To think that dd should take some things less seriously

[CosyRubyDreamer]

dd (16) has a tendency to take things literally (I have always suspected her to be neurodivergent and have been open to her about it, but there is just no need for a diagnosis). But this is besides the point.

She is a very fair person and really emphasizes on being kind with words and I'm proud of her. However, she struggles to fit in with most of the teenagers at her school and wider circle because of that.

For example, she ghosted a guy she was gonna date and a friend because they jokingly told someone to kill themselves as part of banter. dd privately texted them separately telling them why they shouldn't say that and tried to make them promise not to say anything like that before. They both said something along the lines of " are you the type to cry at the movies". She ended up losing a friendship and potential relationship. They are both nice to her normally and good friends.

While I wholeheartedly agree with dd and am proud of her for calling them out, I have told her that maybe she should let things slide next time. I don't want her to get left out.

I don't think it's what she objects to or what she's doing but the way she's doing it that rubs people up the wrong way.

It would be 100x better to say something at the time, just a "oh god don't say that, that's horrible," than smile along at the time, go home clearly thinking about it and craft what is probably quite a preachy message. She only gets the moral high ground if she has the moral courage at the time.

I would reassure her that her instincts are right, morally, but her execution is disproportionate and borne from the feeling she should have said something. The way to handle this is to think what to say next time and say it, not to fire off messages about something other people have forgotten.

dd did say something along those lines, but it was brushed off and ignored, hence the message later

A bit torn on this. I have two teenagers who are basically good people but fuck me, secondary school is a jungle and I don't envy them having to navigate it. Horrible things are said and done, there is an element of join on, or at least say nothing or you'll be next, and the overall atmosphere sounds quite dog eat dog. Context is also everything and like every group, words mean diffeent things in different settings and with different people. And this seems to be endemic as I have friends with children in other schools. I hope I have installed good values in them but I also know that they, like the majority, have in fact on occasion been unkind or joined in shit talking about someone. The approach of the OP's daughter in how she called things out definitely wouldn't go down well, whereas my son's 'for fucks sake man, don't be such a bollocks' might get the point across while maintaining the friendship.

OP, to be frank, you sound like my least favourite kind of person. The kind who was in the orbit of the school bully, and just giggled behind their hands in fear that the bully would turn on them. Grow up. You have a lot to learn from your daughter.

You could learn a lot from your daughter OP. Maybe she might help you become a kind, caring, compassionate adult - you’re certainly not that right now.