Is this an act of kindness?

[Merrygoround8]

Background.

We have a 6 month baby, but she is sleeping pretty well. She is exclusively breastfed overnight (but does take a bottle) and wakes 1-2 times. I say this because it is relevant but I am not particularly exhausted beyond the normal realms of parenting etc (nor have I said I am exhausted). She is in a cot next to our bed and I have occasionally remarked that “I don’t want to be away from her” - again relevant in that I have never expressed desire for a night off or help with night feeds. We could make her night feed a bottle if we wished, and I haven’t ever suggested this is what I want yet.

I accidentally fell asleep on spare bed earlier where I had a quick lie down following a hot bath. Husband aware of this and was in room at the time working.

I was not “ready” for bed in my usual sense which is very distinctly some skincare, contact lenses out, pyjamas etc, and usually flogging some water / having it laid out next to me.

At midnight I wake and find myself in exact same situation, except now in the dark, naked and under the now damp and cold towel (not blanket), bewildered, eyes glued together from lenses.

I am really pissed off!!! Presumably husband thinks this is doing me a favour/giving me an uninterrupted stretch of sleep, but am I wrong to find this totally unhelpful and actually feel that it’s thoughtless at best and quite cruel at worst!?

He has gone to sleep in our bed. He doesn’t seem to have made provision for a night feed so I guess the plan would have been to come and get me at some point. How was that going to go 😂🫠 cold, eyes glued, dehydrated, naked, and staggering back to immediately feed a crying baby.

He literally didn’t chuck a blanket over me. That’s what’s stunned me, I think, but am I being sensitive?

He probably didn’t know what to do for the best. You’re the perfect Peter who seems to have it all worked out. You went off piste so so did he. Get some sleep, chalk it up, move on.

If he had have covered you with a blanket and did any usual prep, it would be fine. As it was it seems tgat he hasn't been very caring towards you.

Different People would have liked different things in that scenario. Unless he’s usually an arsehole I’d assume he meant well.

Did you expect him to clean your teeth and remove your contact lenses?

A blanket could have been nice, but also could have woken you up.

When my husband nods off in unexpected places if I do anything- switch off tv, close laptop, put a blanket on him it wakes him up. And I usually try not to as I figure if he's asleep he probably needed it and wanted it (there is usually those few seconds when you close your eyes knowing what's happening and decide to go with it).

I think you're probably being a bit mean to him here tbh.

YANBU. It would have cost him nothing to gently shake you and encourage you to bed, as any of us would do if a partner dozed off on the sofa.

More info is needed.
But generally, if someone falls asleep you would at least put a blanket over them, in a caring manner.

Maybe he thought you was waking up in a minute and went to bed? Is he generally helpful and caring?

Okay. I don’t think a blanket is perfect Peter. The thing I can’t shake is that he would/does always cover out other child up before going to bed if and when he checks on them and they’ve come out of covers.

Okay I’m not a child. But it feels uncaring?

Of course my lenses are my responsibility but after 11 years he knows full well how uncomfortable it is on the rare occasions I’ve forgotten myself.

I wouldn't have woken you either. Out of consideration for you obviously needing that sleep. But I'd have expected you to wake up soon, so not thought about your routine.

No. I would expect him to give me a nudge.

Failing that, I would have thought putting a blanket over someone is the sign you’ve had the active thought to be kind and let them sleep.

Its the turning off the light and leaving the room exactly as I was, naked and under a now-damp-and-cold towel that feels really uncaring.

Like I say, he didn’t make a provision up here for a bottle feed for our baby so he would have either had to wake me at some point or take himself downstairs to make formula which would have woken me too no doubt. So in my mind, I don’t see why he thought this extra stretch would be beneficial if at the end of it I’m bewildered and naked staggering back to feel the baby! I would much rather be nudged and get in to my cosy pjs myself.

Interesting to see the views here.

You're overthinking it - I doubt he thought much past 'let her sleep'.

I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to consider my contacts and hydration levels if I was snoozing on a bed.

He left you sleeping for a few hours on the spare bed. No big deal. It's not like you were outside. Also, why are you so thirsty?

My DH does this and it really winds me up. It makes me feel like he doesn’t really care that much particularly after I’ve explicitly asked him to wake me / help me out in these situations. We’ve even had the blanket argument having passed out in a wet towel more than once.

Yes helpful.

I would say we have different standards of “care” and this is an example. He will always do things that are asked eg rub back when 42 weeks pregnant, but wouldn’t necessarily volunteer?

I am someone who would “care” by trying to do things for someone before they ask.

I know we are all different and that’s fine.

Generally after running around after kids all day I often make a conscious effort to drink more water in those hours before bed. I consume a normal amount in 24 hours.

Also, why are you so thirsty?

I have never been as thirsty in my life as BFing.

And no, my DH would not have left me under a cold, wet towel and gone to bed. I agree that it was minimum viable product.

He left you to sleep in February under a wet towel. And then took himself off to bed.

This sounds a bit spiteful to me, like he resented you getting an extra nap in.

I'd be very annoyed

Sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you can't blame anyone else because you fell asleep in your contact lenses. I've done it myself so I know how uncomfortable it is, but your eyes are no one's responsibility but your own.

The blanket I can see your point on, but YABVU about the lenses.

YANBU. I don't see that he could have done much about the teeth or contact lenses (though I might have tried to wake my DH up enough for him to deal with these things), but there's no way I would leave someone sleeping under a wet towel with and just go to bed.

If you're tired in the evenings and likely to doze off, do you have some glasses you can wear?

Breastfeeding mothers need additional hydration.

You’d wake someone who fell asleep with their lenses in, surely, knowing how uncomfortable it is to peel them out after an unplanned nap?

You’re being incredibly dramatic and precious about this. You fell asleep and he didn’t want to disturb you, and you’re using words like ‘cruel’? Jesus.

You fell asleep, you clearly needed it and that's probably as far as he thought.

The next person would've complained if their DH had woken them up.

Can you use this experience to talk with him about what you're feeling and going through right now, and how he can best do his part of the childcare and support you if you're still in the phase where you need to do most of it? I would not start from the standpoint of calling him uncaring or saying that you hate what he did, but just - ask him to tell you what he was thinking and feeling, and tell him how you felt, and work from there. I don't know your circumstances, but the sooner you can get him routinely doing his half of the childcare, the better for all of you, and most especially for the baby.

If he had been the one to fall asleep would you have woken or covered him? If he had fallen asleep would he want/expect you to wake or cover him?