Husbands depression is ruining our lives

[Bennybabyp]

Let me start off by saying my beautiful DH is a wonderful man. I’m really looking for some advice for women who have been in my shoes/ or who men who have gone through a hard time after having kids. DH and I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. Man, they are a handful. Both of them love to play together and consistently stay up and fight sleep. 3 year old is getting very independent or for better words defiant lol. He’s finding his place in the world- can you blame him? But he throws a lot on tantrums these days. Between the 2 of them we are outnumbered. DH has been missing his old life; his friends, his freedom, his lack of responsibility and probably how our relationship was. I miss the old him and the old me but we are parents now and it won’t always be this hard? I wish I could tell him that. He moans all day, every outing we go on he has to throw a hissy fit. Like literally we went to the park he just huffed and puffed because the kids were being a bit difficult. It makes it so hard to be happy myself when he ignores me because his upset. It’s like we all have to sit in sadness and it’s not good for the kids. Am I wrong for wanting him to seek help or perhaps reconsider the relationship? I don’t know how we will all have a happy life together if his constantly raining on our parade. P.s. I know this sounds insensitive, I am trying to offer him all the support he needs. I’m just a bit fed up with this miserable life and lonely I guess.

This. There is no one size fits all with depression. It manifests differently in different people.

It’s not good he is struggling. The question isn’t if he is depressed or not, the question is what is he going to do about it? You can support but ultimately he needs to take some action (many good options for action have been suggested by PP)

From what you have said he does sound depressed and has had that confirmed by a trained professional. From what you’ve said he’s been a good man in the past and is struggling with depression and challenges of fatherhood but you love him and would like to try and help. Depression in men is serious and can lead to all sorts of negative coping strategies and even suicide. So all I say is with these provisos. If he just being a man child then it won’t help!

Practical steps
Talk to him and tell him this is non negotiable he gets help. Counselling is in my experience e hard going when well medicated and almost impossible to do when not well medicated depression. So go easy on his failure here - a lot of people would be unable to commit to counselling whilst actively depressed. He needs an antidepressant. I would suggest starting with Prozac as many men find a quick change in energy and irritability. But he has to commit to 6 months of trying. If after a month of trying he cannot get on with one drug he does NOT give up he goes back and swaps drugs. Honestly well medicated and he will almost certainly be 50% improved.

Young children are exhausting but it does sound like yours are running the show a bit. Try reign back some control. It’s bloody hard though - I imagine you are in survival mode dealing with the kids and him. But do have a think if some tougher boundaries/ parenting might help you.

A lot of men express love via physical intimacy ie loving sex. You cannot do date nights and tbh I imagine you’d both be exhausted. Plan some date afternoons around childcare. If you don’t have childcare in the day find some. Many offer free settling in sessions. Your husband can surely take 1/2 day leave. I am not saying have sex with him if you don’t want to. I am saying if you can rekindle good mutually satisfactory intimacy once a month it’ll be a game changer to you both. I actually think you yourself would likely benefit from this as it’ll help you rekindle and recharge. Have a nice bath with a glass of wine, be intimate and then go for a short walk, a bite to eat, etc then go get the kids.

Tbh days out with young kids are often just same shit different location. He needs to lower his expectation here. It will get easier! But have a chat with him about all the CBT info that is online. It is likely he is in negative thinking patterns. Good medication will help here to some degree but he will need to do some work to change how he is thinking - which will change how he is reacting, feeling etc etc. Maladaptive schemas (life-traps) is a good thing.

All of this will only work if he wants it to! He has to make the effort. Please do set yourself your own boundaries and reflect honestly on whether the relationship works for you. And also reflect if he is a good man now that the true test of fatherhood has come along. Many men are great - UNTIL children come along and they have to adapt. But from what you’ve said this does sound like depression and that is fixable and worth a shot if you and him agree on a plan to help him. Please also ensure you have good contraception - I honestly think baby 3 here would be a disaster here.

All the best x

Oh god tell him to get a grip, he’s one of many parents with young toddlers who are a handful. Go for zero tolerance on the mopey attitude and tell him to pack it in :) I would not indulge this and let him sink further into a pit of wallowing, self pity and potentially actual depression. Nip it in the bud

OP, it very quickly becomes emotional abuse of the family unit.

Moody, bad tempered, grumpy, complaining.....eventually you are walki g on eggshells and the children absorb the tension and develop anxiety because they don't understand but just know it is not a happy home.

He will ruin your childrens childhood.
Put them first. He gets help or he leaves.

Fully expected to open this and read about someone like my dh who has clinically diagnosed depression and bipolar and who takes medication long term. The medication has completely changed his life and whereas he wasn’t able to work or even want to live anymore now he has a good job and is the wonderful parent he always was.

But your dh just sounds like an absolute spoilt brat! 😳 It just sounds as though he’s checked out of family life completely and doesn’t want to be a parent because the kids are a bit difficult. What would happen if you did this too? We all struggle with toddlers, but we put their needs first because that’s what parents do. I’m not seeing signs of depression here and he’s not the wonderful person you think he is.

That sounds horrible- for you and the kids. Is he depressed or does he want out? I can’t tell which is which these days myself. If you need someone to talk to we can private message?

This is a tricky one, and as I've read your ongoing responses, you've added a bit more clarity. Your OP doesn't paint him in the best light (which on MN is a death blow since they will see THE WORST in every man). He comes across as hurtful to you and lacking in any resilience at all in parenting.

But not wanting to get up in the morning and going for days without eating and losing a lot of weight sounds more worrying than that he's simply being a shit, lazy man.

Parenting very little ones can be awful – no bones about it. Some people absolutely thrive on these ages, and that's wonderful for them. Others feel trapped, miserable, angry and depressed. I don't think that's wrong either. We can't necessarily be great at parenting all age groups.

I really struggled when my twins were newborns to 3yrs old. It felt like absolutely everything I did for them and with them was a battle. I worked full time (still do) and remember telling my husband that I dreaded weekends at home as they were so so hard. That made him really sad – quite rightly.

There was a few things going on – I think 1) my resilience was incredibly low, 2) my expectations were too high 3) my emotional regulation was poor – probably due to sleep deprivation, worry and stress, but again, that's resilience.

Yes this sounds like depression.

Why won’t he try meds? My DH was like this and anti depressants were life changing. If he has tried other things and not getting anywhere he really should consider.

I Have taken ADs as well and they helped a huge amount.

He needs to go to gp
Gp or psychiatrist diagnoses ..and prescribed meds
Not therapist
Non negotiable

goes days without eating, has lost a ton of weight, and can barely work

But he needs to go to gp
He needs to want to get help

You can give him the push or take him to the door of gp
He has to want to get help
Can you send him to stay with a relative to give you and dc some rest from the gloom

You can set your boundaries and seek support for you and dc