise or see friends more or re start an old hobby? You can't fix this for him

WednesdaysChild25 · 23/02/2025 20:07

this isn’t depression, nor is your husband wonderful man!

WednesdaysChild25 · 23/02/2025 20:10

MinnieCoops · 23/02/2025 17:23

He sounds a right miserable cunt, that's not the same as being depressed

@MinnieCoops You’ve hit the nail on the head!

Yeoldlondoncheese · 23/02/2025 20:14

Did he want children?

BeanAround · 23/02/2025 20:16

The way you have described “hissy fits” doesn’t paint a great picture.

But to be honest my experience of depression has included being short tempered, withdrawn and easily overwhelmed by children being children. So I can buy the idea he is depressed.

How does he feel about it?

If he might actually be depressed then a trip to the GP is a good place to start. Both me and my DH have found anti-depressants transformative and CBT/talking therapy isn’t too hard to access via the NHS.

Has he got “dad friends”? I think this is super important for men in the same way mum friends are for women. To be able to compare experiences of sleepless nights and the tantrums. Round here there are some dad-focused playgroups at weekends, something like that might be helpful.

Nothatgingerpirate · 23/02/2025 20:45

Numberfish · 23/02/2025 16:35

YANBU chick, he’s a spoilt, lazy good for nothing who wilts under the need to do anything for anyone else. Can you get him to some father groups? Or reading books about handling children and parenting. Hopefully you have a strong relationship previously but he needs an attitude reset. Did you do a lot for him before the DCs? Have him watch Supernanny returns for inspiration as you have to make 100% sure you’re not letting your little darling have his own way at the cost of your marriage and their family. Best of luck.

No, he's wonderful and beautiful.
Only, if the depressed side happens to be a woman, she gets on with it and cries alone.
😡

TagSplashMaverick · 23/02/2025 22:00

‘Beautiful’? ‘Wonderful’? He sounds like a miserable, selfish twat. And I also don’t believe he’s depressed. He landed on his feet when he met you, didn’t he OP? 💔

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 22:16

I have a depressed husband and he is also a miserable bastard. It is wreaking havoc in our home and for my children who are 12/11/9. I have tried everything

  • encouraged him to take space (he won't)
  • given him space in the home and reduced demands of daily life (it's not enough and he still weighs in being disruptive all the time)
  • given him a kick up the bum (makes him more angry with me)

He continues to stir it up with the kids and argue with them, ignore their behaviors (cries for help), shout and stomp around and then walk out and leave us hanging for hours/days.

It is almost intolerable. Today has been so shit. I'm posting here as an alternative to crying.

Sympathy to the op. It hasn't got better as mine have got older, it has got worse. I don't think he has any parenting skills tbh. I feel completely trapped.

DorothyStorm · 23/02/2025 22:20

HelenHywater · 23/02/2025 18:15

I don't think he sounds wonderful at all. He doesn't get to opt out and be miserable because he's missing his old life. You're giving him too much leeway. If he's depressed, he needs to get himself to the doctor to get a diagnosis and some help. I suspect he isn't though and is just fed up of his new life. Well tough.

This. He is behaving like an insufferable brat.
has he actually got a diagnosis of depression?

DorothyStorm · 23/02/2025 22:21

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 22:16

I have a depressed husband and he is also a miserable bastard. It is wreaking havoc in our home and for my children who are 12/11/9. I have tried everything

  • encouraged him to take space (he won't)
  • given him space in the home and reduced demands of daily life (it's not enough and he still weighs in being disruptive all the time)
  • given him a kick up the bum (makes him more angry with me)

He continues to stir it up with the kids and argue with them, ignore their behaviors (cries for help), shout and stomp around and then walk out and leave us hanging for hours/days.

It is almost intolerable. Today has been so shit. I'm posting here as an alternative to crying.

Sympathy to the op. It hasn't got better as mine have got older, it has got worse. I don't think he has any parenting skills tbh. I feel completely trapped.

Does this arsehole have a diagnosis of depression? And if so what treatment is he on? He can also be an arsehole and have depression. But the fuck would he be treating my children like that.

Achyarms · 23/02/2025 22:39

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 22:16

I have a depressed husband and he is also a miserable bastard. It is wreaking havoc in our home and for my children who are 12/11/9. I have tried everything

  • encouraged him to take space (he won't)
  • given him space in the home and reduced demands of daily life (it's not enough and he still weighs in being disruptive all the time)
  • given him a kick up the bum (makes him more angry with me)

He continues to stir it up with the kids and argue with them, ignore their behaviors (cries for help), shout and stomp around and then walk out and leave us hanging for hours/days.

It is almost intolerable. Today has been so shit. I'm posting here as an alternative to crying.

Sympathy to the op. It hasn't got better as mine have got older, it has got worse. I don't think he has any parenting skills tbh. I feel completely trapped.

My heart goes to you. My husband can be like that and I have tried similar things to you - asked him to get space by going away for a long weekend somewhere nice like wales or last summer, camping! Or book a night in a hotel or spa. In the hope he comes back relaxed and nicer!! Given space in our home eg he’s sleeping in spare room and I do all early mornings and take the kids out for the day so he has space alone. Again! Not worked

only thing that really makes a difference is when husband goes back on medication and exercises lots

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 23:00

Yes he does have a diagnosis, only a few months and the medication is not right.

I am of the view that he is both depressed and being an arsehole. I can't think of any good reason why he can't take some time out if that is what he needs. I am sure you will have guessed this but his excuse for all that behavior is of course, that it is my fault...

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 23:05

Sorry that wasn't very clear about the meds. He got a bit better for a while but has slipped back. Has had dose adjusted so wait for it to work.

His view is life got on top of him, COVID etc. My view is that for whatever reason he is a disinterested parent,that has made life very difficult for us all and he is fighting against a family life he doesn't really want, but he won't accept that. He is massively in denial and it is damaging his mental health.

unlikelychump · 23/02/2025 23:24

Also sorry for derailing your thread OP. I'm venting.

I'm sure you wanted more good news stories. I guess my advice would be - don't stand for shit early on. There is another thread in active about someone who's husband doesn't want kids. I feel like joining it to yell - don't make himmmmmmmmmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2025 23:25

Why are you labelling his behaviour as depression?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 23/02/2025 23:37

He has admitted to missing how carefree our relationship used to be. The laughs, the flirting.

Does he not think you miss that too?!

He needs to sort himself out - which includes recognising the impact of his behaviour on you, his wife, who is already dealing with two very small children without much support by the sound of ot.

So, if he is genuinely struggling mentally, he needs to see a doctor. If he's just being a selfish dick, he needs to give himself a bloody shake. Either way, he needs to take responsibility and do something, other than making your life more difficult than it needs to be.