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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an act of kindness?

93 replies

Merrygoround8 · 23/02/2025 00:30

Background.

We have a 6 month baby, but she is sleeping pretty well. She is exclusively breastfed overnight (but does take a bottle) and wakes 1-2 times. I say this because it is relevant but I am not particularly exhausted beyond the normal realms of parenting etc (nor have I said I am exhausted). She is in a cot next to our bed and I have occasionally remarked that “I don’t want to be away from her” - again relevant in that I have never expressed desire for a night off or help with night feeds. We could make her night feed a bottle if we wished, and I haven’t ever suggested this is what I want yet.

I accidentally fell asleep on spare bed earlier where I had a quick lie down following a hot bath. Husband aware of this and was in room at the time working.

I was not “ready” for bed in my usual sense which is very distinctly some skincare, contact lenses out, pyjamas etc, and usually flogging some water / having it laid out next to me.

At midnight I wake and find myself in exact same situation, except now in the dark, naked and under the now damp and cold towel (not blanket), bewildered, eyes glued together from lenses.

I am really pissed off!!! Presumably husband thinks this is doing me a favour/giving me an uninterrupted stretch of sleep, but am I wrong to find this totally unhelpful and actually feel that it’s thoughtless at best and quite cruel at worst!?

He has gone to sleep in our bed. He doesn’t seem to have made provision for a night feed so I guess the plan would have been to come and get me at some point. How was that going to go 😂🫠 cold, eyes glued, dehydrated, naked, and staggering back to immediately feed a crying baby.

He literally didn’t chuck a blanket over me. That’s what’s stunned me, I think, but am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
Therehastobemoretolife · 23/02/2025 08:00

You seem hard work ffs

BlondiePortz · 23/02/2025 08:01

Do you have a history of finding fault in what people do or don't do for you this all sounds very hard work and draining on the other person

IamnotSethRogan · 23/02/2025 08:05

I duno i just think he thought he'd let you sleep. I'm similar to you in that i have some specific things i do before bed i.e. water, skin care etc but DH just falls into bed and I don't think is aware how annoyed I get if I don't follow my routine.

Similarly, DH and I leave each other on the sofa if we fall asleep....possibly because we can both be a bit vile if woken unexpectedly 😅

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/02/2025 08:10

I think you're being a bit precious here and making a mountain out of a molehill

TeaRoseTallulah · 23/02/2025 08:11

ItGhoul · 23/02/2025 01:20

You’re being incredibly dramatic and precious about this. You fell asleep and he didn’t want to disturb you, and you’re using words like ‘cruel’? Jesus.

This,it's like I'm reading about a different universe here!

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/02/2025 08:59

I bet if he'd either woken you up or put a blanket on you you'd be on here moaning about that! He's thoughtless at best but with a 6mo he's probably tired and not thinking straight either. Let it go OP.

Original poster
Merrygoround8 · 23/02/2025 09:02

To clarify a couple of points.

I very much “accidentally” fell asleep in that I laid down after a hot bath and must have nodded off. I did not intend to go to sleep; and he was aware of this.

I have previously always requested to be woken - we are both like that. I consistently wake him if he nods off putting the toddler down (per request) and we are not grumpy about this.

But fine. There are a large cohort of people that think that leaving someone to sleep in their (known) unpreferred state, and not so much as putting a blanket over them, and having an unclear plan as to how this affects the 6mo still counts as a nice thing to do so there we have it. I’m dramatic and over precious!

OP posts:
SBHon · 23/02/2025 09:05

Did the bed not have a duvet on?

He probably thought you’d semi wake up and snuggle under the duvet.

SBHon · 23/02/2025 09:08

and having an unclear plan as to how this affects the 6mo
It doesn’t affect the 6mo. They sleep, you sleep, they wake needing feeding and you wake. It’s ok if they cry for a minute while you get pjs on and get ready to feed them.

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 09:09

It never ceases to amaze me how worked up people will get over nothing.

You're an adult who chose to lay down in bed after your bath - that's on you. It's not his responsibility to make sure you have PJ's, a blanket and water Confused

Just see it as a lesson learned not to lie on your bed in your contacts and a towel after your bath if it bothered you so much.

AgnesX · 23/02/2025 09:11

Damned if he did, damned if he didn't. That said, a blanket would have been good.

