Is this an act of kindness?

[Merrygoround8]

Background.

We have a 6 month baby, but she is sleeping pretty well. She is exclusively breastfed overnight (but does take a bottle) and wakes 1-2 times. I say this because it is relevant but I am not particularly exhausted beyond the normal realms of parenting etc (nor have I said I am exhausted). She is in a cot next to our bed and I have occasionally remarked that “I don’t want to be away from her” - again relevant in that I have never expressed desire for a night off or help with night feeds. We could make her night feed a bottle if we wished, and I haven’t ever suggested this is what I want yet.

I accidentally fell asleep on spare bed earlier where I had a quick lie down following a hot bath. Husband aware of this and was in room at the time working.

I was not “ready” for bed in my usual sense which is very distinctly some skincare, contact lenses out, pyjamas etc, and usually flogging some water / having it laid out next to me.

At midnight I wake and find myself in exact same situation, except now in the dark, naked and under the now damp and cold towel (not blanket), bewildered, eyes glued together from lenses.

I am really pissed off!!! Presumably husband thinks this is doing me a favour/giving me an uninterrupted stretch of sleep, but am I wrong to find this totally unhelpful and actually feel that it’s thoughtless at best and quite cruel at worst!?

He has gone to sleep in our bed. He doesn’t seem to have made provision for a night feed so I guess the plan would have been to come and get me at some point. How was that going to go 😂🫠 cold, eyes glued, dehydrated, naked, and staggering back to immediately feed a crying baby.

He literally didn’t chuck a blanket over me. That’s what’s stunned me, I think, but am I being sensitive?

Yeah, I would have gently tried to wake him and failing that I would have covered him up and set out a glass of water. I probably would have laid him out some PJs too in all honesty. Maybe that’s coddling!

I would have felt much better if he had put a blanket on me tbh.

Oh wow, can't please anybody these days

I will talk to him about our clearly different expectations about what would be helpful in this circumstance should it happen but it’s really not about him doing more childcare.

I do more for the baby and he does more for the toddler currently. And when I am back at work we are very evenly split tbh, that isn’t an issue we have. No complaints there.

There’s a good number of people that this IABU so maybe a few hours under a cold towel is my just desserts 😂

If you were that cold and uncomfortable, surely you'd have woken up?? He just let you sleep. I really think calling it cruel is a massive overreaction.

I might have preferred to be left to sleep in this situation. A blanket might have woken me. Difficult to know what the right thing to do is unless this is something you’ve talked about before.

He could not have been expected to know or even consider whether you still had your lenses in.

He probably just fell asleep himself, expecting you to be in at any minute. You are incredibly fortunate if you think any of this is cruel.

If it is really bothering you maybe just say, I woke up freezing, couldn't you have chucked a blanket over me? See what he says.

I would have let you sleep (and I would have considered that a nice thing to do).

I would have preferred to be left to sleep.

It's not reasonable to expect him to do what you want unless you tell him.

Even then I'd be wary waking up another adult - my ExH had a habit of jumping awake suddenly.

This

I'd have nudged and if that failed, blanketed.

DP often falls asleep without his CPAP on, I will make several attempts to wake him to put it on as he will otherwise a/ snore like the loudest pig on earth and wake me/stop me falling asleep and b/wake up feeling bloody awful having deprived himself of oxygen all night (and c/ possibly kark it in the night).

If I am really struggling to stay awake and he keeps waking up and denying he's even asleep I might tell him to fuck off after attempt three or four though!

I think leaving you in the dark to freeze and wake up feeling awful is pretty shitty, in no way an 'act of kindness', feels more like a 'well fuck you' really!

Exactly - we could just as easily be reading a thread saying - I have a small baby, I can’t believe my ARSEHOLE husband decided to WAKE me on the rare occasion I got to close my eyes etc. I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep now! RANT

He probably didn’t give the contact lenses a second thought. He should have tried to wake you, and if you didn’t stir, put a blanket over you. Does feel a bit uncaring for him to just go to bed and leave you there with a damp towel over you.

Having a 'quick lie down' with your contact lenses in is never a good idea.

Why would you lie on a bed if you didn’t want to sleep there, especially if you’re a contact lens wearer? You’re being a bit unfair. You chose to go to sleep under the towel!

I would’ve killed him if he’d woken me up. You needed the sleep.
For all he knew your lenses were already out, I’ve gone to bed and slept with mine in a few times, so has DH. I probably wouldn’t have thought to cover you either.
It’s not cruel it’s just not putting that level of thought in to things.
Tell him to wake you up next time you nod off, or set your own alarm.
Edit to say I wouldn’t go to bed/lie down in a wet towel either.

Gosh men are always in the wrong aren't they?!

I think the fact that you chose to lie down on the bed like that would mean that I would have left you.
If my DH falls asleep on the sofa, I try and wake him or cover him up as he obviously didn't mean to sleep there for hours. If he took himself off to a bed (in whatever room) then I would assume he had deliberately chosen to sleep like that and would leave him to it. I would also assume that he had already completed his nighttime routine and wouldn't feel the need to check.
I also wouldn't think he would put a damp towel on the bed.

I would not get worked up about this. I can see how he thought he was doing you a favour

I think he was trying to be kind letting you sleep. If he had woken you, you probably would have moaned about that.

He might have assumed the towel wasn't that wet as you were lying with it on the bed wrapped around you. Surely you must have given that a thought and didn't just go from standing and drying yourself to being flat asleep on the bed without choosing to lie down, in which case you should have got a blanket or realised at this point you were exhausted so told him you were going to head off to bed (following your nightly routine).

Your comments about if it had been the other way round you would have laid out pyjamas for him is a bit silly and infantising. You are both adults.

Maybe tell him next time you fall asleep to wake you if that's what you really want.

Are you always this dramatic? You fell asleep, your husband left you to sleep.

If you're that upset about it take some personal responsibility and think about the fact you laid yourself down comfy on the bed when you obviously felt tired.

Have you spoken to him yet for his side?
He may have tried to wake you up I know when I've fallen asleep on the sofa i have had full conversations with my husband and said to leave me, but I'm still asleep and can't remember any of it.
Not saying this is the case but playing devils advocate

Omg what a load of overdramatic nonsense!!
You sound hypercritical Op

Not a great personality trait

Maybe he was treating you like an independent adult who can look out for herself? Letting you sleep, as you seemed to need it. A blanket would have been thoughtful but maybe he assumed a towel was fine since you were actually asleep with it over you. If it happened to me, I wouldn't think my DH had anything to do with it. I would appreciate he hadn't woken me and got into pyjamas / bed when I woke up cold.

I’m so confused- why were you naked and under a towel and asleep? (Sorry I’ve really no idea!) I’ve never put a blanket over someone just nudged them to go to bed but you sound like you need sleep so I’d probably have left you but not naked?! The dehydration thing or contacts I’d never have thought about just because that’s something you do yourself, nobody else is involved.

"As any of us would do"

What suits you is not a universal measure of kindness

I hate being woken up. My husband and I have always left the other to wake naturally. No blankets etc. If i wake up when sleep lightens naturally it's much easier to go back to sleep in bed.

Indeed.
Also, the contacts / water / PJs is just being precious. I fell asleep with my contacts on a few times, you just take them out when you wake up, 30sec job. Same with the water, just drink some when you wake up.