Husbands depression is ruining our lives

[Bennybabyp]

Let me start off by saying my beautiful DH is a wonderful man. I’m really looking for some advice for women who have been in my shoes/ or who men who have gone through a hard time after having kids. DH and I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. Man, they are a handful. Both of them love to play together and consistently stay up and fight sleep. 3 year old is getting very independent or for better words defiant lol. He’s finding his place in the world- can you blame him? But he throws a lot on tantrums these days. Between the 2 of them we are outnumbered. DH has been missing his old life; his friends, his freedom, his lack of responsibility and probably how our relationship was. I miss the old him and the old me but we are parents now and it won’t always be this hard? I wish I could tell him that. He moans all day, every outing we go on he has to throw a hissy fit. Like literally we went to the park he just huffed and puffed because the kids were being a bit difficult. It makes it so hard to be happy myself when he ignores me because his upset. It’s like we all have to sit in sadness and it’s not good for the kids. Am I wrong for wanting him to seek help or perhaps reconsider the relationship? I don’t know how we will all have a happy life together if his constantly raining on our parade. P.s. I know this sounds insensitive, I am trying to offer him all the support he needs. I’m just a bit fed up with this miserable life and lonely I guess.

Can we just stop ganging up on the OP and saying her husbands this horrible arsehole? It seems everyone's solution is always to "leave"? Its a general theme on MN, it's totally unhelpful at helping people resolve temporary issues, often it's turning a mountain into a molehill.

OP, you say he's a wonderful man - so I will take this at face value. If he's acting this way at the moment, sit him down and point out how this is coming across and ask him to change on his own, or go to the Dr's to start getting support. It's totally understandable that he misses your relationship, don't assume "it will come back". Make time for eachother without the kids, in the long run happy & united parents can equal happier children, so it's not selfish to go out for one evening a week if you have a babysitter. Or spend the night at home with a bottle of wine and a film once kids are in bed.

I'd also make sure that you're not letting your kids rule the roost. Why are you outnumbered? They are 2 small children and you are an adult. If the kids are being difficult, could you tighten up on some rules? Are you giving in to too many tantrums? You don't need to shout and scream and implement harsh discipline, but if you set a rule and they have a tantrum - are you giving in, or do you say "tough" and stick to your boundaries?

You're in the eye of a storm now with these ages!

You've just described 99% of men, they don't actually want kids. It's just yours is more honest and open with it.

If most men said what they really think most of the people in this thread saying leave him would have also broken up with their partners.

It's not doing a whole lot for yours

Do you have to stay with him? Do you have options?

I'm guessing kids were your idea?

Kick a woman while she's down, why doncha...

The time to say you don't want kids is before you participate in their conception. Ideally before your relationship gets to the point where you're living together.

Then if you're serious you take responsibility for your own contraception.

Yes, when you talk honestly about this, your partner might decide she'll leave and find a man who is on the same page as she is wrt kids. Everyone has the right to choose in these matters.

Going along with it when your heart isn't in it and then punishing everyone for it is not on.

@mathanxiety I just asked a question...and it's been asked by a few people and not answered yet so...and I totally agree about the rest but if more men had a backbone then that might mean no kids AT ALL for most women. And I don't know what the solution is to that. I assume men agree as long as their lifestyle doesn't have to change and when it inevitably does get resentful.

My husband started developing these behaviours when DC1 was born. He eventually went to a psychotherapist as the gp was useless. It helped so much, he now recognises his behaviours a bit more, has coping mechanisms and although he still has days where he’s grumpy and the kids are pissing him off he doesn’t bring everyone else to grumpsville. Is it worth addressing with him when he isn’t being miserable why and how he suggests things could improve? I’ve done that sometimes- venting and being on the same page helps a lot I’ve found.
I do kind of want to ask- what did you think having kids would be?! I miss the carefree life as well!!!

I wouldn't call that depression I'd call that struggling to adjust to fatherhood. You're in the hardest years at those ages as you battle to transform little savages them into nice well behaved kids. It takes a huge team effort, firm boundaries enforced by both parents, including bedtimes. Once you've got a good bedtime routine established and you get your evenings back plus undisturbed sleep everything changes for the better. It can be hard to get to that stage but it's so worth it. Then it becomes all about making sure they've run off all their energy so they do sleep well, or are calm enough to be well behaved when you go out. We always used to have a little chat with them beforehand about behaviour expectations when we were going anywhere and that helped too.

He needs to start pitching in to help get to the end goal he wants!

Just because anger and irritability are signs of depression doesn’t mean he’s clinically depressed! I think you are making allowances for his poor behaviour by framing it as depression, unless he has been diagnosed (which you haven’t said.) Maybe he needs to go and talk to a professional. It’s not fair to have his anger and irritability rule the atmosphere in your home. It’s extremely damaging.

He has tried support groups and managing it by finding new hobbies. I referred him to therapy and his therapist agreed he was depressed but he does not attend regularly nor does he want meds. He also goes days without eating, has lost a ton of weight, and can barely work. That sounds depressed to me!