Ellie1015 · 23/02/2025 09:20

For all he knew you might have taken your lenses out already, decided to skip the skincare and as you were on a bed you surely had a cover if you wanted it? Maybe you were too hot.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 23/02/2025 09:22

Surely lying down on a bed after a hot bath and being tired could only have one possible outcome...odd that you didn't consider this when you made the choice to lie on the bed

SleepyLlamaFace · 23/02/2025 09:24

I think you're winding yourself up and telling yourself stories here regarding his motivations, he's probably been a bit thoughtless in not chucking a blanket over you, but to attribute deliberate malice and intentional lack of thought to your 6 month old to the absence of a blanket or wake-up call is a bit unreasonable.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/02/2025 09:26

I very much “accidentally” fell asleep in that I laid down after a hot bath and must have nodded off. I did not intend to go to sleep; and he was aware of this.

This is laughable.
You are an adult. YOU fell asleep. Take responsibility for YOUR actions. You are incredibly childish.

Ddakji · 23/02/2025 09:26

Not sure why you started this thread as you seem to already know the only answer acceptable to you.

It’s one night. If you’re going to get so annoyed about this you’re going to find the next 18 years of parenting hell.

gettingthehangofsewing · 23/02/2025 09:28

He left you to sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you prefer ask him (nicely) if you fail asleep in the future could he wake you so you can remove your contacts.

Sparkletastic · 23/02/2025 09:28

Very thoughtless of him. I'd be pissed off too.

Farellyo · 23/02/2025 09:28

He probably thought wow you must be exhausted to fall asleep before you normally would, my instinct wouldn't be to wake someone to be honest, he must have checked in on you to turn the light off.

CurlewKate · 23/02/2025 09:28

It could have been a kindness. But presumably he knows you wear co tact lenses? And knows the difference between a damp towel and a blanket?

I haven't read the thread yet-but I am predicting lots of "oh, bless him, he did his best!" posts......

Penwell · 23/02/2025 09:34

I think you have to ask yourself why is this bothering you so much, you are seeking an outside perspective on it. Are you looking for confirmation that this is not a reasonable way to behave towards a partner, or objectivity?

I think stand back and look at the bigger picture here and look at what is really the issue.

If this is a singular event and it bothers you this much, then I think YABU. It's not a big deal. If it is part of something much bigger and this is the straw that broke the camels back, then that it different, but you need to articulate that.

Createausername1970 · 23/02/2025 09:34

When you talk to him about this, please ascertain whether he tried to wake you.

It was unfair for him to leave you, knowing that you needed to take your contacts out and, yes, something warmer than a towel would have been nice, but also leaving you to sleep was also nice. And maybe he did try to gently wake you, but realised you were sound asleep so didn't want to disturb you.

Ask him to wake you up next time, if it happens again. If he is otherwise a good bloke, don't blow it out of proportion.

Bigfellabamboo · 23/02/2025 09:34

But fine. There are a large cohort of people that think that leaving someone to sleep in their (known) unpreferred state, and not so much as putting a blanket over them, and having an unclear plan as to how this affects the 6mo still counts as a nice thing to do so there we have it. I’m dramatic and over precious!

Yes, you are dramatic and precious. Honestly 🙄

BeaAndBen · 23/02/2025 09:38

You were sufficiently knackered to fall asleep after your bath. You lay down on a bed and covered yourself with a towel. He figured you needed the sleep so left you to it.

He shouldn’t be fetching water and laying out nightclothes, for heaven’s sake. You aren’t a toddler.

If you’re annoyed with yourself for falling asleep with your contacts in, fair enough. Don’t take it out on him.

KilkennyCats · 23/02/2025 09:39

Merrygoround8 · 23/02/2025 09:02

To clarify a couple of points.

I very much “accidentally” fell asleep in that I laid down after a hot bath and must have nodded off. I did not intend to go to sleep; and he was aware of this.

I have previously always requested to be woken - we are both like that. I consistently wake him if he nods off putting the toddler down (per request) and we are not grumpy about this.

But fine. There are a large cohort of people that think that leaving someone to sleep in their (known) unpreferred state, and not so much as putting a blanket over them, and having an unclear plan as to how this affects the 6mo still counts as a nice thing to do so there we have it. I’m dramatic and over precious!

I’m dramatic and over precious!
You said it…
Grow up.