No matter if it sounds depressed - it is not depression until diagnosis by a medical professional and a willingness to do whatever it take to get well.

If he was lying on the sofa telling you he had 2 broken legs but wouldn't seek medical attention would you accept that?

He has checked out of parenting and you need to kick him up the arse pronto

Also stop letting two little children rule the roost - get tough and get a routine so there asleep by 7/7:30 and you have the evening together.
Yes it's rough and rough but very very doable

This.

My dh was diagnosed with depression 18 months ago, he initially declined meds but then began a course of treatment (anti depressents) this is and will always be a work in progress as he navigates a life of wellness. Upon diagnosis, he sought out counselling with cbt and took an active role in reaching out to his social network for support outside of the family home.

I am sorry that your dh is not able to appreciate the life he has, living with young children is hard and I know I definitely missed the life I had pre-children. Unfortunately you can't fix him and if he is unable to agree to a plan of wellness, you need to accept his moods and irritability as part of your life too. Personally this would be a breaker for me and I would seriously consider if he is a wonderful husband and without a positive plan to move forward, how will life improve for you all?

We have a 3 and 1 yr old.
Its rough...

Honestly though it sounds like he doesnt like being a parent which is rough (for you) and maybe not fixable. Separately im amazed you are holding it together so well
Based on my own experiences if you want to help

1. Find datenight childcare and start leaving the children regularly 1-2 x pm irrespective of separation anxiety/ its hard to find childcare/ whatever... just do it.
2. Dr is non negotiable- blood test to rule out physical issue (eg iron deficiency / thyroid etc) and diagnosis
3. Therapy is non negotiable
4. Sleep train the kids and get militant on bedtimes and bedtime routine to reclaim your evening. The 2 hrs we get each night is important.
5. Generally get firmer boundaries it sounds like the kids dictate things. I say this as someone with 2 strong willed /defiant kids. My second seems more so than the 3yr old who is v strong willed. I know its hard.. There have been and will be "hills to die on" with them where i know if i let it go it will make my life harder long term so despite part of my brain telling me to let it slide i suck up 15mins of hell now to avoid a lifetime of x. It is incrementally working
6. Try to plan things in advance so there are nice things to look fwd to.
7. Set expectations of behaviour - your description of his behaviour in the park doesnt sound beautiful AT ALL. The kids will pick up on it and I'd be telling him it is not an acceptable standard of behaviour and to pack it in right now.

We just take the view of finding good where we can and knowing in 12/18m things will be significantly easier.

Ultimately, yes you should support him but he needs to put some effort in too or his going to slowly kill your love for him and drag you down with him. If he doesnt improve /get help / try there will also come a point where its just who he is now and you'll have to protect yourself and your kids (a la the drowning man analogy) or be dragged down with him. Id argue you are not far off this point already ..

Kids whilst being one of the blessing in life can a times suck every ounce of of joy out of life

it doesn’t last forever but between lack of sleep separation anxiety and as you say defiant . I can imagine life must be fairly miserable at the moment

he sounds more pissed off and frustrated rather than depressed
at this stage you can’t see light at the end of of the tunnel and you are permanently running on empty

there’s no silver bullet for this one it should settle down

Does 'missing being carefree' translate to you don't have sex as regularly as he would like?

Exactly this. Don't make excuses for him: he needs to grow up.

This.

Our kids are the same age and it is hard and relentless. I’d be having stern words though if DH was pulling the shit that yours currently is. He can’t just opt out of family life and put more pressure on you to try and recreate the fun, flirty pre-kids relationship while presumably doing all the night shifts, early mornings, cooking and housework.

He sounds selfish rather than depressed and you are pandering to him.

That’s not depression. He’s a giant man baby who needs to grow the fuck up and get a grip. It’s called life.

Do you need to put better boundaries and structure around the kids and their activities? You say the three-year-old is becoming ‘ independent, LOL’ which feels to me a little bit like shorthand for out of control and badly behaved. Are both kids in bed by 7 pm for example? are they sleeping through the night? Is there a routine that means you can both switch off from them and have that potential to have time together?

it is a relentless grind when children are really young, and frankly in my book not at all enjoyable given that, but knowing that a child will always eg be in bed by 7 pm give some respite.

you do need to intervene very quickly. Conversations around what needs to be different and also how he needs to step up will need to occur otherwise this is territory that is ripe for souring your relationship.

Did he want kids as much as you did OP? A lot, if not most, men go along with what their wives want. How was he after the first was born - did he step up then? Was it a mutual decision to have a second?

Interesting...YOU got him therapy. He doesn't attend regularly and won't go to the GP.

Re read that OP. He isn't doing anything to help himself is he? Oh, apologies he's tried hobbies
....of course he has tried that! Ones that probably took him away from the home at really busy points with the children.

That doesn't sound like depression - he's just being a twat.

What the hell? Depression doesn’t come in one form.